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Liz Cheney: Birther of Crazier Conspiracies

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Well, it appears Old Man Potter's progeny didn't fall far from the gnarled, twisted tree, as America bore witness to Liz Cheney unfurling her writhing power-hungry roots on Larry King, burrowing deep beneath the dirt filled with assorted creepy crawlies to feed her political prospects.

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By refusing to de-legitimize the Birther Movement (who believe there is a 48-year-old conspiracy afoot to have a native born Kenyan infiltrate the White House--even if all evidence including birth certificate and newspaper announcements are in direct contradiction to their twisted xenophobic reality) and going on to question Obama's loyalty to our God-loving nation of torture, revenge and fear of the other, it seems ole Spin Lizzy is simply fanning the flames of hillbilly hatred, hoping for a backdraft to buoy her onward and upward to fill the void left by the assassination of our nansy-pansy negotiating, anti-warmongering, internationally beloved, personal-freedom protecting, non-puppet-in-chief... or so the left-wing-leaning media would lead you to believe.

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However, what many in the drive-by media have failed to call attention to (with their relentless reliance on facts and annoyingly adult insistence on authenticity) are the other un-debunked conspiracy theories with a possible grain of half-truth or titillation that Elizabeth has been both tirelessly uncovering and propagating in her down-time from fulfilling her birthright to world domination.

Here are her Top 3:

1. The Obamas's Intergenerational Involvement in the Staged Apollo Moon Landing/Walk Footage
As of now, unauthenticated testimony from a fourth-party source implicates Barack Sr. as serving as not only a boom operator but gopher on a secret NASA soundstage which produced the awe-inspiring faked films. Although also possessing incontrovertible evidence such as a used coffee cup and the remnants of a glazed donut (gingerly bitten by the demented director), the clandestine whistleblower refuses to go public for fear of a vengeful Buzz Aldrin planting his 72-year-old, abnormally large, arthritic knuckles on his fragile, easy-to-bruise face.

Born just outside of Kendu Bay, Kenya, Big Daddy Barack was allegedly a member of a mysterious Kanyadhiang village tribe who had a fanatical aversion to green cheese (which those who have not bought into government-manipulated propaganda know the fungus-ridden satellite is comprised of). Anyway, the head witchdoctor of said heathen clan designated him and his offspring with the destiny of protecting all kindred palates from such evil-spirited celestial cultures, by any means necessary.

Is it merely coincidence or has Obama, Jr. most obviously followed in his father's fictionalized filmed footsteps by sanctioning the release of brand spanking new "restored" footage produced by Hollywood movie mavens Lowry Digital of Burbank, California? Is the lactose-tolerant among us being deprived of our solar system's tastiest treat?

2. Obama was the Third Shooter on the Grassy Knoll
Now the average uneducated layman might dismiss this out of hand, being that Obama was born on August 4th, 1961 and John F. Kennedy was assassinated on November 22nd, 1963. How could a two-year-old toddler wield a 6.5 mm caliber Carcano rifle, shouldering the recoil and blowback, when he could barely manage to walk and was (let's not forget!) a native indigene of Africa at the time? Because he wasn't an infant when he accomplished the assassination silly. Hello! Most of you are dismissing two of the most obvious variables that would handily lead to such a foreseeable conclusion: Jews and time travel. As we all now know Jews are masters of manipulating the media. Now, what if they were to take those crafty Semitic talents and apply them to the ever-so-easily malleable space-time continuum?

Blammo! No more JFK. Creating a deep-seated hurt in the heart and meta-consciousness of the big-hearted American Public, an endless emptiness and yearning which eventually leads them to vote for Democrats with similar attributes in the future to fill the vacuum, such as Bill "Bubba" Clinton...and Barack Hussein Obama, the time-tripping foreigner mastermind of his own diabolical rise. It's virtually indisputable!

3. Obama is not just an alien, he is an alien alien
This tantalizing theory effortlessly fuses the two previous ones by incorporating the federal government's baloney weather-balloon wreck cover-up of the Roswell UFO crash. It was most recently surreptitiously reported by a peyote-tripping, former-hippie-now-Republican shaman, living on the outskirts of the New Mexico desert, who courageously bore telepathic witness to the interstellar accident on July 8th, 1947.

Accordingly, the extraterrestrial who piloted the craft was allegedly drunk on some higher evolved, out-of-this-world intoxicant and overshot his mark (just outside of Kendu Bay, Kenya where he was supposed to rendezvous with you-know-who's pop pop--then 14 years old, a man by Kanyadhiang standards and fully in charge of his impending fate to discourage actual travel to the hunk of moon cheese at any cost).

Are you with me? Ok, so the Jews naturally were able to intercept him first, since (as everybody knows) they are the primary constituents of the all-powerful Illuminati and were alerted to this botched, haphazard, intergalactic first contact immediately through the secret rays they use to communicate with one another (which emanate from their hidden horns).

Now, while accidentally trying to feed their captive, sobered-up, space-traveling survivor, these Illuminati Jews soon learned of his severe revulsion to a particular dairy product (that they themselves don't normally eat with red meat, but for the most part enjoy like the rest of us).

Systematically exploiting this weakness to their advantage, they were not only able to pry into his ulterior motives for visiting earth with their secret mind-rays--to re-establish communication with his long-lost otherworldly brethren who were placed on this earth in the distant past to shepherd and rule over all of humanity (AKA Nobama's ancestors)--but gain the technological know-how to make time travel possible (which would be used at a later date in cahoots with an all too compliant Lee Harvey Oswald!).

However, what they didn't bank on (pun intended) was for the alien entity to be so darn charming. After mere weeks of regaling them with tales of his celestial hijinks, they couldn't stop fawning over him and eventually made him our de facto leader. Not really one for responsibility (he preferred boozing and getting high much like our most recent illegitimate, illiterate president) he eventually chose a little big-eared E.T. descendent (lacking a real U.S birth certificate) to be groomed as his heir for the future, letting humans fend for themselves from about 1981 to 2007 while he went on a massive bender. The rest is history.