11 Not-So-Harsh Interrogation Tactics

Make it sound like there's a really great party going on in next interrogation room. Have interrogator act all surprised, like, "Oh, were you not invited?"
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Good for use in Iraq, Afghanistan, Guantanamo, and any number of secret CIA prisoner sites....

  1. Replace regular showerheads with super-low-pressure eco-friendly showerheads. Pretend old showerheads have to be ordered from factory in Tucson.

  • Play cassette tape of Telephone Line by Electric Light Orchestra. Stop tape before chorus.
  • Make it sound like there's a really great party going on in next interrogation room. Have interrogator act all surprised, like, "Oh, were you not invited?"
  • Hook up detainee's cell with shitty Wi-Fi. Disconnect Wi-Fi. Force detainee to leech off adjacent cell's Wi-Fi while they wait for Wi-Fi repairman.
  • Offer to loan detainee VHS copy of Tootsie, tape over last twenty minutes with 2002 Grammy Awards coverage.
  • Stock interrogation room mini-fridge with Vitamin Waters. Make some arbitrary rule about how they're for "interrogators only."
  • Leave just a little bit of toilet paper in bathroom so detainee has to open bathroom door with foot and yell for somebody to bring new roll.
  • Two words: Evan Almighty.
  • Convince detainee to stay out and continue drinking at bar even though he knows he has a big interrogation in the morning.
  • Schedule February interrogation during Lost.
  • Silent treatment.

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