In a good-enough divorce, exes work through feelings of anger, betrayal and loss and arrive at a place of acceptance. Frustrations over the other parent's values and choices are contained and pushed aside, making space for the Holy Grail of post-divorce life: effective co-parenting.
Co-parenting is possible only when both exes support their children's need to have a relationship with the other parent and respect that parent's right to have a healthy relationship with the children.
But some people never get to acceptance. They become, essentially, addicted to anger. They convince themselves that the other parent is incompetent, mentally ill, or dangerous. They transmit this conviction directly or indirectly not only to the children, but also to school staff, mental health professionals and anyone who will listen.
High-conflict exes are on a mission to invalidate the other parent. No therapist, mediator, parenting class, or Gandhi-esque channeling will make an anger-addicted ex take off the gloves and agree to co-parent.
If this scenario feels familiar, and you are wondering how you're going to survive raising kids with your high-conflict ex without losing every last one of your marbles, I offer you this counterintuitive suggestion: Stop trying to co-parent!
Try Parallel Parenting instead.
What is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel Parenting is radical acceptance. It means letting go of fighting reality. Divorce is terrible enough, but to have a divorce that is so hellish as to make co-parenting impossible is another kind of terrible altogether.
It's helpful to conceptualize Parallel Parenting as an approach many Alcoholics Anonymous folks use when dealing with the addict in their lives: they stop going to the hardware store looking for milk. Why are you trying to have a reasonable conversation with someone who isn't reasonable, at least with you? Stop expecting reciprocity or enlightenment. Stop needing the other person to see you as right. You are not ever going to get these things from your anger-addicted ex, and you can make yourself sick trying.
How to Practice Parallel Parenting
You tried to co-parent so your kids would see their parents get along, and to make them feel safe. That didn't work. Now you need to limit contact with your ex to reduce the conflict in order to make your kids feel safe -- and to keep yourself from going nuts. So how do you do this?
1. Communicate as little as possible
Stop talking on the phone. When speaking with a hostile ex, you will likely be drawn into an argument and nothing will get resolved. Limit communication to texting and e-mail. This way you can choose what to respond to and you will be able to delete knee-jerk retorts that you would make if you were on the phone.
2. Make Rules for Communication
Hostile exes tend to ignore boundaries. So you will have to be very clear about the terms for communication. E-mail or texting should be used only for logistics: travel plans, a proposed weekend swap, doctor appointments. If your ex tends uses e-mails to harass you, tell him you will not respond, and if the abuse continues, you will stop e-mailing altogether.
3. Do Not Respond to Threats of Lawsuits
Hostile exes frequently threaten to modify child support or custody arrangements. Do not respond! Tell your ex that any discussion of litigation must go through your attorney. This will require money on your ex's part: phone calls between attorneys, disclosing financial statements, etc. It is quite possible that your ex does not really intend to put her money where her mouth is, so don't take the bait.
4. Avoid being together at child-related functions
It's great for your kids to see the two of you together -- but only if they see you getting along. So attend events separately as much as possible. Schedule separate parent-teacher conferences. Trade off hosting birthday parties. Do curbside drop-offs so your child doesn't have to feel the tension between you and your ex.
5. Be proactive with school staff and mental health professionals
School staff and therapists may have heard things about you that aren't true -- for instance, that you are out of the picture or mentally ill. So be proactive. Fax your custody order to these individuals so they understand the custody arrangement. Even if you are a non-custodial parent, you are still entitled to information regarding your child's academic performance or mental health treatment and the school and therapists want you to be involved. Talk to school staff and therapists as soon as possible. Do not be defensive, but explain the situation. When they see you, they will realize that you are a reasonable person who is trying to do the right thing for your child.
6. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
Parallel Parenting requires letting go of what happens in the other parent's home. Although it may drive you crazy that your ex lets 6-year-old Lucy stay up until midnight, there is really not much you can do about it. Nor can you control your ex's selection of babysitters, children's clothing or how much TV time is allowed.
Your child will learn to adapt to different rules and expectations at each house. If Sienna complains about something that goes on at Dad's, instruct her to speak to him directly. Trying to solve a problem between your ex and your child will only inflame the conflict and teach her to pit the two of you against each other. You want to empower your child, not teach her that she needs to be rescued.
Parallel Parenting is a last resort, to be implemented when attempts at co-parenting have failed. But that doesn't mean you have failed as a divorced parent. In fact, the opposite is true. By reducing conflict, Parallel Parenting will enhance the quality of your life and most importantly, take your child out of the middle.
And isn't that what a good-enough divorce is all about?
Follow Virginia Gilbert, MFT on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@VGilbertMFT
CPS have stated that despite the history of child abuse from the mother there is no law she has broken, and ultimately in the CPS, therapist and polices own words. 'It is an unfortunate case of parental alienation, where the father will be estranged from the children.' That's it. Your done and the American divorce model is sanctified.
Wow. So damned true.
While my kids still have to cope with being in a situation where there is a lot of tension between their parents, I think they are spared a lot of what could be worse. I love the kids and they come first; I have learned to set aside my anger and ego. It's so much more important that the kids have a chance at a calmer, simpler childhood.
I would add: focus on making the time you have with your kids as pleasant and productive as possible. There's no way to control what your ex does with them, but we have control over what we do in our own home. My spouse and I spend a lot of time and effort on making our life with the kids the best we can for everyone in our home. There is always more than enough love to go around. We're consistent. We stick to our rules.
There is not always an immediate payoff. I hope, as the kids get older, they'll see we have done everything we can.
This post is timely to say the least, and I know from experience that the tips you have provided are very helpful AND it is still difficult and stressful when dealing with an angry ex who does all of the things you mention. Parental Alienation comes to mind.
My now ex-wife was an at-home mother (no job even post-divorce).
She was controlling/gate-keeping. But her lackadaisical approach allowed me to parallel parent.
The children were her means of socializing or dragged along in her own social calendar.
I worked full time, long hours but made time for my children.
I did the parenting that she didn't do.
I fed the children breakfast and got them ready for and to school while she slept in.
I put the children to bed and read them bedtime stories while she watched television, talked/complained on the phone, played on the computer.
If I worked late, I shared dinner alone with the children. They loved it.
On weekends, she would go out and shop. The children and I did (and still do) lots of fun/educational things together.
Most parenting disagreements involved activities for the children (which she would base on what her friends wanted and not what the children wanted/needed). I didn't engage unless necessary.
It was a nice run before the divorce filing.
In the divorce she made false claims, that she did all the parenting, that the children didn't like me, etc., to make a grab for custody. But the facts were otherwise.
She was successful only in multiplying the legal fees.
The recommendation/ruling in the divorce was shared equal parenting time.
If you are in a marriage headed for divorce, start parallel parenting now.
Meaning...we 'allow' too many incompatible people to Marry. I know, I know...we're not China, "it's a free country", yada, yada...but obviously, what we are doing now? It ain't workin'.
If we Truly cared about our children ("Would someone Please Think of the Children?" Maude Flanders, haha)...then we would do Something to change the current Destructive force of Divorce or being brought up in High Conflict households.
For example - Mandatory Pre-Marriage counselling which includes a 'mock' Divorce proceeding (which will likely scare any man away from marriage).
Any other ideas?
Sounds like an autopsy.
The question then becomes...what if you fail the test, but go ahead and pro-create anyway...? awkward. There would have to be some kind of punishment for two "incompatibles" bringing a kid into a messed up relationship.
Impratical? Maybe...but look at our current system...impratical on steriods.
Would you suggest to whites during the segregated 60's the best way to avoid angry discriminated minorities is to;
1. Avoid communication
2. Control the communication.
3. Avoid being together, SEGREGATE yourself from them.
When you make parenting decisions, be aware that he is likely to try to undermine them or sabotage them or whatever, and minimize the fallout. Don't convey to the children that you blame him, but help them recognize that he (like you) has both limitations and strengths. As much as appropriate focus on his positive qualities (even when the other stuff drives you crazy or hurts your kids). The more you help them be aware of what he DOES offer them, the more likely it will be that you can shift your own perspective. Remember the good times. And that without him you wouldn't have the children.
At some point it may then be possible to get along with him well enough in front of the kids to help minimize the divisions in their family so that they don't have to choose one parent over the other.
That's about all I need to see. NEXT.