It comes as no surprise that after letting a man-child run our country for eight years, the GOP would give a child-child a crack at it (but then nothing is sacred in the New Token World Order of Sarah Palin and Bobby Jindal). Introducing 14 year-old Georgia eighth-grader Jonathan Krohn, the latest star speaker at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), little talking head (he's appeared on CNN, Fox and Friends and numerous radio shows across the country) and pre-pubescent voice of the Right.
Yup, this home-schooled Doogie Howser R.N.C. is the latest offering from the downward-spiraling Republican Party's public relations arm. Move over Jonas Brothers, there is a new asexual post-tweeny sensation hitting the nation and he has thrown down the gauntlet, defiantly proclaiming that " Barack Obama is the most left-wing president in my lifetime." Hmmm, let's see... subtract the eight years of tyranny and irreparable damage done by George W. Dunderhead Jr. and... well, I guess his seven formative years spent under the Clinton Regime gave him an adequate frame of reference. Toilet training under such a period of economic prosperity and fecundity must have traumatized him something terrible.
And what would any self-respecting right-wing pundit be without a book to pimp over the air waves and fiber-optic cable lines. Who wouldn't want to fork over their hard-earned Depression Benjamins for his 86-page magnum opus Define Conservatism (which he took the summer off to pen and humbly refers to as his "first effort" )? Suggested book jacket money quote: "I'm Bill Bennett: I used to work for Ronald Reagan and now I'm a colleague of Jonathan Krohn's."
Boy, oh boy, braces be damned! I'm sure his newfound fame will make him quite popular with the ladies over at Jesus Camp this year. He can finally throw out his over-thumbed, heavily creased, slightly sticky fold-out Sarah Palin poster (which he had secreted away in between Rush Limbaugh's The Way Things Ought to Be and the Oxford World's Classics' Authorized King James Version of The Bible) and become a man! Well almost. Remember, real men don't let dirty demonic desires ruin their lives and desecrate the Lord's Holy Plan for procreation; however, he certainly should have no problemo getting the Promise Ring of his choice (not to mention all the lanyard Holy Crosses and Ichthys Fishies a good God-fearing American boy could dream of).
Jonathan's conversion to the political dark side evidently took place at the tender young age of 8, after hearing about a Democratic filibuster involving judicial nominations. "I thought, 'Who goes to work saying, I'm going to filibuster today"?'" he said. Evidently his radical right media filter did not inform him of the late great Republican hero Senator Strom Thurmond's Guinness Book of World Record 24-hour-and-18-minute 1957 filibuster against the pesky prospect of civil rights (whose failure ultimately led the ascendancy of ole Jonny Boy's left-wing arch-nemesis--that's 3.714286 of his lifetimes ago if you're counting math nerds).
Considering his age, it is hard to say whether this is just a phase and if his political convictions will falter when his perfectly honed pre-pubescent inflected radio voice goes askew and non-partisan hormones run amok. It's even possible he could end up rebelling: start reading The Origin of Species, smoke weed and convert to Zen Buddhism. Although a more likely scenario would be his becoming a fanatic fan of the Christian heavy metal band Stryper, egging the local Planned Parenthood and flirting (Heaven forbid!) with being a moderate. Still, I wouldn't be shocked to see a Jonathan Krohn/Bristol Palin presidential ticket in 2030. God help us!