THE BLOG
03/31/2014 05:24 pm ET | Updated May 31, 2014

You're Almost Middle-Aged! Questions About Your Changing Body

What is middle age?

Middle age is the time when your body changes and becomes more like a Golden Girl.

When does middle age start?

It is normal for changes to start as early as 35 or as late as 60 if you are a sexy vampire. Middle age starts when your brain sends signals to certain parts of your body to just give it up already and prepare for your sad, slow march toward dinners at 4 p.m. and death. These signals are called "hormones."

What changes occur during middle age?

During Middle Age:

You grow shorter and gain weight.

Your hips may get wider or, in medical terms, you will suddenly have "more cushion for the pushin'."

Your hair begins to turn grey. Like, ALL of your hair. ALL of it. Yeah, you know what we mean, Silver Fox.

Your make a major leap in maturity and transition from "shy people pleaser" to "da b*tch who don't take no more damn sh*t."

How will my breasts change?

Your breasts may begin to sag. One breast may sag lower than the other. Don't worry, this is normal and it is called the "granite boulder in a tube sock effect." You may want to start wearing an "underwire" or "push up" bra. Finding the right size can be frustrating and embarrassing, but help is available. Look for a shop where the saleswomen are much older than you, and have European accents. Do vatever zey say.

Will middle age affect my skin?

In Middle Age, acne is caused by hormones. The skin produces oil in over-lubricated desperation just before going completely limp. Don't feel bad, it happens to everyone. However, it is never nice to call a middle-aged woman "Pizza Face," especially if her hearing is excellent. You may also notice fine lines, wrinkles, age spots and whatever the other seven signs of aging are that make you look like a featured extra on "The Walking Dead." If you are embarrassed by these changes, you can purchase "miracle creams" from 20-something women in lab coats who look like slutty doctors. Miracle creams are expensive because they have been blessed by Jesus. They are effective, in your imagination.

When will I begin to grow facial hair?

You may have noticed fine hairs growing on your upper lip and chin. This "peach fuzz" is normal. Later, this hair will become more noticeable. We call this "a full beard." You might choose to remove this hair, by plucking, waxing, shaving, threading, laser-ing, or sandblasting. If you do, don't worry, it will grow back in a few hours. Some middle-aged women ask a friend to help with their hair removal, if they should ever fall into a coma.

Why do they call It "middle age"?

You may notice that your lower abdomen or "middle" becomes more soft and pronounced than it used to be. You might even think you look pregnant. Others will think this, too, and it is OK to pistol whip them if they ask when you are due. If your new tummy bothers you, you can try wearing "Spanx," "shapewear" or an "XXXL Looney Toons t-shirt."

How often should I change my Poise Pad?

You may notice that your bladder begins to leak when you cough or sneeze. This means that you drank too many Diet Cokes and did not do enough Kegels after having a baby, you lazy moron. To avoid embarrassment, you can wear a Poise Pad. Change your pad whenever you have an hour of privacy and ample elbow room. You will need to get the pad in and out of your Spanx, because that mother will not fit through the pee hole.

What is Menopause?

Menopause is the time in a woman's life when her periods (menstruation) eventually stop and the body goes through changes so that she can no longer become pregnant. Once this happens, the woman will immediately set a daily DVR timer for Judge Judy and apply for a Chico's credit card.

Does Middle Age Cause Discomfort?

Middle age is painless unless you are listening to popular music. Popular music causes horrible headaches in those over the age of 40. It may also cause an overwhelming urge to lecture young people about the glory days when "music was actually good and not like this Pit Bull Rihanna shit that couldn't even find a damn melody if held at gunpoint." Middle aged people should never enter a Hollister store.

When Should I See My Doctor?

In middle age, you may feel very sad or angry, sometimes without a reason. Changes in your hormones can make you feel this way. So can the gradual death of your hopes and dreams and skin elasticity. Talk to your doctor. Do not lash out at your loved ones, because they will be selecting your long-term care facility.

What should I do if I have questions?

If you have any questions, do not be embarrassed. You can ask us anything once we reach middle age, which will not be any time soon, thank you very much.