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Wendi L. Adamek

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The Nature of Reality and the Long-Distance Relationship

Posted: 11/ 3/2011 6:01 pm

I'm about to get on a plane to see my partner. We are about as far apart as it is possible to be: He lives in London, and I'm in Sydney. We haven't seen each other in four months. Well, OK, we've seen each other virtually every day for four months. On Skype, of course.

A couple of weeks ago, I expressed a mostly sincere regret that I couldn't be there to help him cope with a tsunami of work. He said yes, that would be great (and a few other suggestions), but, he continued, the interesting thing about these separations is that we have to experience our relationship as intrinsic rather than instrumental. This is not love "because." Half the year, this is not love because of sex, entertainment or concrete contributions that ease (or add to) life's daily challenges. We live with wishful thinking, and talk about everything from God to malfunctioning plumbing to neurotic co-workers.

Then he compared the issue of intrinsic versus instrumental relationship to our ongoing discussion about immanence and transcendence, and this insight triggered one of his amazing flights of associative rationality. I tend to just sit back and enjoy the fireworks for a while before jumping right into the middle of them. To summarize a long and heated debate, he sees himself as a "theist" -- a non-atheist -- but this doesn't translate as belief in God in the conventional sense. I see myself as a Buddhist, but this doesn't translate as a belief in no-God. He's seeking to find rational means of reconciling the insights of scientific inquiry with an intuition of what he calls "Intent," which is transcendent origin and the point, in all senses, of return. I'm arguing for the immanence of ultimate reality not separate from the conditional. As the Heart SÅ«tra says, "Form is emptiness, emptiness is form." Or, "the world is no different from nirvÄṇa," (T. 1509, 25: 198a6) as discussed in the Dazhi du lun, the Chinese translation of the MahÄprajñÄpÄramitÄÅ›Ästra.

He argues ferociously for a lot of things (teleology, pure origins, transcendence) that I've been trained to view as suspiciously as a cat confronted with a carry-case. But there's a whiff of catnip about it, I admit. I argue for a lot of things that he, as a committed rationalist, feels compelled to pounce on and tear to shreds. He argues for synthesis and bridge-building. I point out that all forms of synthesis include an implicit dominant paradigm, and the point of bridges is not to meet in the middle but to end up on one side or the other. He argues that the point is to have a way to go back and forth.

To interact, we rely on the thinnest of bridges: the Internet. To be together, we incur the karma of the carbon footprint, what climate sociologist George Monbiot ("Heat") calls "love miles."

We are separate, but we are also that emergent non-thing, "relationship," that interdependently shapes who we are. Of course, I thrill to hear that our relationship is intrinsically meaningful, distance notwithstanding. Yet hi-tech is intrinsically not hi-touch. We know we're fooling ourselves if we imagine this virtual dance is immune to earth-bound laws of cause and effect. I once heard the Dalai Lama tackle a question about Internet ethics, and he said yes, even if the three poisons (attachment, aversion and ignorance) are virtual, they still have effect.

Our virtual attachments carry momentum as surely as our physical ones, because intention (for Buddhists) is the key threshold of agency that makes something into a karmically charged action. This is not "The Secret," it's right there in the open. Yes, our thoughts and intentions are connected with the forms that emerge. But the important point is not that if you have the right thoughts you get everything you want. The point is that every intention is connected to every other. Rickie Lee Jones sings in "Gravity," "I try to imagine another planet, another sun, where I don't look like me and everything I do matters."

Well, this is that planet. I'm getting on this plane and burning up these love miles. I'd like to say that I'm thinking about all the ways I can offset them. But mostly, I'm thinking ... well, never mind. Next stop, London.

 
 
 
 
 
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10:24 PM on 11/18/2011
Wow, what a melodramatic travelogue! "Where in the World is Wendi," or perhaps "Dr. and Ms. Adamek's Excellent Adventure." Such melodrama is really hard to do well, and Dr. Adamek pulls it off, with pseudo-Buddhistic panache. Brava! Bravissima! From the earlier post where she is resisting the siren call of the intimacy of the world -- just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not coming after you -- to voyages to Zen masters who read minds and live in distant mountains like "real" Zen masters, to the hot details of intellectualized intercourse, how lucky we are! We get to be voyeurs as Dr. Adamek plays at not-knowing. How non-Zen! How trite! Write Home E.T. Brava!
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Wendi L. Adamek
03:52 AM on 11/09/2011
Good morning! I just woke up, and the mushrooming of this thread made for fascinating reading (along with the great article on the proposed financial transaction tax -- if implemented, it would tax speculators more heavily than long-term investors.)

Back to this loka -- I was wondering, is there more than one person posting as HuffPostThinker? The "voice" is consistent, but in this comment the poster seems to refer to his/her earlier post as if it were unfamiliar: "(b) “emptiness­†refers to contained vacuum (apparently inquired about previously­)" (First, "emptiness" does not refer to contained vacuum.) But "vacuum" was something HuffPostThinker inquired about previously, and then uses the term "apparently" to refer to the earlier question?

In any case, these are all great questions from this singular or multiple poster. Unfortunately I don't have time to address each one, but I recommend a book by Tao Jiang, Contexts and Dialogue. He does a great job of comparing basic Buddhist approaches to mind, self, and emptiness issues, and then comparing them to Western perspectives. Also, of course, I would recommend meditation practice if that's at all interesting to you.

As for Jared -- I know you mean well, but you might be the first Buddhist fundamentalist I've ever encountered! I basically concur with your grasp of things and non-things, but for heaven's sake loosen up a bit . . . you appear to be hitting yourself over the head with your "raft" (expedient means). It looks painful.
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10:00 PM on 11/08/2011
Jared - Thank-you for the link to Rinpoche’s excellent article on ‘Unlocking Our Natural Wisdom and Compassion.’

You are very fortunate to be receiving excellent training from a qualified teacher in one of the most extensive and complete of the Buddhist schools.

And, I also agree with you that there are many ‘scholastically strong’ teachers out there who are un-realized in that which they teach.

However, I will also point out that even if you add together *all* of the realizations alluded to in the 30,000 volume Buddhist canon - they only total up to a lucid, unobstructed, non-attached, freely-functioning essence of mind…

…that might think about *anything* in the context of its circumstances…like the nature of reality and the long-distance relationship?…attachment, physical and virtual?…transcendence or immanence?…and skype and plane flights.

All from a parasol-shaded lounger on the peaceful terrace of the Dhamma - with a clear view of those below being tossed about in the river of Samsara - while typing an article and some comments on a laptop.

It could happen…
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Jared Keith Jones
your friendly neighborhood buddhist
07:17 PM on 11/07/2011
What drives you to put forward your own opinions and experiences as though they were in accordance with Buddhist thought? What you posit here cannot get anyone out of samsara. It has nothing to do with the nature of reality.. it simply has to do with your own samsaric experience of becoming excited, becoming sad, becoming attached, becoming averse, becoming indifferent - highly, highly conditioned by seeing yourself as inherently real and the person you are with as inherently real and the relationship between you as inherently real.

How scary it is to lose inherent happiness! ^_^
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Wendi L. Adamek
04:09 AM on 11/08/2011
Hmmmm. So . . . once again, who is getting all hot and bothered about this thread?
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Jared Keith Jones
your friendly neighborhood buddhist
07:46 AM on 11/08/2011
Respectfully, I'm annoyed because there is an overwhelming tendency on the part of Western Dharma students and scholars to think that every experience and thought they have is somehow actually the Dharma. Conventionally and practically speaking, the information you are giving people here has nothing to do with Buddhism or realizing the nature of emptiness within a long-distance relationship. You are talking with your long-distance boyfriend out of varied motivations and with no apparent engagement of deep levels of personal mindfulness and introspection, or awareness of the fundamental nature of reality.

I hesitate to point these things out because I don't know what your actual background is.. I'm assuming that you are a practicing Buddhist, but you could be a purely a respectful scholar. Whichever the case, what you are communicating here only vaguely represents any school of Buddhism I can think of. It's sort of like Zen or Chan but with no legs, arms, and guts.

The danger is, you will convince some beginner students that what you are talking about is Buddhist thought and practice. If you have some deeper experience, some profound training, some mindful awareness of your activities, etc.. Why not relate those in a way which can be useful to others? Simply relating your own opinions and experiences based upon self-other and emotional delusion does not provide assistance to anyone.
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Jared Keith Jones
your friendly neighborhood buddhist
08:04 PM on 11/06/2011
A Buddhist's perspective on long-distance relationships:

1. I'm currently in a long-distance relationship with someone living in Hong Kong, China.

2. Fully Alive. (Experiencing what is happening, but not what is NOT happening).

3. Nothing Extra. (No attachment, no aversion, no indifference, no expectation, no desire, no needs, no future events, no past events, no completely fantasized impossible existence).
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07:58 AM on 11/06/2011
two human beings
upright and in-dependent
can share any experience
as directly transcendent

when it comes to love and war
it's all practice
seeking right action
with no actor or actress

but love is superior
a beautiful thing
worthy of sharing
between hearts that sing

All love and blessings to you and your partner - have a great time in London!
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Wendi L. Adamek
03:02 PM on 11/06/2011
Thank you!! Lovely poem, thanks for posting . . .
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OtayPanky
You're welcome
12:38 PM on 11/05/2011
All things are marked by impermanence, but some things (like LDR's) are more marked than others.
02:55 PM on 11/04/2011
I offer the apparently obligatory mixed bag of congratulations and condolences that appear to be warranted for a relationship of the frustratingly long-distance variety. However, if of the “puts a nice edge on seeing you†long-distance variety, I offer solely congratulations.

Regarding God, I consider God to be unfathomably fantastic. I tend to leave much of the nuts and bolts of reality to Him but human perspective regarding the human experience appears to be an intriguing topic.

I welcome your thoughts.
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Wendi L. Adamek
04:55 AM on 11/05/2011
"Unfathomably fantastic" seems to me to be a perfect way to describe God and/as the nuts and bolts of reality.... And as you say, the human perspective on human experience of the unfathomably fantastic is and intriguing topic. I think it is generating quite a lot of the complexity and turmoil we're going through as a species. And this human capacity to experience beyond what is immediately given to the senses will probably continue to generate both beneficial growth and painful conflict for some time to come. The everlasting dilemma is, of course, suffering.... I welcome your thoughts.
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Jared Keith Jones
your friendly neighborhood buddhist
08:15 PM on 11/06/2011
God is an inherent imaginary father figure posited by those who believe in inherently existent things as a way to explain inherent human beings, an inherent world in which they live, the inherent objects and entities which populate that world, and the inherent creative process which "must have come from SOMEWHERE" that we see occurring around us from moment to moment, independent of perception and knowing.

The ontological impossibility of inherent existence and independence rules out such a creator being, such humans, such worlds, and such objects from ever, anywhere, and under any circumstance occurring. It surprises me that someone who has written two books on Zen still clings to the idea of an ultimate creator. This is further evidence that the Dharma has not touched down in America.

There is nothing transcendent about Buddhism. If you posit something spiritual, transcendent, a deep reality, a oneness, something magical, occult, causeless, the ground of all being, the essence from which all others arise, the inherent nothingness, the nothingness, the inherent void, the illusion of conventional reality, the truth of ultimate reality, etc. Then, you have not realized the correct meaning of Dharma, even conceptually. If you have not realized it conceptually, there is no possibility - none - that you will be able to hold that correct image of reality in your mind with single-pointed concentration and to attain the results of Buddhism.
09:59 AM on 11/07/2011
I think I understand the general perspective offered. However, I humbly submit for review the apparently reasonable hypothesis that human complexity and turmoil appear to be the result of differing human perspective aspects of reality that appear to not be humanly irrefutably provable, rather than specifically the unfathomable and/or the fantastic. An apparently, yet not necessarily (smile), relevant example is the apparently proverbial divorce over the direction that the leading edge of household paper towel rolls face. Examples appear to gradiently increase in complexity to include civil ethics and the existence of God.

I welcome your thoughts.
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Jared Keith Jones
your friendly neighborhood buddhist
01:24 PM on 11/08/2011
Hey, after seeing all your questions.. It's clear that you have a very technical mind.
It would benefit greatly from reading a few key texts related to Buddhism. These are resources which will not leave your technical mind wanting for more information:

"Calming the Mind"
"Understanding the Mind"
Pabongka Rinpoche's: "Liberation in Our Hands Vol 1-3"
Yangtsi Rinpoche's: "Practicing the Path"
"Zen in the Art of Archery"
Lama Tsongkhapa's: "Lamrim Chenmo Vol 1-3"
Nagarjuna: "Mulamadhyamikakika" commentary by J. Garfield
Lama Tsongkhapa's: "Ocean of Reasoning"

I would probably read them in that order.
05:55 PM on 11/08/2011
I am grateful for the clarification and for the reading material references.
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07:34 PM on 11/03/2011
Hey - beautiful article, again. I was going to suggest writing a post on the "razor's edge" and here it is, kind of. And then I realized that all of your writing is basically about the razor's edge because you ARE it. The whole "immanence of ultimate reality not separate from the conditional" thing. The challenge for me is...if I believe in an "ultimate reality," and I do, philosophically at least, but I don't have direct experiences (in the "conditional"), how do I know I'm not being delusional? Or is intent all that really matters? Anyway...enjoy LoNdon! ;-)
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Wendi L. Adamek
04:42 AM on 11/05/2011
PS I am!!!! (Enjoying London). Thank you!
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Wendi L. Adamek
03:00 PM on 11/06/2011
I think you've put your finger on the razor's edge of the question of experience. (Ouch!!) If you have direct experience of the ultimate in/as the conditional, then you tend to be regarded as "different" by the majority of the population. If you pursue your interest in the nature of reality philosophically (which to me means both intellectual inquiry and passionate devotion to understanding), then the most meaningful aspect of your life is considered by the majority to be "mere" belief or faith.

I think what is most helpful to be aware of delusion not as "what might be considered delusion," but as "what might block fuller awareness." After all, one can be pretty delusional just walking down the street -- automatically screening out most of sensory experience, projecting wildly, having a furious disagreement with someone in your head. For me, the challenge of the razor's edge is to try to be as open as I can stand to awareness, whether this appears as ultimate or conditional, really annoying or delightful.

My partner is always brandishing "Occam's razor" at me -- i.e. the explanation that depends on the least assumptions should be the default. But that's if you want to explain things (which admittedly is sometimes useful). I would say that direct experience and philosophical explanation come together in the succinct observation you made: "You ARE it."