What You Need to Play
• Four taxpayers: One rich white guy wearing a Suit. Tie loosened. Two folks (any sex) wearing jeans, one in a Blue work shirt, the other in a Flannel shirt, and one person wearing clothes that look like they were dragged through the sluice chute of the Three Gorges Dam. Belt and shoelaces secured in a safe place.
• One shot glass per person. Everybody furnishes their own, placing it on a coffee table in front of the television. Suit gets to choose first among the assembled shot glasses for use during game. Blue shirt picks next, then Flannel shirt. Suit takes last shot glass as well, and Rags must arrange to rent it from him for the evening or drink out of own cupped hands.
• Everybody antes 10 bucks. Cash. Except Suit, who tosses in an I.O.U.
• One pot of Texas Chili, and a bowl of guacamole in middle of coffee table with Kettle Brand Salt & Fresh Ground Pepper Krinkle Cut™ chips nearby. If any players are women, they have to prepare and serve the chili and guacamole. Otherwise, buy some pre-made stuff at Costco.
• One bottle of bourbon.
• One stop watch.
• Old newspapers spread out on coffee table and in front of and on top of television.
• A large stash of beer in cans. Rags gets whatever is on sale, like Old Milwaukee Ice Dry Light. Suit gets whatever import he wants. Players in jeans get domestic, but must pay for all the beer, bourbon, chips and ingredients for the chili and guacamole.
Rules of the Game
1. Whenever George W uses the phrase "economic stimulus package," the last person to slap his/ her hand to their own forehead has to drink two shot glasses of beer. Every time the president says "make tax cuts permanent," everybody must drink a whole beer then throw the empties at the television. If a can hits the president's face, everyone else must drink one shot of beer.
2. Everytime George W talks about his deep- seated desire for "change," the last person to cough "Hack!" must drink three shots of beer.
3. If George W even attempts to pronounce the name of Iranian President Mahmoud Amadinejad, the first person to stop laughing is exempt from drinking three shots of beer.
4. Everytime Senators John McCain, Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama are shown in the audience, you have 30 seconds to throw a chip of guacamole at the television, and if anyone makes a chip beard on one of the candidates, everyone else has to drink five shots of beer.
5. Everytime George W refers to General Petreus, the last person to yell out "Surgin General!" has to drink two shots of beer.
6. The first time George W talks about a lasting peace in the Middle East, the last person to smash three tortilla chips on his forehead has to drink one shot of bourbon.
7. If the vice president or first lady are caught napping, last person to sing "Wake Up, Little Susie" has to drink two shots of beer. If Senator Robert Byrd is shown without drool running down his chin, Blue and Flannel drink two shots of beer.
8. Everybody drinks two shots of beer if President Bush mentions Pervez Musharaff. Three shots of beer if he mentions Benazir Bhutto. Four shots of bourbon if he mentions Osama bin Laden.
9. Whenever George W makes a reference to his faith getting him through tough times or the Bible, last person to fall to their knees and shout "Hallelujah!" has to drink two shots of beer.
10. Whenever George W talks about No Child Left Behind, take turns throwing chips of chili and guacamole at TV for 30 seconds. First person to cover an eye is exempt from drinking three shots of beer.
11. The first time George W mentions the tragic events of 9/11, the last person to eat one dollop of guacamole off a tortilla chip must drink three shots of beer. The second time he mentions the tragic events of 9/11, the last person to eat 1 dollop of chili off a tortilla chip must drink three shots of beer. Continue to alternate. If you mischip, drink two extra shots of beer.
12. Predict the number of applause breaks. After the speech, the closest to actual number doesn't have to drink two shots of bourbon.
13. Whenever George W smirks during a standing ovation, take turns drinking shots of beer until the audience sits down. Do it double time if his shoulders shake with silent laughter. If George W winks and points to someone in the audience, Suit has to drink out of beer-filled hands of Rags, who gets to dry his hands on Suit's jacket.
14. If George W uses a heartfelt story of a touching recovery experienced by one of our brave troops, Suit gets to kick everybody once. Twice, if the brave troop is a woman. Rags gets to kick the Suit if Bush reveals the subject of the anecdote to be in the audience. Twice, if the brave troop is sitting next to an astronaut. Four times if the astronaut is wearing a diaper.
15. If George W. Bush mentions alternative energy, the last person to pretend to faint has to drink three shots of beer.
EXTRAS
• Before the speech, everyone writes down who they think is giving the Democratic Rebuttal. Anybody who correctly identifies the person doesn't have to watch it. No Googling allowed.
• Suit takes home all the money.
• Leftover beer, chili and guacamole go home with Rags after he/she finishes washing the dishes.