11 Not-So-Harsh Interrogation Tactics

Good for use in Iraq, Afghanistan, Guantanamo, and any number of secret CIA prisoner sites....

1. Replace regular showerheads with super-low-pressure eco-friendly showerheads. Pretend old showerheads have to be ordered from factory in Tucson.
2. Play cassette tape of Telephone Line by Electric Light Orchestra. Stop tape before chorus.
3. Make it sound like there's a really great party going on in next interrogation room. Have interrogator act all surprised, like, "Oh, were you not invited?"
4. Hook up detainee's cell with shitty Wi-Fi. Disconnect Wi-Fi. Force detainee to leech off adjacent cell's Wi-Fi while they wait for Wi-Fi repairman.
5. Offer to loan detainee VHS copy of Tootsie, tape over last twenty minutes with 2002 Grammy Awards coverage.
6. Stock interrogation room mini-fridge with Vitamin Waters. Make some arbitrary rule about how they're for "interrogators only."
7. Leave just a little bit of toilet paper in bathroom so detainee has to open bathroom door with foot and yell for somebody to bring new roll.
8. Two words: Evan Almighty.
9. Convince detainee to stay out and continue drinking at bar even though he knows he has a big interrogation in the morning.
10. Schedule February interrogation during Lost.
11. Silent treatment.

William Tracy blogs for just-launched 236.com, where this post originally appeared.

Comments

[ufcfanvt]

Holy Crap! A solution from a liberal on this topic!!! Most just spout off something about the Geneva Convention (name, rank, and serial # ONLY!!!) and then get mad.
Please, spread the word and come up w/ some more solutions and maybe someone will vote for a President from your party. I personally would feel pretty bad for getting beat by an idiot like Bush 43 twice!!!

[Circe]

A steady musical diet of Celine Dion.

[realpolitic]

Give detainee really slow dial-up internet connection. So everytime he tries to download something it takes forever and he gets disconnected. Then he will talk and name names.

[El]

Am I the only one who thinks this is no laughing matter?

[Joe1991]

forced to wear "code pink" T-shirts

serve lukewarm Near-Beer and stale cheetos

give them 1,000 piece "cute kitten" jigsaw puzzles with one missing piece.

Cable tv with two channels, one is the Oxygen women's network, the other is all Japanese game shows.

given box of chocolates on Valentines day, but "good" pieces all taken.

[naschkatze]

Number 11 was my mother's favorite.

[Pippen]

Torture isn't uniquely American. Trying to find a public restroom in Turkey can be a nightmare until you do and then it's a horror. A horror. the horror.

[chitown1985]

Have them watch Nancy Grace over and over and over! Note this may be banned under the Geneva Convention

[lisakaz]

Love the ELO reference.

[msfiskvletterman]

11/10/07
10:07am
Burlington Library

Hire bad actors to impersonate the detainee and get her into trouble.

[KikoLora]

Jees, just force the male detainees to WATCH Oprah

[sparkandy]

Make them watch TV programs, with only about two minutes of program per 30 minutes, and the rest of the time is car lot commercials. In Tulsa, there's one by a girl named Kristen Glover that would have them confessing to ANYTHING just to shut her up.

[TakeSake]

In order of harshness:
1) Tell them, "Mark Foley is next, and is he going to take care of you!"

2) Tell them, "Larry Craig is next, and is he going to take care of you!"

3) Tell them, "David Vitter is next, and you have to take care of him!"

[cognate]

"Leave just a little bit of toilet paper in bathroom so detainee has to open bathroom door with foot and yell for somebody to bring new roll."

Your innocence shows. Itchy unwiped assholes are right up there with sleep deprivation.

[kellygrrrl]

"Force them to watch stock footage of Bush Family parties."