Free Drugs for the Unemployed... Not the Fun Kind

Whoever said big billion dollar medical conglomerations didn't have a heart, as well as shill high-risk chemical concoctions for it? It's official: Pfizer Inc. has announced that it will provide 70 of its most popular prescriptions (like Lipitor, Zoloft and Viagra) gratis to the poor, fat, flaccid sad sacks who have been unlucky enough to have lost their jobs and medical coverage... and (read the fine print) been loyal Pfizer customers for three months or more--JUST DON'T BUY GENERIC! WHATEVER YOU DO, STAY AWAY FROM GENERIC BRANDS THAT DO THE SAME THING BUT COST MARKEDLY LESS!!!

Yesiree Bobby, it seems altruism is alive and well within the amalgamated capitalist model. Slap on back. Hand on heart. Salute. Zoom up on single tear trickling down a chubby corporate fat cat's face, starting from his rad Ray-Bans and slowly pooling within the dainty dimple in his jaunty jowl.

Meanwhile, legislators in eight states are advocating that beneficiaries of Uncle Sam's subsidized programs such as food stamps, unemployment benefits or welfare be required to submit to random drug testing (AKA Operation Buzzkill) for certain substances that are not government approved. It seems the marijuana lobby, not surprisingly, isn't all that organized.

Seriously, though, I know there are diabetics that desperately need their testing supplies and medicines in order to survive, but Pfizer's plan (recently hatched at a leadership training program) seems more aimed at maintaining product loyalty than preserving the phalanges of the masses. What about all the non-Pfizer-buying sufferers left in a life-or-death limbo without the aid of desperately needed pharmaceuticals? F*ck em', I guess. 'Cause this is really about cutting losses and making sure none of the docile drug-buying sheeple stray away from the pack.

For in times of dire economic depression some might question the actual malady they are "suffering" from, seeking out alternate measures to treat the trauma they've been mindlessly medicating, as long it didn't make them choose between the deluxe cable package or the other little blue pill (that was for all you Matrix nerds). Worst of all (cut to aforesaid corporate fat cat's sweat-drenched visage, crocodile tears dried, eyes red and frantic, his douchebag-designer sunglasses long ago having slid down the slippery bridge of his rhinoplastied, cocaine-caked nose and shattering into a Million Little Pieces) some might even choose to exercise, change their diets or question the source of that mental pain they have been numbing for months or years--rather than directly line the pockets of an industry that, more often than not, encourages dependency rather than a cure. Can't let that happen!

To conclude, let's just take the Viagra subsidy in and of itself. Unemployment plus artificially stimulated erectile function in the elderly and/or infirm can only lead to positive developments for society as a whole, right? Hey, far be it from me to knock the importance of providing the prescription-paying public with boner pills so that they might procreate in their down time, breeding a whole new generation of loyal customers indoctrinated into the practice of pharmaceutical instant gratification by their pill-popping parents. Best of all, these newly distracted descendants who spend their formative years ministering to their drugged-out adult dependents can open up a vital ADHD market. Win-win!

Now if only they could concoct a new drug to stave off the impending Swine Flu Apocalypse, or better yet cook up a new virus to contrive a drug to avert ...that would be a real money-maker! Oh well, back to the drawing board.

Follow Warren Holstein on Twitter: www.twitter.com/WarrenHolstein

Comments

[JnrNorman]

Viagra causes blindness.
aspartame with viagra makes it even worse.

whatever GENETIC DISEASE you or your family have google the natural cure for it!
doctors love to tell youits genetic and prescribe meds

[nancyhira]

Thought I'd die laughing when I heard that Pfizer was providing Viagra free to its loyal but unemployed customers. It's not bad enuf that we're subjected to a constant bombardment of TV ads showing middle-aged guys cozying up to their weary wives -- those ads will turn womenj off faster than a cold shower on a Minnesota morning. Now we're assured that our umemployed husbands can make their own entertainment while they're unemployed. As for me, I'm taking a long, spiritual retreat until the blue pills are all gone...or my husband's decided that self-gratification is the way to go. BTW, is birth control available under this great Pfizer plan?

[splinky]

Hilarious...men wanting to enjoy healthy sexual function with their partners! If they're unemployed and under stress, let's make sure they feel like they can't perform the way they wish they could, just to add to it. Go take your long spiritual journey, perhaps your husband and his unreasonable expectations of intimacy with the woman he loves will find his gratification elsewhere. Or lie back and think of England, like all good Victorian ladies who find The Act so abhorrent.

Oh, and I'll trade you: you don't have to watch commercials for ED drugs, and I won't have to watch commercials demonstrating various products' abilities to absorb bright blue fluids.

[dmyron]

Well said! If only the American public weren't so gullible(and focused on sex) i could assume the transparent nature of this folly would backfire.