03/03/2009 02:08 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Iceman Cometh

It's been said that politics is Hollywood for ugly people, but it's become increasingly clear that it's also Hollywood for people that are no longer marketable in Hollywood. I speak of course about rumors that Val Kilmer is seriously considering a run for Governor of his home state of New Mexico, and in a country where two out of the three cast-members from Predator who ran for higher office were elected, we should not feign shock or surprise. See, I bet you didn't even know Sonny Landham--aka "Billy"--ran for both Governor of and State Senator from Kentucky as a Republican, and given that he's called for a genocide against "ragheads" on talk radio, and claims his personal disputes with the state's family court system as his only real "issue", I am shocked...that he wasn't elected.

This campaign commercial failed to inspire the people of Kentucky...

You might also be surprised to know that Sonny, like another famous 80s action star and sometime politico--got his start in the film business acting in several pornographic films in the 1970s, which is a nice segue into my other favorite item on the political hot stove, which is Louisiana senator, and diaper-fetish/prostitute enthusiast, David Vitter may face a reelection challenge from both Uber-Reich Wing "family" activist Tony Perkins, and porn-star Stormy Daniels. The contrast could not be better as Louisiana, and the rest of America, will face a choice between someone who has spent their career providing a valuable, decent, and honest public service and a Senator...who likes getting his ass-powdered and changed by high price call-girls. I'm all for the "Draft Stormy" movement, largely because a career in government would distract her from making such godawful, un-erotic, rote, and downright boring porn. Head to the Senate and leave the sweet, sweet smut and filth to more capable, cooler women. The presence of Tony Perkins should also be fun, considering that between a porn star and a John with tastes that are, how shall we say...decidedly non-vanilla, Perkins is probably the weirdest one. I mean, he works for an organization called the "Family Research Council", do we really need to imagine the kind of grotesque, Saturnalia that must go on in the head of someone who "researches" families for a career?

At the end of this typically peevish Nightline clip, where moral paragon Martin Bashir tries to get her to admit how horrible, humiliating and degrading her life is--as opposed to say, your average politician, or TV "journalist"-- Stormy says that because of what she does, she'll never be President. My dear, I wouldn't be so quick to abandon that dream. This is America, celebrity is power, and more and more so, in politics it's the only power that matters. Can you talk well in front of a camera? Do you have natural charisma? Are you good-looking? Is your name a well known brand? Do people identify with you as an ace fighter pilot? A cutting edge research-scientist? A rock-star turned secret agent? A rock star turned bloated joke? Or, even better, have you simply made those same people cum in their pants over and over again? Yes? Then you're already less degraded and more powerful than most politicians, why not go for the next logical step?