THE BLOG
01/13/2012 04:30 pm ET Updated Mar 14, 2012

Southern Fried Vultures

Surely you're longing to hear some scathingly humorous remarks concerning the New
Hampshire primary. And it would be our honor to relate a few pithily amusing
jibes about 2012's primary primary. Only, sorry. Not going to happen. Can't be
done. NH is so... over and done with. Day before yesterday. Such archaic news,
you probably read about it in some ancient medium like a broadsheet gazette
with sepia-toned daguerreotypes.

Oh sure, in the distant future, historians may well remark upon Willard Mitt
Romney's romp. And what a righteous romp it was. With the grimacing refugee
from Madame Tussaud's Wax Works avenging his 2008 defeat to John McCain by
beating the rest of the field like a 4-year-old with a dime store drum on
Christmas morning to become the first Republican non-incumbent to sweep both
the Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire primary. And that plus 2-and-a-half
bucks gets you a cup of coffee.

Alas, the political circus has long since moved on. Some of the camps were gone
already. Didn't even bother to hang around Manchester for the actual count and
amount, so intent were they to seek their second wind in the warmth of the
southern embrace primary action in South Carolina on the 21st and Florida 10
days later.

Hustling down, over their shoulders, the back of the pack halfheartedly tried to dismiss
the former Massachusetts governor's triumph in the Granite State as a "Isn't it
Nice to See the Boy Next Door Doing so Well?" kind of neighborly thing. But that
proved a minor distraction and everyone knows the stakes for the final Anybody
But Mitt tent need to pitched now. Today. If not sooner. Deep into the fertile
soil of the Palmetto State.

This Southern Fried Maginot Line is the last best chance to jump on the Mittmeister
and the whole B-team is lacing up their steel-toed boots and pounding nails
into their soles as we speak. South Carolina is where Bush derailed McCain in
2000, and to say the above-the-belt tactics were outnumbered by those below the
belt is both accurate and lame.

To buttress his own personal Alamo, Newt Gingrich picked up 5 million dollars from
a single donor, to be funneled directly into ads to do to Romney what Romney
did to him in Iowa. Cover your eyes kids; this won't be pretty. The guy who
famously bragged, "I like to fire people," Mr. Bain Capital, is about to bump
up against an entire slate of candidates not to mention a state, that feels the
same way.

Not Newt himself, but Newt's Super PAC, which has absolutely no
connection to Newt. None. Whatsoever. At all. Totally separate entity. Super
PAC. Such a guy thing. "My Super PAC is bigger than your Super PAC." Super PAC
envy. And the candidate with the biggest Super PAC gets the girl.

Rick Perry has joined Gingrich in running a series of grisly ads assailing the
front-runner as a vulture capitalist, guaranteed to rile Willard up so bad his
talons will be itching for more carrion. And no, I'm not talking about Rick
Santorum. The ads are so vicious that if the Barack Obama re-election campaign
possessed an ounce of common human decency, they'd chip in a couple bucks. Then
again, maybe they are.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite
possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out
the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-
up performances. Or willdurst.com.


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