Frequently Asked Questions About The Iowa Caucuses

Q. A little help here. Exactly what are the Iowa Caucuses?
A. The Iowa Caucuses is a method of choosing a presidential nominee. Held every four years. Usually in Iowa.

Q. Why is it so important?
A. Number one in the batting order. Opening stanza of an epic poem. The recorded preamble to the Republican Nomination Symphony is over, and the citizen orchestra is about to play.

Q. What?
A. Gentlemen, start your engines.

Q. What precisely happens?
A. Nobody knows. The process is sort of like musical chairs without the chairs. And no music.

Q. How did all this get started?
A. It began with early Iowans throwing small round ruinish stones into hollowed out stumps, which were placed atop huge cast iron kettles brimming with pig entrails--- then the omens interpreted by a circle of community elders wearing ceremonial necklaces of hand-carved stringed chestnuts.

Q. And when did it transform into the current method?
A. Actually, it's still pretty much the same.

Q. How is a caucus different than a primary?
A. People don't vote in a caucus. They attend. Then huddle with like minded others in designated candidate corners, but if not enough people join your posse, your group is disbanded and everybody wanders around in search of a second or third choice. So supporters who corner the breath mint and deodorant market hold a huge advantage.

Q. Might there be worse ways in choosing a candidate than picking the one with the best smelling supporters?
A. Oh yes indeed. Look at North Korea.

Q. So, you are allowed to change your vote?
A. You are encouraged to, especially Jon Huntsman supporters.

Q. My good buddy Jon. How's he doing these days?
A. Little green around the gills. Polling around 1% with a margin of error of 4%. So he could very well end up owing Iowa a couple delegates.

Q. How believable are the polls?
A. Don't bet the farm. Iowans are a fierce stubborn people. They don't call them Buckeyes or Hawkeyes or Hoosiers or whatever they call them for nothing you know.

Q. What are you saying?
A. That folks in Iowa love to confound conventional wisdom by throwing in with the underdog. Can we say Ron Paul in a squeaker?

Q. Why Iowa?
A. Why not Iowa?

Q. No, I mean why does a state that Minnesotans make fun of get to go first?
A. Who do you want to go first: Louisiana? California? Texas? American Samoa?

Q. Your point being?
A. At least Iowa is representative.

Q. Of white people.
A. In the form of a question, please.

Q. Okay, how diverse is Iowa?
A. White, white, white, white, white, white, white. Whiter than a "Justin Bieber Christmas in Norway Special." Mashed potatoes on paper plates with a side of cauliflower white.

Q. And that's representative?
A. Of Republicans.

Q. Point taken. Who can participate?
A. Anybody who pre-registers as a Republican. And brings snacks.

Q. Does it cost anything to participate?
A. Just the tiniest piece of your soul.

Q. How are caucuses better than primaries?
A. Well, they're a whole lot more fun to say. Try it in a sentence: "I slipped on the ice and broke my caucuses."

Q. What happens in Iowa on January 4th when the circus packs up and moves to New Hampshire?
A. Iowa radio stations will stop screaming about treason and hypocrisy and go back to hog futures and herbicide ads, the way God intended.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances such as the finale of the XIXth annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show, Jan 1. 142 Throckmorton Theatre- 142throckmortontheatre.com- Mill Valley, CA 415.383.9600

 

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Comments

[CactusTom]

10:38 PM on 12/31/2011

Is Iowa where we keep the "real" American I keep hearing about? You know. Those folks who want to take the country back to somewhere?????????????

[WHATHA]

12:28 AM on 01/01/2012

True, but they also want to take it back from the Americans that the disagree with. I think they want to put them in camps with showers.

[PaulArt]

12:26 PM on 12/31/2011

If you look at the crowd that turns out its almost 99% White and 110% over 65. Their primary objective is to cut the deficit and make sure that the Federal Government has enough money to fund their Social Security and Medicare expenses till they join that heavenly chorus in the sky. Most everything else is fluff and window dressing. Seniors worry about the Deficit not so that the children do not have to be burdened with debt but to make sure there is enough money to buy them their artificial hips and Medicare Scooters and bypass surgeries.

[gutenmorgen]

01:30 PM on 12/31/2011

"If you look at the crowd that turns out its almost 99% White". That is the reason why Iowans who participate are known as "Caucasians", a short for"Caucasusians".

[PaulArt]

02:00 PM on 01/01/2012

First your etymology is flawed, please see my excerpt from the Dictionary below. Secondly even allowing for your definition are you saying that the Caucuses are only for Whites? What kind of triple flavored apple sauce is that?

1763, Amer.Eng., perhaps from caucauasu "counselor" in the Algonquian dialect of Virginia, or the Caucus Club of Boston, a 1760s social & political club whose name possibly derived from Mod.Gr. kaukos "drinking cup." Another candidate is caulker's (meeting). The verb is from 1850.

[AHMIowa]

09:54 AM on 12/31/2011

This may be cute - but the process he's describing is WRONG for the Republican caucus. The "standing around in groups" that he describes IS part of the Democratic Caucus in Iowa - but the Repubs just vote and go home (perhaps after some party administrative business).

Doesn't that show the difference in personalities right there? The Dem caucus is much more fun.

[PTAOfficerforObama]

09:13 PM on 12/30/2011

Iowa is more diverse than Vermont...

[stagebandman]

04:28 PM on 12/30/2011

Will, Will, Will. You are one of my favorites, really, but, as someone who was born and raised in Iowa, I gotta say, you're missing a few things. First, Iowa is actually pretty evenly divided, politically. I cannot remember a time when they did not have a senator from both parties (I grew thinking that was how every state did it). And as for diversity, yes, the state is very white, but even in my little town of 28,000 people, there were blacks, jews and middle easterners. The 80s saw a huge influx of "boat people", the refugees from Vietnam that were being sponsored as students, and today there is a HUGE population of hispanics, mostly brought up from Mexico when the meat packing plant broke the union. I believe you can find the same at any factory town in the midwest, and there are many, many such places in Iowa. Rurally, you're not gonna find many farmers who aren't of German ancestry, but they are the ones who founded the state. Plus, their colleges and universities draw students from every race and background.

Sorry for the diatribe, and please continue to skewer conventions as needed. This has just been building up for the last few weeks as everyone from the smartest comedians to the dumbest Foxicans have been making fun of my home state. I always say, if I could make a living as a musician in Iowa, I would move back in a heartbeat.

[PTAOfficerforObama]

09:17 PM on 12/30/2011

I concur. My son lives in CR and I have to say they have some excellent authentic Mexican food there. He also works for Rockwell Collins with many engineers from India and China. I shopped on Sat after Thanksgiving and thought crowds were very diverse.

[unitron]

04:07 AM on 12/31/2011

"...and today there is a HUGE population of hispanics, mostly brought up from Mexico when the meat packing plant broke the union."

But that plant was very careful to make sure each and every one of them were who they and their SS cards claimed them to be and that they and their families were all here legally, no matter how much more expensive it would have been for the plant, right?

[stagebandman]

11:53 AM on 12/31/2011

No, they didn't, which is why ICE has made a few sweeps in recent years. And, unfortunately, the drug connection from Mexico comes straight to Iowa. And that could be why my hometown has a majority of people living below the poverty level. I never said it was all kites and rainbows.