Hello friends, this is Scoopji here, letting you know that I have had a spiritual breakthrough.
Perhaps it is due to the fact that I have been consuming massive amounts of a new herbal formula, "Chakra Decongestant." Or maybe it is because the battery on my meditation timer died and the bell didn't go off, causing me to enter into a blissful absorption for several days until my lotus finally went limp. But when I emerged from my altered state I found that my mystical third eye was permanently open -- and even though that condition keeps me awake at night, it has also allowed me to see into the future, and has enabled me to make the following perspicacious predictions for 2012.
Prediction number 1: In the year 2012, the European Union will announce that it will solve the Euro-zone debt crisis by selling Belgium. The EU decided on the sale after turning down a similar proposal to sell time-shares of the Italian province of Tuscany. So far, it looks like Donald Trump will be the highest bidder for Belgium, becoming the first person in the world to posses his own nation state.
Prediction number 2: The Republican party, after looking closely at its potential candidates will decide not to nominate anyone for president next year. Instead, citing their ideological determination to get rid of all government, the Republicans will begin to campaign for "Nobody" for president, reminding the American people, once again, that "Nobody is perfect" and "Nobody knows the trouble you've seen," and of course, "Nobody cares."
Prediction number 3: In the year 2012 the Occupy movement will decide to shut down business as usual in America by occupying all of the public restrooms. At great personal sacrifice, occupiers will sit for weeks at a time in the toilets of business and government buildings, restaurants and malls, making constant references to the stink of capitalism. All across the nation, the American people will be unable to relieve themselves, as protestors put into place on every restroom door the sign saying, "Occupied!"
Prediction number 4: Following on the Supreme Court decision that corporations are people too, the U.S. Senate will begin debating a bill called "The Defense of Mergers Act." However, unlike the debate over "The Defense of Marriage Act," conservatives and liberals will switch sides, with conservatives arguing that this is America, and a corporation person can merge with any other corporation person they choose. Liberals will continue to insist that gays are people too.
Prediction number 5: In 2012, the new Kepler space telescope will discover definitive proof that there is intelligent life on another planet. They will notice the shadow of one particular planet erratically orbiting a distant sun, and will realize that the shadow is actually spelling out a message, aimed toward the earth, reading, "Please, keep the noise down."
Prediction number 6: In an attempt to crack down on terrorism and general unruliness, in 2012 the Homeland Security Administration will announce a new screening procedure, declaring that anyone who wears a hat without a brim will be considered a terrorist suspect. The hats without brims include Arab kafiyas, Zapatista ski masks, Rastafarian skull caps, Jewish yarmulkes and the berets of artists and intellectuals. The government says that people who "do" have brims on their hats but wear those brims turned sideways or backwards are also suspect, but not in the same threat category as those who wear hats with no brims at all.
Prediction number 7: In the year 2012, the coffee and tea producing countries of the world will begin to organize an embargo against the United States. Modeling themselves after OPEC, the group will threaten to cut off the supply of coffee and tea, the other dark liquids that fuel the economic engine of America. The new organization of caffeine exporting nations, or CAPEX, say they will resume supplies of our daily fix, but only if we pay more, and promise to stop being such an international doofus.
Prediction number 8: In the year 2012, President Obama will announce that the United States is so deep in debt that in order to raise money, the nation will begin selling naming rights to anything, anywhere within it's borders, including both natural and man-made objects. The corporations will immediately begin the bidding, leading to the creation of the Budweiser Mississippi, the Wal-Mart Grand Canyon, and in Yellowstone National Park, the Old Faithful Viagra geyser. The announcement of the new names will be made from the Warren Buffet White House.
Prediction number 9: In the year 2012 several human clones will be created, but as the clones come to life, relatives will notice that they don't enjoy being around the person whose stem cells they were cloned from. It turns out that any new version of yourself would reject you.
Prediction number 10: In the year 2012, real estate agencies will begin buying and developing land around the arctic and Antarctic regions of the earth, as temperatures make human settlements at the poles likely in the next few decades. Plans are already being drawn up for the "Top of the World Motel 6," and the "Sheraton Polar Palace," where the hotel staff will all be dressed as penguins.
Prediction number 11: In the year 2012 scientists will once again change their minds, and conclude that the universe is contracting rather than expanding. The contraction theory will gain prominence after scientists discover some new particles in the universe that they are calling suck-inos. These suck-inos have suddenly emerged out of the quantum foam and are causing the universe to contract by "sucking in" the edges of space. Scientists are warning that if the contraction continues there will no longer be room for all of your stuff.
Prediction number 12: As predicted, on December 21st, 2012, at 11:11 AM, the 5,000-year-old Mayan Long Count Calendar will come to an end, and many believe that so will the world. People expect a massive sun flare, a reversal of earth's magnetic poles, a collision with a black hole, or a collision with a planet named "Nibiru." I am seeing that absolutely nothing will happen, that everything will go on as usual -- and that the collective sigh of relief will be almost as loud as the collective sigh of disappointment.
And finally, prediction number 13, for the year 2012: I am now seeing a fantastic phenomena -- a great international movement, ignited by the Arab Spring and the Wall Street occupation, now growing bigger and stronger, with progressive nation states and NGO's joining in, and young people and aging boomers and former revolutionaries and the tired old labor movement, and millions upon millions of people around the world who want to end the rule of the profiteers and oligarchs, and who understand that we must stop all our petty tribal wars and change our horrible habits of consumption, and come together as a species in peril. I am seeing this great movement of people who realize that it's time to focus our collective energy on finding ways to clean up the oceans and waterways, and control our population growth, and protect all species of life... but wait... this vision is fading... my third eye is closing... I can't see the outcome... I don't know what will happen... Could it be that the future is still wide open? Perhaps it all in our hands, my friends, waiting to be shaped by the passage of time and your good intentions.
And this is Scoopji, aka Scoop Nisker, once again reminding you to question authority and question reality. Stay high but keep your priorities straight. And in the year 2012, if you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
HuffPost Entertainment is your one-stop shop for celebrity news, hilarious late-night bits, industry and awards coverage and more — sent right to your inbox six days a week. Learn more