06/22/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

VP Biden Reveals Nuclear Launch Codes, Existence of Aliens

While speaking to reporters, a gaffe made by VP Biden may have accidentally distorted the space-time continuum.

WASHINGTON -- Long known for his penchant for verbal gaffes and slip-ups, Vice President Biden may have endangered national security as well as permanently altered the course of human history during the course of a freewheeling interview, where the VP seemed to accidentally reveal America's nuclear launch codes, something called the "Book of Secrets", and perhaps most consequentially the existence of a decades-long plot to conceal the colonization of Earth by extraterrestrial entities. What began as a casual luncheon with reporters, ended up having potentially world-shattering implications, due to VP Biden's loquacious personal style.

The apocalyptic revelations began as Biden was asked to discuss some of the changes in his life since he became Vice President. After sharing a long and themeless story about meeting with a waitress who lacked health insurance and then detailing what he had for breakfast, Biden said, "Well, I guess you learn a lot of new things when you switch to the Executive Branch. Like on my first day, this guy from the Pentagon, a good guy named Stan, a tall fella with a bunch of medals told me, 'Joe this suitcase has the controls to our Doomsday Device, and should the President be killed in an attack, you may have to retaliate. In which case just type: USA 1,2,3 into the control panel to access our nuclear arsenal.' That's all CAPS by the way."

When asked a follow-up question about his access to highly classified, top secret information, and whether he should be sharing it, Biden discussed the menu options aboard Air Force One and the time he visited a McDonald's in Kuwait, before claiming that as VP, he was given a copy of the "Book of Secrets," a volume that supposedly houses all of the clandestine projects and activities recorded throughout US history. "After they gave me the book, they took me into this dark room under the Pentagon, and my friend Charlie--I know Charlie from my days on the Judiciary committee when we'd go get a Reuben at Katie's Deli and I'd say, 'Chuck I can't confirm any more of your clones to serve on the bench,'" said Biden inadvertently revealing what he later described as a project to stack Federal District Courts with the fruits of a human cloning program. Biden continued, saying that he was made aware of the clones during his days in the Senate, but once he became VP, the man he called "Chuck" told him the clones were just one part of our government's collaboration with an alien species seeking to colonize our planet.

"He told me, 'Joe, the clones are just the half of it, aliens are real, they're here, we can't get rid of them, and now you're going to have to work with them, and I said, 'Chuck, I've had to work with Clintons and the Senate Republicans, this bug-eyed fella's got nothing on them!" When the room reacted nervously to news of what Biden referred to simply as "The Project," as well as his confirmation that the "harvest" has already begun, he attempted to walk back his earlier statements with an anecdote about the conductor on the Amtrak train he takes to his home in Delaware, and assured the audience that top government officials have already traveled back in time to remedy this situation. "It's like I've always told my twelve year old self, 'Joe, The Red Sox will eventually win another World Series, so just work hard and dream big, and anything is possible, even the defeat of our future alien overlords.'"