When it comes to a gal and her crowning glory, there may be some truth to the antiquated adage, "We always want what we don't have."
Clearly, whoever penned that idiom was no idiot. I've found few things to ring truer, because as long as I've been aware of drawing breath, I've longed for straight, shiny, thick hair to hang down my back like silken cords woven by the gods.
Instead, I swam out of my gene pool with some crazy-curly, violently unruly, ratty-ass hair that requires great skill, serious funds, Japanese embalming fluid, hot irons in at least three different sizes and a mastery of these materials to create a look that's what I call... normal.
Why do I put my sorry skull through all this? Because I'm afraid to remember what I look like naturally.
And when I say afraid, I mean deeply afraid. Mine isn't your everyday, average curl that can be tamed into Debra Messing-esque shiny red ringlets. Being of Armenian descent, I have what I call an "Armo-fro," which can only be rivaled by the most aggressive of Jew-fros. My hair grows out -- not down. Ever since Curl Free hair relaxer's been on the market, I've made it my mission to tame the beast up top.
When I was of single-digit age, this could only be achieved by yanking my hair taut around mid-sized rollers and baking it under a bonnet dryer, which would drown any audible distraction from the heat and pain offered by "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom."
Once the double digits hit, I experimented with a hot comb, which, instead of loosening the curls, frayed the ends to add a halo of extra fuzz. As I inched toward my teens, I discovered solutions, which were more like problems. Until now, I'd blocked out traumatic memories of my mother bending me over the tub, pouring neutralizer over my head to cool my chemically scorched scalp -- an awful lot of effort for a kid who preferred punk to pageantry.
When Curl Free left me more curl full, I decided it was time to kick things up a notch and buy some Dark and Lovely. I'll never forget how the cashier at Osco Drug looked at the box, looked up at my awkward, teenaged Caucasian head, then down again with an affirmative "UmmmnHM," as if to reassure me that I was taking the appropriate measures.
Finally, my best friend Jenny had had enough of this nonsense: She took me to her salon and gave stern orders for her stylist to apply some professional-grade Dark and Lovely, STAT. That worked out well for a while.
Later, during my post-college stint as an office grunt, my friend Gale told me I'd handed my Armo-fro over to the wrong ethnic group.
"Girl, that shit will kill your hair," she said of the relaxer I was using. "You need to go to the Dominicans. They can handle that mess."
For the next ten years, I spent three hours every three months surrendering my scalp to "Mahrrreee" (roll the tongue) while watching Mexican soaps on Telemundo.
Then, in a turn of irony, the typically straight-haired Japanese invented a relaxer that works on the kinkiest of hairs -- even mine! -- and it never washes out. So my girl Yuko is now lord and saviour of my head. In another turn of irony, all this hair-crack is making my hair look more like strung-out straight straw than silken cords.
I imagine it would be so freeing and cathartic to shed myself of artifice and get over my fear of how I'd look with what I was given -- not what I'd wanted. But this brand of chemical dependence is deeply addictive for, over the years, I've become a junkie and, as junkies do, have managed to convince myself that I am, in fact, a straight-haired person.
Why not just grow it out? That would be more than my vanity could bear. My natural kinky roots and stick-straight ends would make me look like one of those Phish-fan barefoot twirlers trying to grow white-people dreadlocks.
Of course, the painless way to conquer my hair fears would be to chop it all off and get pricey extensions like a Hollywood starlet until my natural Armo-fro gains more bounce to the ounce. But as extensions cost thousands a pop, it's fear over frizz for the win.
But when I hit the Lotto, I'm taking my hair to rehab.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.