"Stephanie" came to see me after discovering that her attorney husband "Sam" had been visiting prostitutes during his lunch hour. She learned this one night while up late with their sick toddler. Sam had forgotten to log out of his secret e-mail account, the one he used to schedule hook-ups with escorts, exotic masseuses, and women he met in online chat rooms. Stephanie found the password to Sam's account and was soon checking it several times a day.
"My friends hate him," she told me. "Everyone says I should leave."
Stephanie had good reasons for wanting to end her marriage. When she confronted Sam about her discovery, he showed no remorse, and in fact blamed his sexploits on her, stating that her lack of sexual experimentation drove him to have sex with strangers. Besides rejecting her sexually, Sam showed little interest in their daughter. He was rarely home; when he wasn't spending time with other women, he was clocking long hours at the law firm, hoping to make partner.
Stephanie had consulted with a divorce attorney and was told that she was entitled to a generous settlement package and monthly support. Unlike many young mothers, Stephanie was in the position to leave an unhappy marriage and be able to provide a good standard of living for herself and her child.
"Do you think I should leave?" she asked.
"I don't know," I said. "But I think you should take a year to figure it out."
Why Partners of Sex Addicts Benefit from the One-Year Rule
The discovery of a partner's sexual compulsivity is a wake-up call. If both partners are committed to recovery, the marriage could actually be transformed into a real union marked by genuine intimacy and integrity. But finding out if this is possible takes time. Unless physical abuse is present, or children's safety is threatened, sex addiction therapists recommend that partners spend a year in treatment before deciding whether to stay or go. The following is a suggested treatment plan for couples dealing with sexual acting-out within a marriage. For the sake of clarity, I refer to addicts as "he" and co-addicts as "she," although the reverse can be true.
What the Addict Needs to Do
1. Commit to treatment. This usually involves individual therapy, 12-step programs such as SAA, and, depending on the severity of the acting-out behaviors, an inpatient or intensive outpatient treatment program.
2. Take accountability. Addicts choose to cheat; they are not driven to cheat by their partners. The first step in an addict's recovery is to take responsibility for hurting his partner and threatening his family's stability. If an addict doesn't genuinely take ownership of his behaviors, recovery is not possible.
3. Identify and abstain from bottom-line behaviors. These may include affairs, prostitutes, massage parlors, chat rooms, masturbating to porn. Therapy and 12-step groups can also help the addict identify slippery-slope behaviors such as flirting, cruising, and using the computer without net nannies (that prevent the addict from clicking on porn sites).
4. Disclosure. Disclosures are facilitated by therapists in couples sessions. Typically, the addict reads aloud his sexual history, including behaviors that occurred within the marriage. The therapist will assist the couple in processing this information and setting boundaries for acceptable behavior. The disclosure is crucial: the co-addict needs to know the extent of her partner's addiction in order to decide whether she can stay in the marriage.
What the Co-Addict Needs to Do
1. Commit to her own recovery. Partners tend to be caretakers who structure their lives around the addict. Their own needs, wants, and values are often obscured by years of self-neglect due to "other focus." Further, it is draining living with someone whose attention is always elsewhere. The partner must shift her focus from the addict to her own mental, emotional, and physical health.
2. Get appropriate treatment. This means individual therapy with a sex addiction specialist, 12-step groups geared for partners such as COSA, therapist-facilitated partner support groups, and psychoeducation about co-addiction. Although co-addicts are never responsible for the addict's actions, they need to learn why they chose the addict and how they might have used their obsession with the addict to keep themselves from focusing on their own lives.
3. Manage her own treatment, not the addict's.The discovery of the addict's behavior is intensely traumatic. Co-addicts often become hypervigilant, trying to control the addict to prevent further trauma. Snooping through the addict's belongings, calling multiple times a day to check the addict's whereabouts, telling the addict's therapist how to treat the addict, are all understandable responses to trauma, but can actually be re-traumatizing, in addition to shifting the focus from where it needs to be: on the co-addict. The co-addict must learn the only person she can control is herself.
4. Rebuild her life.Even if she decides to stay, she needs to set personal goals that will enhance her life. This may mean taking charge of finances, seeking paid work, developing a self-care program, nurturing relationships with friends and family.
When It's Time to Leave
After one year in her own treatment, Stephanie had enough information to make her decision. Sam had never truly committed to recovery; he went to therapy erratically and refused to attend 12-step groups. He never gave her a formal disclosure of his sexual history and continued to act out sexually.
Stephanie, on the other hand, diligently attended individual therapy, 12-step meetings and a partner's support group. She reconnected with family and friends. She harnessed her self-proclaimed "obsessive tendencies" into a part-time business as a personal organizer and set up a separate bank account with funds from her organizing work. When it was clear that Sam was not invested in saving the marriage, she was emotionally and logistically ready to leave.
Even when a situation as destructive as sex addiction is present, a partner should not leave a marriage in haste, despite what friends or family may urge. Taking a year to focus on personal growth -- whether or not the addict chooses to do the same -- will give partners clarity and empower them to make the decision that is right for them.
Follow Virginia Gilbert, MFT on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@VGilbertMFT
consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement
of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look
what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of
soil and instantly grass started to grow.
Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked
his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.
His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then
dad would have to buy him a convertable.
Dad agreed.
The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his
dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told
him that he had something to show him. They went to the front
yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.
The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."
The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is
from your mother."
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
the T-shirt she can go #### herself!"
scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom
standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and
groaning, "I want a man, I want a man." Shaking his head in bewilderment,
Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third
night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there
is a man in bed with his mom.
Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest
and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike."
always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up
after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good
cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever
smoked, and he replied that he had never.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's
your excuse then?"
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."
the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.
When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and
coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing
of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed
'bored'."
Though they had been married only a few years, he relflectly
unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then
quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you ?"
"Why no, not at all," said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask
that ?"
"Well, no reason actually," the bored husband replied with a sigh,
"It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actully moved."
her closest friend.
"Well," Pam confirmed, "although his diamond was of pretty good
quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."
Ingredients:
2 Laughing Eyes
2 Loving Arms
2 Well Shaped Legs
2 Firm Milk Containers
1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
2 Large Nuts
1 Large Banana
Method:
1. Look into Loving Eyes.
2. Fold in Loving Arms.
3. Spread Well Shaped Legs.
4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing
Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.
Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils
and don't lick the bowl.
N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.
She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says "But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore.
Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?'
and tell the wife to stop watching the bachelor/bachelorette and Housewives of 'whatever'
Booooo!! You're a sex addict!! Shame on you!!
Since there's no objective norm as to how much sex is "normal" the issue of sex addiction is more about the battle of the sexes than anything else. To understand why this issue keeps rearing it's stupid head reading about Power, PowerPlay and Power Games in "Scripts People Live" will prove a great help. Naturally so called "therapists" would not offer that help.
In each society women react differently to men's PowerPlay. Many American women from European descent (and English women by the way) respond by eventually withholding sex. Some men will subsequently divert their energies. Others insist they will have their sex and get it elsewhere. Which easily gets them branded as sex addicts.
This is a typical phenomenon for women from a puritan heritage or others infected by is since it is still a force to be reckoned with in 21st century America. These women are being supported by the general lack of sex and intimacy which has reached stupefying proportions. Hufpost recently reported about the sexual activities of our countrymen and -women and it blew my mind. Most Americans have sex once or less on a weekly basis. Well, that will get any healthy man brandished a sex addict then. And any healthy woman as well! I'm really glad I married out of my race and out of my continent.