Narcissistic Parents: Will Their Kids Be All Right?

It may not be illegal to dress a 4-year-old in Pretty Woman regalia or like a mini-Dolly Parton -- breast pads and all -- but it would seem to border on immoral. And yet there are many parents who have been doing just that -- while millions more were watching.

I know I am not alone in my aversion to reality shows like Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't bring myself to get through even one full episode of this TLC series, which recently ran its grand finale to end their fourth season. But I did read articles about it here on HuffPost and in the cover story of People Magazine.

Harvard sociologist, Hilary Friedman, described one scene in "The Grand Finale," that confirmed why the show is both riveting and reviling for its 2 million fans. She wrote about a mom who was overheard harshly coaxing her 5-year-old daughter to focus on her practice routine. With her back to the camera, she said "Don't you dare tell me 'no' one more time. Do you hear me!? We are on national TV. Everybody's going to see this. Do you hear me?" At which point the mom slapped a smile on her face, turned to the camera and said in a kinder tone, "Okay. We're doing the Cruella de Vil run-through." The little girl, trying to cooperate, began practicing, only to become exasperated and said, "you are driving me crazy" for all of America to hear.

From the mouth of babes, "crazy" is right! And yet, it was not this particular interaction that bothered me, but rather how much it reminded me of other Mommie Dearest scenes being played out elsewhere in our country -- more private ones with no camera in sight -- that include daddies as well. Have you sat among parents at a children's soccer tryout recently? Or in the waiting area of a kid's chess tournament? How about on the steps of nursery schools right before parents enter for their child's Pre-K interview?

What is different about the interactions on Toddler and Tiaras is that they are exposed for all to see. We have the opportunity to view families willing to let us in on their world, party because they are caught on TV and in part because of their narcissistic desires to be watched. In real life, unlike reality television, parents are quietly coaching, cajoling and pushing their kids to excel in all sorts of ways these days -- academically, in the performing arts and at every sport imaginable.

And the earlier the pressure starts in a child's life the better. A humorous commercial for GEICO Insurance makes light of this issue -- with a mom and dad talking about how they plan to secure their future by setting their son on the path toward professional basketball. Their 5-year-old boy dribbles the ball, dunks, but gets stuck on the rim of net, hanging there while the parents keep talking to the camera about their precocious son's talent -- their insurance policy.

Not so funny when parents are doing 'crazy' things in real life to ensure their child's extraordinary success. Parents today have begun to genetically test their toddlers for athletic potential. With claims to be able to determine a child's ultimate capacity for speed, agility and power, these tests appeal to parents who are eager to determine which sport their child should focus on and if their prodigies will grow into sport stars.

In the NY Times piece, "Born to Run? Little Ones Get Tests for Sports Gene ," Boyd Epley, a former conditioning coach at the University of Nebraska, encourages testing, saying it is regularly being used in other countries, like China an Russia, in their quest to create Olympic teams. Identifying talent early on, he says, helps whittle down the pool of athletes until only the best remain. Genetic testing "is how we could stay competitive with the rest of the world."

While the parents of toddlers in tiaras may be hyper focused on enhancing their children's beauty -- narrow as that 'talent' may be -- is it really that different from the dynamics involved in other children's competitions? Years ago, we watched Joe Montagna in the film, Searching for Bobby Fisher, poignantly portray the true story of a father's struggle with his young son, a chess prodigy. The boy -- in real life, Josh Waitzkin -- ultimately opted out of the tournament circuit to avoid Fisher's destiny, a life of isolation and unhappiness in spite of his great success. More recently we watched another parent-child struggle in the film, The Black Swan. A talented ballerina, played by Natalie Portman, is driven toward her destiny by her pathologically narcisstic mother. We all know how that story ended.

What about the young boys and girls in Jig, the documentary about the competitive world of Irish Dancing? Forced smiles, elaborate costumes, strange wigs and huge trophies were interesting fodder for the film, but some of the family interactions were pretty disturbing to watch. No doubt there will soon be a documentary about youth travel team sports in America exposing the intense dynamics between parents and children on those fields of dreams.

Madisyn Verst, the little 5-year-old on Toddlers and Tiaras was being coached by her mom who said, "if you're going to compete, you have to do what it takes." For her that meant false eyelashes, spray tanning and relentless rehearsing 'mature' dance routines over and over. But really, how does Madisyn's mother differ from stage moms of most child actors? Or parents of musical prodigies? Do the kids who compete in National Spelling Bees have parents who sit back, uninvolved?

In his autobiography, Open, Andrew Agassi made it clear that his tennis career was navigated through a tortured relationship with his coach/dad. More recently, at Wimbledon, Marion Bartoli considered banning her father from watching her tournaments because of similar overly involved family dynamics. Maria Sharapova's father has rarely been seen court-side since the USTA condemned the throat-slitting gesture he made toward her while losing the Australian Open.

Do we really think the Tiger moms and dads of everyday children behave any better?

To single out families in Toddlers and Tiaras is to neglect that fact that there have been, and continue to be, narcissistic parents who view their children as extensions of themselves, pushing their kids to achieve in ways that meet their parents needs, not necessarily their own -- sometime with positive results, but leaving most with a distorted experience of childhood.

But perhaps now, more than ever, all parents -- narcissistic or not -- are faced with difficult choices. Do we equip our children with the tools they need to compete with "Super People " -- the current species of highly successful kids identified by Jim Altas in his recent NY Times opinion piece? He writes that we live in an "hysterically competitive, education-obsessed society" that has "finally outdone itself in its tireless efforts to produce winners whose abilities are literally off the charts."

So, here's the question: Should we be training today's children to win -- beauty pageants, sports competitions, spelling bees or in any arena they 'play?' And at any cost? Or do we support them to be the best they can be, letting them develop into their genuine true selves and hope they turn out just fine? I think you know my answer.

What are your thoughts about this parenting issue?

**** Vivian Diller, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice in New York City. She has written articles on beauty, aging, media, models and dancers. She serves as a consultant to companies promoting health, beauty and cosmetic products. "Face It: What Women Really Feel As Their Looks Change" (2010), written with Jill Muir-Sukenick, Ph.D. and edited by Michele Willens, is a psychological guide to help women deal with the emotions brought on by their changing appearances.

For more information, please visit my websites at www.FaceItTheBook.com and www.VivianDiller.com. Friend me on Facebook (at http://www.facebook.com/Readfaceit) or continue the conversation on Twitter.

 

 

 

Follow Vivian Diller, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrVDiller

Comments

[ARTIST50]

04:53 PM on 10/21/2011

Our family has a lake cottage where we congregate on holidays. At age 55 I told my mother I was going on vacation with some girlfriends over Memorial Day. She looked at me and said, "Weren't you going to ask me first?" She tried and often succeeded in controlling my life until she passed away. I look back and realize that it was my fault, but it's so difficult to disrespect your parent when you've been raised that way.

[Hollywooddeed]

03:52 PM on 10/18/2011

My narcissistic ex-husband did the opposite with the son from second marriage. His son adored him.

My ex undermined every hope, dream and talent the son had in order to make him eternally dependent. The son is now 24, living at home, working in a low-paying, going nowhere job with no friends and no outside interests or activities. My ex created in his son the only thing that would benefit him forever - someone who would provide him with narcissistic supply. What a waste.

[DrVivian]

02:37 PM on 10/19/2011

Sad story. Happens in families more than we like to know.

[SILLYWILLY5]

12:48 PM on 10/18/2011

I am an only child and was the sole focus of my parents' attention. They did an amazingly good job at keeping me unaware of how singular their focus was during childhood so I was not overly spoiled by attention. They were eyes on, hands off type of parents. As a young adult I put a lot of pressure on myself to be successful to make them "proud" despite the fact that they had never outwardly hung their pride or happiness on my shoulders. They were their own people and even if they did live vicariously through me in some aspects, it wasn't apparent to me until I was well into adulthood and able to understand it. I think its impossible for parents not to pin their hopes and dreams on their children, but I do think its possible to be responsible and keep those feelings in check and not let their children know how intensely their successes and failures affect them.

[erathwomen]

08:34 AM on 10/18/2011

Parents are often too concerned with making sure their kid is in the limelight so that everryone in town can see that Susie is a cheerleader (in 7th grade) or does tumbling or plays football,etc. it's amazing to see 12 yr old girls spending an entire day getting hair and makeup done for cheer tryouts!

[edgeninja]

01:30 AM on 10/18/2011

I was enrolled in a program for "gifted" children from kindergarten to grade 8 (the max the program lasted). Suffice it to say, we were constantly pushed harder and farther than any other class in our grade. Summer break was not an actual break, as it usually meant math and science camp for most of us. All of the moms and dads were typical helicopter parents. We were highly expected to all become lawyers, doctors, etc. someday.

Twenty years later, the "gifted" program has long since been eliminated from my school system and all of my former classmates are single, look like crap and working as either DJs or club promoters.

[bonschwein]

09:21 PM on 10/17/2011

These parents rob their children of childhood and self!

[lillibet]

08:14 PM on 10/17/2011

Perhaps the greatest of all television narcissists - a woman who seems to fit all 9 characteristics of NPD - is Kate Gosselin. And while armchair analysis is never a good idea, this woman just threw her destructive, frightening personality traits out there for the world to see episode after episode. But typical of narcissists, she perceived any criticism as coming from mean, jealous haters (or as Kate lovers would write, "jellus haters".) So Kate continued to belittle, embarrass, humiliate, demean, verbally abuse, mock and threaten her 8 children.

And how often, when interviewed, does she bemoan the fact that she has sacrificed so much for the sake of her children. What an incredible message to give your kids! "My unhappiness is your fault." Using "I'm a victim of HOM" she grifted from coast to coast.

People say, "Well, if you don't like it then don't watch it." However, when it comes to children, if networks and their parents are going to protect them, perhaps ordinary citizens should.

I look forward to the day when there is a Coogan's Law put in place to protect all children on reality television and I hope it is called The Gosselin Law.

[bannelee]

06:43 PM on 10/17/2011

My kids played outside in the summer,like I did when I was a kid.It seems that parents are so busy signing their kids up for classes in this and that,they hardly have time to rest,let alone have any time to themselves or for any creative time that isn't scheduled.It's sad and overrated. I believe in the long run,it can't be good for them,mentally or emotionally. i think early burn-out could be right around the corner before they've even begun to really live.

[dil123]

08:52 PM on 10/17/2011

I told my daughter she could rest in college. Until that time she was going to go to her activities. She did beauty pageants, acting camp in the summer, competitive dance, competitive cheer, regular jazz, tap, ballet, singing lessons, summers in NY for acting and modeling. She even took one ice skating lesson and one horseback riding lesson. She did all this between the ages of 2 and 18. Idel hands she did not have.
Was I narcissictic? Maybe, I didn't think so. Was I a helicopter mom, perhaps. Was a bad mother? Not according to my daughter. Mostly, I think I was just trying to save my beautiful child from the terrible influences of the streets. I didn't want my daughter to become a statistic and this was the only way I knew how to do it. My daughter didn't end up crazy or hateful of me, she didn't get "burn out". She just grew up and went to college and got a job to pay for all the little extra things she wanted (like Marc Jacob shoes and Juicy Couture), and believe it or not, she never did take that "rest".

[Haight]

02:37 AM on 10/18/2011

She has my sympathy.

[Kali03]

04:37 PM on 10/17/2011

I taught (as a one-year visitor) at a university that had a horror known as "Parents' Week." Mommies and daddies could come to campus and even spend the week in the dorms with l'il Precious and attend classes with them. Lots of parents stayed in local hotels, but there were some who stayed with their prince or princess in the dorms.

One, I will never forget. The daughter had been driving me nuts. This kid would not do ANYTHING without checking with me to make sure that she got it right and she absolutely demanded "feedback" (her words, and this an eighteen year old) for everything.

Enter Mama. Mama stayed in the dorms and came to class. Mama did not let this girl do anything without checking it. Mama also tried to tell me about my research specialty and argue with me during class. Mama then got feelings hurt. I was pleasant enough, but I nipped her cr@p to the bud. It was my classroom and our (mine and my students') time. I wasn't going to waste it letting this woman redirect my lesson plan. And indeed, this woman had every reason to be the insecure person that she was--not a lot of brains there, but enough anxiety and control-freakiness to fill a house. And she took it all out on her kid. My guess is that the kid will grow up to be a carbon copy of miserable Mama.

I felt sorry for them both.

[gneep]

11:54 AM on 10/17/2011

"It is NOT important to win! It IS important to play to win." --Dad.

[Tink34]

12:52 PM on 10/16/2011

I also agree that finding a balance is difficult as a parent. My husband and I struggled with my son because we tried to give him choices, and not push too hard when he would join activities. We found that if he didn't want to practice, he would just quit. I felt as though I couldn't figure out when to push, and when to let him decide. I partially feel as though the activities he joined were chosen because he thought that's what he should do. If that's the case, it would explain why he seemed to have no drive. He'd rather be creating things on the computer, writing, or reading. On the other hand, I'm an elementary teacher, and have seen the driven parents in action. They will tear into the room upset that their child has received a B. I've also had students cry when they see a B or a C on their report card, and tell me they'll be grounded, or pulled out of an activity. That's a lot of pressure for a small child.

[SILLYWILLY5]

01:11 PM on 10/18/2011

Your comment resonates with me! This is not a suggestion but rather me sharing my experience. I think my parents best "parenting" tactic was simply expect me to honor my obligations. They kept me busy by suggesting lots of activities to try. It wasn't always my idea to take something up but it was always my choice. I wasn't expected to be the best, or even like the activity, but I did have to stick with it until it was officially over. When I wanted to take piano lessons, I had attend my lesson weekly, even if I hadn't practiced and wanted skip. I joined the basketball team in Jr high and hated it and begged to quit but I had to go to every practice and finish out the season because my team relied on me. And that was how everything went whether it was an activity, job or class. I think that lesson of managing obligations taught me to find what activities I wanted to do most and devote time to. The focus wasn't on success, it was on following through. In the long run, it made me very successful at the things I decided to focus on most without the pressure of being the best.

[maxfax]

12:31 PM on 10/16/2011

Fact- Children have survived over the centuries under much worse conditions and experiences. Narcissistic parents, a new phenomenon? Not a chance, as long as we've had parents, we've had the "narcissistic parent." The difference now, from say 100 or 1,000 years ago, technology, and "stuff" that costs more money, that's about all.

[lawgrrl]

11:33 AM on 10/16/2011

Great book that addresses this topic from another angle: "Queen Bees & Wannabes", and "Queen Bee Moms and King Pin Dads".

[Amy Samson]

11:06 AM on 10/16/2011

My thoughts: being a 21st century parent is hard. It's a delicate balance of doing what your gut tells you is best for your child and what the various experts and ideological fads of the day tell you to do. In addition there's advertising and family members to contend with--there's a certain amount of sabotaging that goes on. I'm raising a child who hears the word "No" a lot because I'm trying to instill in her the ability to wait, not have everything she wants instantaneously handed to her, and I constantly have to fight with advertisers and overly indulgent, lax family members. (And I'd like to note that's coming from a namby pamby, socialisty "Welfare for all!" liberal progressive in a family of "take responsibility!! down with welfare!!" tea party fans.)

I think parenting is all about bucking the system, being strong enough to say NO to advertisers/indulgent types. Parenting 21st century style is a tangled bramble of thorny bushes, and you really have to have a good inner compass. If you don't, your kids are kinda screwed. I think that's what we're seeing with a lot of reality shows (and, often, your local park/playground: a lot of people without good inner compasses).

[lawgrrl]

11:22 AM on 10/16/2011

Well said. My 5 year old daughter is in ballet, shows potential (as much as a 5 year old can), and we just got her recital pics back---she is beautiful, and literally looks like a ballerina doll. Could I put her in commercials? Yes. Would she succeed? Particularly as a multi-racial child---Yes. But the risk of her being destroyed, and our family being destroyed in the process is too great. I can see the temptation that starts out innocently enough and from a place of love to show your beautiful or talented child to the world, but everything comes with a price. I think it's too easy for even the strongest and most idealistic parent to lose their "inner compass" when money or awards enter the picture. If either of my children express, on their own, their desire to pursue an activity, I will support it, but I hope I will always have the self-awareness to keep these things in balance.

[HannaSchmitz]

10:23 AM on 10/17/2011

Why does everyone think a multi-racial child is the most beautiful child? Yawn

[thinkingwomanmillstone]

03:13 PM on 10/16/2011

Discipline is from the latin word for student...it has nothing to do with punishment and everything to do with structure and support. It sounds like you are a woman who takes parenting very seriously. I can tell you from experience that the no's are a lot easier to say and enforce at a young age and truly reduces the number of no's in the teenage years. A temper tantrum prone or mouthy two year old is sometimes viewed as "cute" by parents or grandparents. It's seldom the case when they are teens. When my kids reached their teens, they needed less structure from me because they had built in self discipline and control. My main criticism about what children do today is that they must be exhausted. They have long days and late nights. They have no down time to learn about themselves and their own likes and dislikes. They cannot entertain themselves without an electronic device. They run from structured activity to structured activity. The frenetic pace has to have a cost on their physical health, learning and mental well being.

[lawgrrl]

04:51 PM on 10/16/2011

Amen. There is something to be said for "boredom". When my kids (5 & 2) say they are "bored", I love it, because it means they are going to resort to creativity at some point, and lo and behold, they end up reading/looking at books, or making up games, or making forts, and using their imaginations. My husband and I play with them too, but we are not their playmates, they need to learn to play by themselves and get lost in their heads and imagination. Yours is a good post to remember...

[kathismom]

07:19 AM on 10/16/2011

I have seen this passed from mother to daughter to daughters baby. Its very sad. The children never get to think for themselves.