I recently wrote a post here about the negative impact that "extreme makeover" shows have on the culture of beauty. I used as an example the new series called "Bridalplasty," that recently premiered on the E! channel. It's the one being promoted as "the only show where the winner gets cut!" Brides-to-be compete for a plastic surgery procedure, and the results will be displayed on the last episode. The article I wrote stimulated a vigorous conversation. Both men and women shared their thoughts about the challenges inherent in defining beauty in our current culture.
I decided to write this piece to begin another conversation about how to take beauty into our own hands -- this time by looking at alternative solutions to those implied by "extreme makeover" shows. Below are solutions based on what real women tell me really makes them feel and look attractive from the inside out. They were collected from hundreds of interviews I held with women from all walks of life, from women whose beauty was clearly a large part of their identity (models, actors and public figures) to everyday women for whom beauty didn't play a particularly large role in their lives. I asked them all the same question: "What is the one piece of advice you would give about what makes you look and feel your best?" Here are the tips that came up most often.
1) Confidence: The most frequent comment I heard from the women I interviewed was that beauty was about confidence. This was true across all ages and continents. Women whose looks played a large role in their lives (e.g., models, actresses and women in media) associated feeling attractive with times when they felt most self-assured. Actresses told me that they increased their chances of booking work when they could carry off an air of confidence no matter what they looked like. Models said that their success wasn't about being the prettiest, since every model is, but about how poised they appeared. So it seems for most women at any age. Holding your head up high with self-confidence is probably the number-one quality that women say leads to feeling and looking beautiful at any age.
2) Flexibility: Women who can reinvent their "look" and let go of rigid images of beauty more easily feel attractive as they age. Tension is not an attractive feature, and holding on (or holding back) makes you appear tight. Sensuality is all about flexibility, openness and letting go. Letting go of a former self-image doesn't mean neglecting yourself. It's like learning to enjoy walking when you may have jogged in the past, or taking yoga in place of spin class. A flexible attitude toward beauty leads to the ability to adjust your fashion sense and is key to enjoying your looks at any age
3) A Radiant Smile: A woman's smile is reported as the single most important physical feature that leads to being viewed as attractive. Women say it conveys their inner beauty. It lets others see what they feel. And when they don't feel great, putting on a smile more often leads to feeling better. We all know women who draw positive attention toward themselves because of their great smiles. Think of a baby's smile. Does anything bring more pleasure to the eyes of others than that spontaneous, toothless grin? Women talk about using their smiles to bring what they feel inside to their exterior, regardless of their age. A generous smile is the best facelift you can have. Even better, it's free and natural.
4) Focusing on What You Have, Not on What You Don't: The sum is not always greater than its parts. This sounds counterintuitive, but when it comes to feeling beautiful, it is important to keep this in mind. Women who focus on features they like (rather than criticizing what they lack) and use them to serve their self-image are more likely to feel attractive. It is well known in the fashion industry that some models are branded for their great legs or long necks. Sometimes only their hands or feet are considered marketable material. They use these assets to feel beautiful. Take a look at yourself and choose one feature that you like and embellish it. Delicate wrists? Wear an eye-catching watch. Thick hair? An elegant headband or jeweled clip can draw attention where you want it. Good posture? Stand tall and make everything else about you appear more attractive.
For brides seeking to be beautiful on their wedding day, and for women who want to look great every day, these tips may be worth considering before undergoing a cosmetic intervention or an extreme makeover. These are real, tangible ways to take beauty out of the hands of others and back into our own. Let me know if these tips (or others) work for you. Let's continue the conversation about how to define beauty on our terms.
Follow Vivian Diller, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrVDiller
Vivian Diller, Ph.D.: 3 Ways to Boost Your Beauty Self-Esteem
Morty Lefkoe: How You Can Build Your Confidence
Vivian Diller, Ph.D.: Is Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder or the Beholdee?
If we want to live a long and happy live, we should stop filling it with self-absorption, body maintenance obsession, and image repair? When we die, do we want people to exclaim, "She looked ten years younger and was sooo beautiful", or do we want them to say, "She lived a great and fulfilled life"?
As the saying goes, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
I happen to agree with Dr. Diller, but what do we females know about feeling beautiful? By the way, the list compiled by this author was about what makes women "feel" beautiful, so how can you argue with what women say about that!
You are beautiful. Your beauty, just like your capacity for life, happiness, and success, is immeasurable. Day after day, countless people across the globe get on a scale in search of validation of beauty and social acceptance.
Get off the scale! I have yet to see a scale that can tell you how enchanting your eyes are. I have yet to see a scale that can show you how wonderful your hair looks when the sun shines its glorious rays on it. I have yet to see a scale that can thank you for your compassion, sense of humor, and contagious smile. Get off the scale because I have yet to see one that can admire you for your perseverance when challenged in life.
It’s true, the scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That’s it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Don’t give the scale more power than it has earned. Take note of the number, then get off the scale and live your life. You are beautiful!
© Steve Maraboli
Inside matters--Mother Teresa was a Beautiful person--but probably not the kind you would whistle at.
Too mnay variables it is each persons mind
bwahahahaha! try to deny it!
if we spent more time finding people a compatible mate, we'd spend far less time with everything else.
and of course, i don't mean spending more time searching for mates, i mean actually seeking compatibility.
unfortunately, relationship harmony, like good health, IS NOT AS PROFITABLE AS CONFLICT AND BAD HEALTH.
SURE, curing is profitable, but not as profitable as ongoing TREATMENT. it's far more profitable to keep people as self conscious and troubled as possible.
Beauty as one sees oneself? As members of your own gender see you? Members of the opposite gender? A particular person?
Appreciation from one of the broader categories is surely gratifying. Appreciation from one special individual can be the most satisfying of all. Appreciation for oneself is the loneliest and perhaps the most difficult to come by, but no one can take it from you.
These are all different things.
I have learned that the word "beauty" is too often reduced to a simplified definition that is assumed by all to mean a very narrow sliver of experience. Yet it is clearly more as you suggest. It is not just a physical experience, but a complicated psychological one. So, you are absolutely correct and I appreciate your comment. I plan to continue this conversation by writing another piece that you might find clarifying, regarding the different perspectives people take on the issue of beauty, attraction and attractiveness.
BTW; Just so you know, the titles for the pieces submitted to HP are sometimes chosen by the editors, not the authors. They mostly do a great job getting readers attention, but the headlines are not always what the author intended.
While I'll always know I "am" beautiful, I still hate that I can't look beautiful. For this generation, there is strong emphasis on the latter; I always question the quality of my future and wonder if I could ever look beautiful, but life is not fair...
Come to think of it, how can one achieve perfect symmetry via plastic surgery? Is that even possible?
Botox and cosmetic surgeries looks unnatural and horrendous. It changes your natural look and you lose appeal.
www.thesocialshrink.blogspot.com
Here's an example : Spanish women never lost or gave away their femininity. American women think they should act like the CEO to attract the CEO. You might actually get one yes but he'll cheat on you the day after the wedding.
What Makes Women Attractive : (By a man- or at least confused for one for 50 years)
1. Good hair - never underestimate a damn good hair style
2. Flesh - expose some of your assets - just a peak; neck line, legs, wear something that ripples
3. Vulnerability - nothing turns a man off faster than a Man-Like Woman with confidence. If we want Testosterone Confidence we'd be gay, do you want to compete in that arena too ?
4. Clothes that compliment your assets
Big caveate here ladies -
STOP buying stuff off the rack that looks good on the manikan !
Decide if your dressing for men or women. Most women dress for women then comlain when men dont pay attention or know anything about fashion. Wrong. We saw it we didnt like it.
Open toed shoes ok if you have cute feet not if your a sasquatch and can catch a football with them.
Black doesn't make you look thin, its boring unless your 32-28-32.
Flirtatious doesn't mean "coming on to a man" it means, I like flirting because its cheeky. It's honest. We know you like to flirt so quit hiding and lying about it. Flirt with your personality.
I should make a list of what men don't like.
Ladies you can be as fat momma cass or as ugly as a buzzard but we dont care if your
The beauty of Dr. Miller's advice is it is not geared to any particular taste; it is universally beneficial to all women, regardless of whether or not they're wearing sandals or the color black.
Since you didn't share a counter observation I'd have to assume the points I made may have applied to you or you have nothing to share other than brief rejection of the post.
If you want the readers to believe your credible you'll want to share more of yourself when you post. I'm careful to expose any and all of my opinions, perspectives accurately flaws and all. I'd rather be credible as a poster than be "right" or "politically correct". Feel free to critique anything I say but at least do so with some detail or explaination.
I work in Corporate America and have for over 20 years. I'm surrounded by "dress for success women" every day. I'm familiar with the topic. I stand by my opinions.
Women define "success" by what the boss thinks is "success" or "upwardly mobile". Because the boss controls the strings. If you dont impress the boss you dont get the promotion. Your not "annointed" by virtue of MTV in working America you have to connect with a Gate Keeper. Unless your born filthy rich. Then who cares what you look like right ?
Dress for themselves ? I think not.