The YouTube clip of Susan Boyle, the overnight singing sensation from the U.K., hit my office last week and everyone gathered around the only computer with speakers to watch what is by now the world's most popular ugly duckling story.
But not me. I continued reading the Huffington Post at my desk and muttered, "she's no Billie Holiday." Don't get me wrong, I know she's got a great voice--it just doesn't have a lot of soul.
"And why do they always sing Andrew Lloyd Webber?" I asked. "What's that song she's singing?"
"Andrew Lloyd Webber." I'm with Nora Ephron on this one, but it's not her choice of songs that makes me Mr. Rain On The Parade.
Maybe one of the millions upon millions of people who take shows like American Idol and Britain's Got Talent seriously can shed some light on this for me, but the programs just don't look all that spontaneous to me.
First of all, are there no auditions? Now, correct me if I'm wrong, (and I know you will), but wouldn't there be a step between showing up at the cattle call and being one of a handful of finalists on TV? Or did Susan Boyle first sing to a computer in a soundproof room?
Was there no buzz in the TV production office about this unlikely singing sensation? No excited meetings, no recognition of the ratings a carefully constructed melodrama could bring?
Hmmm....let me think about how network television operates. Unsupervised chaos is the preferred format; basically, executives would like to give all prime-time programming to the Marx Brothers.
They don't? But how do you explain all the "reality TV" shows--I mean, how can you script real life?
It's not like you go into a political debate with a list of pre-tested slogans and rehearsed answers...or go to a professional wrestling match if you think it's faked...I mean, you don't buy a Britney Spears record if her voice has been thoroughly digitized and improved in the studio...oh never mind.
This is where people call "producers" step in. In the case of Susan Boyle, it's likely that after she passed the first round of elimination with a show-stopping performance, the producers went into overdrive getting ready for her big prime-time debut.
I suppose it's theoretically possible that the show's "judges," (who display a depth of wit and expertise not seen on TV since "The Hollywood Squares") are kept in isolation while the rest of the floor savors their upcoming hit, but I know a few things about entertainment stars. They're so intellectually curious, they like to always be in the know. Wait, that's not right either.
But it is true that they don't like not being in the know. They have to be in on the joke, the gossip, the buzz. I'll concede that they may not have heard an actual tape before the taping--but were the judges not aware that this show was going to be something special?
Watch the clip again--and look for signs of false spontaneity. Tell me if I'm wrong. Or please, embarrass me in front of all these people and tell me the inside scoop on how these shows protect anyone connected with them from knowing what's going on on a day to day basis.
Well, I guess that part is possible. I mean, there were a lot of people in the Bush administration who needed jobs...