Huffpost Comedy
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Warren Holstein Headshot

Top Ten Earmarks for Progressive Liberal Lefties

Posted: Updated:

1. 60 million dollars to re-fund Project Bluebook (UFO research) to determine which planet Republicans transported Sarah Palin and Bobby Jindal from (obviously space aliens trying to approximate human empathy and folksiness).

2. 200,000 dollars to off Rush. That breaks down to: 50,000 OxyContin; 1,000 orders of Domino's Cheesy Bread; 200 Havana cigars; 100 angry, underpaid illegal immigrant servants with a grudge; 4 infected tranny hookers; and 1 large African American male who sporadically jumps out in undisclosed dark alleys to frighten him. Any of which may lead to his most fortunate demise.

3. 300 million dollars to develop automobile prototype that runs on stem cells (Ford Fetus? Chrysler Le Zygote? GMC Blastula?). Pro-Choice=Pro-Environment.

4. 30 million bucks for Rod Blagojevich to take a powder (includes two million dollars for hairdo maintenance). Disappearing till the end of Biden's second presidential term when he reluctantly returns, after finally blowing all the cash, to participate in the Surreal Life Season 30.

5. 100 million dollars for the September 2010 Oliver Stone Project. Tentative titles: "Walking the Dog... at Abu Ghraib," "The Not-So-Great Pyramids," "Saving Mohammed's Privates".

6. 500 million dollars allocated to begin the process of adding Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn's faces to Mt. Rushmore. Sally Hemings' countenance will also eventually be displayed, though only as a locket around Jefferson's neck (might have to chisel a little bit off Washington's shoulder, but it can work).

7. Five more million for Volcano Research...for live human sacrifices. List includes: Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz (AKA "the Evil Trinity of Death and Destruction"). In order to see if offering their blackened, barely mortal souls may actually appease the gods. Either way, it's a win-win, just for sh*ts and giggles.

8. Five billion dollars to begin the nationalization of Whole Foods and/or Trader Joe's. So that the impoverished child in Cincinnati has access to the freshest, organic broccoli rabe and Oatmeal Cranberry Dunkers just like the rest of us.

9. 50 million dollars to study the effects of early-childhood acting trauma on endangered chimpanzees forced to live with the elderly.

10. 15 billion dollars to disprove the existence of "God" or any other version of divine entity, which has helped to fuel hatred, genocide and war. Establishing evolution as a Law might be handy (theories don't get the respect they used to; might as well be a lowly hypothesis we're talking about when dealing with these backwoods crackers). Also an anti-Faith pill, so people stop "Leaping" into la-la land (see Kierkegaard).