THE BLOG
11/02/2010 03:15 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Coffee Party Manifesto

The Coffee Party is alarmed that our discourse has been hijacked by Partys named after other Beverages. The Coffee Party is for all the reasonable people, which happens to be correlated with drinking good coffee.

Here is our manifesto:

1.The Coffee Party has had the privilege to meet people from many different creeds and races, and despises fear-mongering towards any one group.

2.The Coffee Party also hates xenophobia towards immigrants. We don't plan to vote for any candidate who first exploited an immigrant for nine years and now wants to deport her.

3.And ixnay on Yet Another Xenophobia aimed at particular trading partners, falsely blamed for our economic woes. The Coffee Party likes free trade -- how else are we going to get our Coffee?

4.While we're at it, we don't want homophobia or misogyny either.

5.The Coffee Party wishes the tax debate would also discuss whether we are getting our money's worth. We have a tax-bloated government here at Coffee Party HQ, so why did they cut the one government activity we actually find useful: subways?

6.Suppose you had to make an agonizing decision whether to endanger the mother of your child by going through with a pregnancy. Pick one: you and the mother should decide yourselves, or some Old Fart on a Bench or Legislature should decide for you. The Coffee Party does not consider this a difficult pick.

7.The Coffee Party wonders why all candidates from all parties have forgotten to mention that we are still waging war for reasons no longer clear, not to mention still violating civil liberties of both citizens and foreigners?

8.Speaking of wars, how about ending the war on drugs, which is so destructive to our inner cities and to the source countries? (link to Nick Kristof)]Wait a minute, we could even tax pot and restore subway service! (see 5)]

9.Oh yes, Development. Frankly, the candidates are doing so badly on our issues 1 through 8, the Coffee Party is not expecting much from them on Global Development. At this point, we would just ask them not to destroy industries in poor countries with some arbitrary trade policy decision.

10. Our country is based on the ideals that ALL "are by nature equally free and independent," and have "inalienable rights, among them life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," men and women, blacks and whites, gays and straights, immigrants and natives, Christians and Muslims, citizens and foreigners, rich and poor. The Coffee Party wants our country back.