"The cruelest lies are often told in silence." -- Robert Louis Stevenson
There is no bigger paradigm shift that a relationship experiences than in the aftermath of disclosing or discovering an affair. The betrayal cuts deep and shreds not only the trust between the couple, but often the ability to trust one's own judgment and the agreements that we believed defined our lives. Less than a third of all couples who encounter the experience, which is more than half of all of us, actually heal from the experience. Many couples never get beyond the initial crisis that the affair creates, choosing to leave the relationship with their wounds intact and the rest of the relationship in tatters.
Often this knee jerk response is a result of fear and ignorance. The pain and instability it creates feels all-consuming and we don't know how to navigate the process. Considering the prevalence of affairs, there has been little education about the process of recovery that can renew a relationship and even spark a whole new level of physical intimacy. Culturally we are trained to vilify the betrayal and rarely consider that the affair may not represent pathology in the relationship but rather be an essential wakeup call that offers an important opportunity to redefine and renegotiate what your monogamous relationship and commitments mean to each of you.
Dr. Tammy Nelson, author of Getting the Sex You Want, is leading the way on the research on affair recovery for her new book: The New Monogamy. In our recent interview, she shared: "Often affairs are like viruses, in that they are opportunistic and they feed on a part of oneself that is kept underground, unknown even to oneself. "
Affairs are one of the most important wake-up calls, too. But we don't have to always jump to our initial response of trashing the relationship from the moment of discovery. The recovery process is rich with the opportunity to really see aspects of your partner and depths in your relationship of which you were probably unaware. Processing the crisis requires establishing emotional safety and an agreement to not make any immediate decisions. It is a time that demands the courage to address the painful effects of the affair to the relationship while allowing the room for the volatile emotions that need venting. Because an affair is an erotic injury to the relationship, it has to be dealt with in the erotic lives of the partners. Reclaiming your sex life is critical to recovering from an affair.
Taking the steps to reconnect intimately can feel like pouring salt on an open cut. This is especially true if your attempts to understand the affair are demanding a full disclosure of events. The more time spent on the detective work of who, what, where and how the affair happened, the more painful will be the attempts to re-connect. Opening up and dealing with the insecurity and uncertainty of this fragile time can become quickly impossible if the meaning of what happened gets overrun with its details. Learning to ask for what you really need to know in your heart and not your mind is a big step towards discovering a path towards a newly defined relationship whether it be reconciliation or separation.
Successfully working through these painful passages depends on developing a whole new level of empathy. Empathy exists between people in the field out beyond right and wrong. It takes and holds both partners' experiences equally and creates a kinship of shared humanity. Asking questions that allow both partners to focus on why the affair happened and what it meant to each of them is an entirely different kind of discussion. Having the courage and curiosity to want to know what your partner learned about his or her self with someone else and what it felt like for them to feel like they were betraying you even as they had their own needs met is where a new intimacy can be born.
Beyond the guilt, shame and anger that classically defines the experience of infidelity lies an untapped depth of knowing another person's erotic needs and desires and being able to learn to reveal your own. It is rich with sexual energy that can actually reinvent the monogamous contract you are grieving. Seeking forgiveness or even granting it mentally or verbally will not end the affair; there will always be someone else in the bedroom until both partners re-engage intimately with a new shared understanding and agreement about the sharing of their erotic selves.
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But clothes do not fall off married people. You usually have to take them off your self. That should be enough zippers, buttons and elastic to stop for a second and say, "Hey! What the hell am I doing here?". After all, if your spouse can't trust you out of the house with your emotions and hormones, you can't trust yourself. So stop being married. If you loved him or her enough to take a vow of trust, love them one last time and break it off. Or walk away and love them again tomorrow. You may not get laid, but you will be a little bit proud of your self tomorrow and you will still deserve their love and trust. Marriage can be quite simple some times.
More often affairs are like, well, affairs. Unless preceded by a drunken binge, there is no wake up call. You are screwing around with some one whom you are not married to. A hat can fall off a table, but
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6 hours ago (3:15 PM) Why is it imperative to save a marriage or relationshÂip after infidelityÂ? I know I'll hear...it'Âs the children and it's too easy to walk away...blaÂh...blah..Â.blah.
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I cheated on my wife during our first year of marriage while she was 8 months pregnant. It was with her girlfriend and the situation couldn't have been more bad and caustic. I came clean and promised her that I would be faithful to her for the rest of our lives if she could find it in her to forgive me...It took about a year of cousel and talking a lot but she did finally forgive me. We just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary and are still as much in love as ever. YOU asked why is it imperative to save a marriage...because love has no bounds and when God can forgive you and your wife can forgive you and I could forgive myself, we had a new beginning. Thank God my wife didn't think like you.
Ha! ha!
And the only real way the marital relationship can be repaired and trust can be reestablished is for the cheater to understand this and work on his/her own issues that led him/her to do something so wrong. As long as the cheater continues to dodge blame by shifting it onto the marriage and/or the betrayed spouse there is no basis for true reconciliation and trust.
In other words, own your own shit. It's really that simple.
In my own person thoughts - if you lie to me, cheat on me, are deceptive in dealing with me...then you don't love me, you don't respect me and if I can't trust you...you don't need to be a part of my life. Just that simple.