Is Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder or the Beholdee?

Sometimes I find the comments written after blog posts as informative as the articles themselves. I certainly had that experience as I read the lively exchange that followed a piece I wrote here a couple of weeks ago called Beauty Tips for the Body and Soul. The article described the four most common answers to, "What makes a woman really feel beautiful?" a question I used in a survey to research the qualities that most reliably led to the experience of attractiveness. The post described results from the survey; with confidence, flexibility, the ability to smile and a lack of self-criticism topping the list. At the end of the post, I asked readers to tell me which beauty tips worked for them and if they had suggestions for others. Their comments taught me a lot.

Some bloggers agreed with the results of the survey, noting that the list resonated with their own personal experiences. Some offered additional tips, writing that there was much more to beauty than the four items described in the article. Others strongly disagreed, saying I had it all wrong. For example, one person wrote that they associated confidence (a quality on my list) with haughtiness and that it was a turnoff to them. Another pointed toward the important distinction between women who smile (also on my list) versus women who genuinely appear happy, the former having little to do with true beauty, the latter being what it was all about for them.

As I read close to two hundred plus comments, it became increasingly clear that the question asked in the survey could be answered quite differently depending on how it was interpreted and who was responding. As one blogger wrote there is a "gap between perception and self-perception" and "beauty to one person is different than beauty to world at large." Another put it well, when she asked if I meant,"Beauty as one sees oneself? As members of your own gender see you? Members of the opposite gender? A particular person?"

Knowingly or not, these comments highlighted the complicated experience of beauty, a topic discussed in my book, "Face It: What Women Really Feel as Their Looks Change," and one that I felt deserved a follow-up post here. Clearly there is a distinction between feeling attractive and looking attractive and between looking good to oneself as opposed to looking good to others. And there are even more differences when these issues are discussed by men versus women and by those under 50 or over 50. Below is a compilation of responses I received -- from men, women, young and not so young -- sorted into categories based on these different perspectives. I think you will find them quite enlightening.

1. What makes women look attractive (from a female perspective)? Perhaps not surprisingly, the most common response was "youth" -- youthful skin, teeth and hair topped the list. Remember, this is what women say looks attractive, not what makes them feel attractive. Women, especially Baby Boomers, tend to see youth as beautiful and aging as not, possibly the result of cultural pressure to appear younger than their age. Interestingly, this differs, as you will read below, from what makes women feel beautiful. Younger women more often wrote "looking natural" as the key to attractiveness (which may, in fact, be equated in their minds with youth). Women of all ages mentioned a great smile as the next most important feature, adding that a smile had to look genuine to look beautiful. Some wrote that having white teeth and full lips helped. Following a great smile came blue eyes and long lashes, stylish hair, shapely legs, long neck, full breasts and good sense of fashion.
2. What makes women feel attractive (from a female perspective)? Instead of youthful looks, the quality that was most often cited by women when it came to feeling attractive was appearing genuinely happy. Over and over women wrote that they felt beautiful when authentic joy showed on their faces and bodies. And this was true for women of all ages. The shift from looking to feeling attractive moved women from the external to the internal, from a focus on the physical to the positive feelings that made them attractive to themselves. Added to the list was feeling passionate, confident, purposeful, competent and feeling fit. Being loved was also important, more often for the older set. Interestingly, appearing young was rarely mentioned by women when it came to feeling (not looking) beautiful
3. What makes women look attractive (from a male perspective)? Men ranked a great smile first as the quality that made a woman of any age look beautiful to them. Youth rarely came up on their list. A healthy and radiant demeanor came next. Good skin, long hair, a voluptuous body, great legs and good posture were also mentioned. Older men seemed to focus more on the physical aspects of beauty seen on women's faces, while younger men talked more about women's bodies. Male responders almost never mentioned the kind of physical attributes typically associated with model-like looks -- perfect, symmetrical features or thin, angular bodies.
4. What makes men attracted to women (from a male perspective)? This is where it really got interesting. It became clear that this perspective brought out a very different response from bloggers and was more about the chemistry of beauty. The most important quality that made older men attracted to a woman was her interest in him. For younger men it was a woman's ability to be engaging, a quality that is somewhat similar to what older men wrote about. Generally, making a guy feel good about himself seemed key to a man being attracted to a woman. Other qualities they listed included being non-judgmental, optimistic, genuine, happy, relaxed, flirtatious, warm, fun, sensual, witty and bright. Notice, these are aspects of a woman's character (not physical assets) that are similar to those that makes women feel attractive, but not necessarily those women believe make them look attractive.

Obviously, there are more questions that can be asked about beauty and no right answers to the ones that have been raised. Yet the very act of asking them sheds light on how complicated the whole issue is. What we do know is that the standards of beauty are much wider than the narrow one portrayed in the media. In fact, the responses described here support the notion that beauty truly is in the "eye" and "I" of the beholder.

Offer your reactions to these questions so we can continue the discussion about what beauty means to you? And please fan me here, "friend" me on Facebook, and follow me on Twitter. I would like you to be part of the conversation.

"FACE IT: What Women Really Feel As Their Looks Change" by Vivian Diller, Ph.D., with Jill Muir-Sukenick, Ph.D. and edited by Michele Willens, is a psychological guide to help women deal with the emotions brought on by their changing appearances. As models turned psychotherapists, Diller and Sukenick have had the opportunity to examine the world of beauty from two very different vantage points.

For more information on the book, authors, and events, please visit http://www.faceitthebook.com/

 

 

 

Follow Vivian Diller, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrVDiller

Comments

[staceyann dolenti]

12:38 PM on 02/11/2011

I so often find this with my friends....the most confident by FAR attract more men then the most beautiful.


Staceyann A Dolenti

[caveniakoency]

12:39 AM on 01/07/2011

And, as a 25-year old female, I would say that nothing is more attractive in a woman of any age, than the confidence they radiate as they walk into a room. Any woman of any age, size, or type can get my attention and make me think "wow" just from the command for attention that their presence establishes and way they carry themselves.
Just look at the media. In every movie or TV show in which you have an assumedly "beautiful woman" (because they tell you she is, regardless of what you truly think about her physical attributes), this fact is expressed by how all the other characters must simply acknowledge her presence in every scene. Think about Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson, Sofia Lauren, Julie Andrews... it's all about their presence. The rest (hair, clothes, makeup) is just fluff.

[caveniakoency]

12:30 AM on 01/07/2011

Point Number 2, which talks about being genuinely happy and reflecting that in a woman's face and personality, reminded me of the "pregnancy glow" that people report about expecting mothers. That special something that makes them look glowing and beautiful -even with a big round belly- is nothing more than the same genuine happiness they reflect, as some non-expectant women also do.

[p456]

02:27 PM on 12/27/2010

True beauty is only skin deep.

[Vivian Diller, Ph.D.]

02:49 PM on 12/27/2010

True beauty, according to the research I have looked at that examines this question (What is beauty?) points toward beauty being a biological, cognitive and perceptual experience. I believe it is more than skin deep.

[p456]

03:40 PM on 12/27/2010

What is under skin? It is all biological except for spirit.

[Kellybelle22]

12:26 PM on 12/27/2010

Knowing I'm loved and desired by my husband adds to my own feeling of attractiveness. He's the most communicative, direct, unconflicted-about-closeness gentleman I've ever met. Few things make a man more handsome than his ability to combine masculinity with tenderness..

For me, both maturity and maternity have been very beautifying experiences. I'm healthier, fitter, smarter and happier with myself the older I get. The more my capacity for love has been expanded by a happy marriage and by our unexpected gift of a mid-life pregnancy and healthy baby, the more this happy glow reflects in my person at 51. Beauty, at least for me, has a very spiritual component. It's remarkable how feeling fulfilled, loved, able to love myself, and able to love and nurture others contribute to the absence of desire to alter my external appearance with surgeries, injections or other procedures.

[Vivian Diller, Ph.D.]

02:52 PM on 12/27/2010

I loved your response. Yes, being loved and loving someone brings beauty experienced internally out to our external selves. I hope to quote you in some article I write in the future. Thanks for your comment.

[Kellybelle22]

11:50 PM on 12/27/2010

Thank you for your kind words. What a pleasure to read them and to receive affirmation that what I'm feeling reflects externally, as I have suspected it does. I consider myself fortunate to be able to love and be loved in return.

[DrVivian]

08:55 AM on 12/27/2010

Men and women bloggers who have followed this trail, I am going to post another piece here soon about "What Makes a Man Look and Feel Attractive?" So for those of you who have asked to hear more about that perspective, stay tuned. It'll be an interesting comparison......

[Badger33]

05:53 AM on 12/24/2010

As a man, I don't expect jaw-dropping physical beauty. However, I like a woman who hasn't given up on herself. I do expect a quick wit and the ability to flirt. Sadly, as far as that attribute goes, there aren't many women who channel Dorothy Parker or Mae West. Too many concrete thinkers.

[Vivian Diller, Ph.D.]

01:07 PM on 12/24/2010

It's surprising how few women recognize how much men appreciate and are attracted to quick wit and humor. These attributes have been mentioned several times by men here and on other surveys I have done. And wit does not have to diminish with age! It's too bad more women don't focus on these ageless qualities than their physical ones, which as you say matter, but not necessarily more than others.

I think I'm going to survey women on what they find attractive about men next. Should be an interesting comparison!

Thanks for your comment.

[french queen13]

12:11 AM on 12/25/2010

I can tell you what I find attractive, Dr Diller! Physically - shoulder-length, curly dark hair, neat moustache, slim build, beautiful smile (or wicked grin). Readiness to laugh and willingness to be laughed at; serious and frolicsome by turns; loving, empathetic, gentle, protective and enjoying being protected as well.

Very specific, I know - because it's my husband, and truly, nobody else, even the Depps and Clooneys of the world, are more than aesthetically-pleasing pictures by comparison. I have total tunnel vision! :)

[littlepuffycloud]

12:37 PM on 12/23/2010

At age 55, I'm one of the invisibles now..The only person who notices anything about me including my hair or clothes is my 33 yr-old daughter. She compliments for me about something every time I see her. About once a month a stranger in the grocery store will say they like my long 'silver' hair, but that's it. It would be nice if my girlfriends or husband noticed I've lost 20 lbs in the last 7 months but I'm trying to be less needy and gain confidence from within myself. But still...

[Vivian Diller, Ph.D.]

06:15 PM on 12/23/2010

It may be worth letting your friends and family know what you feel. Engage them in a conversation. As we age, none of us attracts same kind of attention as we once did, but that doesn't mean becoming invisible. According to the responders to this blog, being engaged, passionate and nurturing are ways that bring women attention at any age.

[onionboy]

03:59 PM on 12/22/2010

I won't enter the beholder/beholdee argument, but I do have one point.

The degree to which someone is attracted to you has no connection to how attractive that person is to you. I hear people say "she's out of my league" or "he could get anyone else, he's not going for me". I used to believe this. Then I met a guru who set me straight. He set me on a little experiment to actually hit on women I didn't find very attractive. What did I find? They turned me down or responded in the exact same rate as women to whom I was very attractive (even those I though were out of my league). This was a revelation for me in my dating prime. Basically, hitting on the most attractive woman in the room gives the same chances of success, but greater personal rewards. If I were Brad Pitt, this would not be an issue, but given that I'm onionboy...it's important. And of course when I say "attractive" I mean my version, which is not the same as someone else's version, which is exactly what the whole thing is about.

I impart this knowledge because I'm many years married now and no longer need it. And yes, my wife is much much better looking than me, though her eyes might see different.

[Jordana Jacobs]

08:59 PM on 12/22/2010

I guess what you're saying is that you agree with this author, that there is no one definition of attractive. Beholder/beholdee, cutlure, media? There is no single meaning to beauty. It's personal and individual.

[onionboy]

11:44 AM on 12/23/2010

Yes, but I was also expanding that you can't know the other person's opinion of attractiveness based on their appearance. I would say that the vast majority of people do this (eg, "so-and-so could do better").

[nonamejustgame]

03:13 PM on 12/20/2010

It's in the eye of the beholder....absolutely!!

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[RedRat]

10:06 PM on 12/19/2010

Wow, this really opens a complicated can of worms! What a person feels about themselves delves deeply into psychology, clearly many answers can be made and no one answer will be right. This question is much like debating how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. I guess, the answer will vary from day to day, even minute to minute. I doubt that it can ever be answered, you are what you are--man or woman.

[Vivian Diller, Ph.D.]

10:18 PM on 12/19/2010

I wrote this article to make just the point you make here, that beauty is complicated. If it gets people questioning the narrow, uni-dimensional definitions offered by the media, then I've accomplished something here. Thanks for your comment.

[LifeChangeStartsNow]

08:17 PM on 12/19/2010

When I'm not feeling so great, nothing I wear looks right or feels right and I know I just have to let it go and leave the house feeling as if I look terrible.

I have had occasion to receive compliments or get the "look" from men on my "off" days which let me know that I was attractive - perked me right up - and that it was my negative feelings which influenced how I thought I looked in the mirror.

After that happened a few times, I got the message and never forgot it so when I have one of those days, I know it's just me since my clothes always fit well even when my head isn't on right.

That said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder - MINE! Now, even when I don't feel great I know I am a damn fine woman and this is projected. Behold...

I know my Self, you see.

You have been fanned Vivian.

Cheers

[DrVivian]

10:36 PM on 12/19/2010

We get smarter about a lot of things as we age. When our own eyes can see beyond the surface of our appearance, we can have "off" days and still feel pretty good about ourselves. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.

[french queen13]

12:16 AM on 12/25/2010

Well said, well said! Taking the positive messages and absorbing them's the way to go. We do it so easily with negative stuff - or even assume that there'll be negative responses when we've no evidence of it. Good on you for learning and knowing this! I've had a similar experience, getting the message (eventually, lol) from my husband that I, too, am a damn fine woman.

And - if some stranger doesn't think so - well, tough, that's his or her loss!

Cheers :)

[kaw5234]

04:29 PM on 12/19/2010

This may sound silly but I feel that people who are kind, considerate, easy going etc have a tendency of being more attractive in my eyes. Also, there is something about smiling that adds to someones beauty. It is very warm and inviting. But then again beauty is subjective...

[TheMacIsCrazy]

08:18 PM on 12/19/2010

Doesn't sound silly at all (or may be I'm biased because I use the same yardstick).

[P3]

09:37 PM on 12/19/2010

Yes, I understand, it is being comfortable with, around, and opening up ones real self, not nervous like what your clothes or hair look like, they never are even thought about. Warm, friendly, welcome, pleasantness.

[jonesygal]

01:46 PM on 12/19/2010

While I agree that being friendly and warm and making the man feel good is absolutely the way to keep him interested, as a 38 year old single woman, I can tell you, if you don't have the physical attractions (read: a rail-thin toothpick with tits) no man will give you enough of a glance to find out if you are friendly, warm or will make them feel good about themselves.

This is why I just had liposuction. I thought I looked pretty good before the surgery. But, now men who never ever gave me a second glance or carried on a conversation with me are now flocking to my side. I used to stand at the elevator door only to have a car full of men let it close right in front of my size 14 body. Now that I am a size 8, they hold the elevator for me when I'm still approaching. They smile, ask me where I work, how my day is going, etc.

Everything in this article is true -- but it assumes that you LOOK good enough for them to even notice you are optimistic, friendly, warm fun, bright, etc. This is the reality of our culture.

[SarcasticFringehead]

06:11 PM on 12/19/2010

So, the attention of men makes you feel good about yourself.

[LifeChangeStartsNow]

08:34 PM on 12/19/2010

I am happy for you and your size 8 but I think you need to get the culture OUT of you and start frequenting a better class of people.

I wear a size 14, 12 or 10 depending on designer and I am not warm, fuzzy or friendly at all on first acquaintance and I rarely smile outwardly. I do laugh a lot though.

My point being that I attract attention wherever I am, men stop for me all the time, open doors, pay my coffee, stop traffic to let me cross etc. etc. etc. and that is without me being the least bit interested. However a polite thank you with a smile does go a long way in these instances.

I therefore do not believe your issues had anything to do with your size 14 but then again, I did not grow up bombarded by barbie boobs, stick thin arms and legs and a hank of hair as the prerequisite format for the american female.

Now that you're in a size body that you prefer, it might just be time to check on your beliefs so that you don't allow the superficial to ruin your lovely life.

Cheers