No one walks down the aisle on their wedding day with visions of their future divorce dancing in their heads, but statistics show separation is inevitable for some couples. This is especially true for the ones who get hitched young. Before age 32, each additional year you wait to get married can reduce the risk of divorce by 11 percent, according to data from Nicholas H. Wolfinger, a professor of Family and Consumer Studies and adjunct professor of Sociology at the University of Utah. But what about people who do actually have to go through the whole young-and-divorced thing?
Here, five women share what they learned in the process and the advice they'd give to anyone in their shoes.
Nicole K.
"I’m 26 and a soon-to-be divorcée. I never expected to be in this position. I got married at 23, after discovering I was pregnant. What I thought was going to be my whirlwind happy ending ended up being referred to as ‘the wedding you suckered me into.’ Perhaps what was most hurtful was the idea that this was happening with someone I thought I loved, and who I thought loved me.
I started to realize that no one has the ability to make me feel less than what I’m worth. It doesn't matter who you are, you are not better than any one. If there is one thing I’ve learned from this, in the words of Maya Angelou, ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.’ These signs were visible, I just chose to be ignorant.
"Perhaps what was most hurtful was the idea that this was happening with someone I thought I loved, and who I thought loved me."
That voice in your head? Listen to it. Don't think, ‘Oh, he’ll change,’ because no, he won't. I don't think this makes me jaded. I still have complete trust in my gut and judgment, I just made a bad call. I won't generalize every other man based on my ex, because they aren't all the same. He was a bad apple I bit into from a bad tree. Eventually, that bitter taste starts to linger, then it becomes completely sour until you can't deal with it anymore. Spit it out. Let it go. You can do this."
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Regina B.
"I was married to my ex-husband for four years. We got divorced when I was 27 because he wasn’t honest about money. The impact my divorce had on my self-esteem was impressive! My first reaction was, f*ck yeah! I did it! I’m still young, I have no kids, and I’m free! That might have shown, because I had men crawling at my feet, taking me out to fancy restaurants, buying me stuff, calling me, and texting me to say how beautiful I was. I must say it was pretty awesome. My security in myself definitely attracted these men, but I was sure I didn't want to get married again and go through the same thing.
I knew I had to do something for myself, so I sold the car my ex had given me and took a backpack Euro trip. Alone in those old cities, I re-discovered myself, loved myself, and when I least expected it, met the person I call my husband today.
"My first reaction was, f*ck yeah! I did it!"
To the girls out there going through the same thing, I'm not saying that taking a trip is the answer, but find something that fills you with excitement and accomplishment. Something that will make you say, ‘I f*cking did it, and that's why I'm awesome.’ Most of all, love yourself. If you don’t, you'll drag what hurt you in the past to the present."
Shan W.
"I was 24 years old when I married, and I thought it would last forever. Three years later my husband announced, while I was in the shower, that he was leaving. I assumed it was for the day. He explain that it was for good, and it was for another woman. He said there was $200 in the bank, a half a dozen eggs in the fridge, and I could keep the crappy pressed wood furniture. I had no car, no job, and no family. I felt tossed aside like a dirty dish rag, with little or no worth.
Eventually, I got a car, a job where I worked my way up to a nice living, and put my life together better than it was before. My lesson learned is to never allow another person to define your value or worth. You are capable of so much more than you think you are."
Gloria Y.
"I was married to my high school sweetheart for almost six years, but we grew to be radically different people. Because we’d held on to each other for so long, it seemed weird to even talk about breaking up. We subconsciously tried doing things to keep the spark alive, like adopting a dog, watching movies together, or at least spending time in the same room. We stopped even talking to each other aside from coordinating the dog’s walking schedule.
I eventually found out that he had been planning a trip to Asia to meet a girl who worked in his company’s office out there, and that he’d been sending money overseas. We fought for a day, but once I had confirmation that there was someone else, I was 100 percent relieved to be done with the relationship. It was an out for me to finally do everything I’ve ever wanted to do. I promptly made plans to move to New York City, switch careers, and learn how to be my bad-ass self.
It took me over a year to be comfortable dating, as my self-esteem took a dive. I thought perhaps I wasn’t pretty enough, that there was something wrong with my personality, and that maybe I really should take up cleaning and cooking if I were to ever be ‘lucky’ enough to find a man. Maybe I was too selfish in pursuing my own interests, and that’s why I was dumped over someone else. And perhaps I’m just "not woman enough" to keep a husband.
"I promptly made plans to move to New York City, switch careers, and learn how to be my bad-ass self."
Once I did start meeting men, it was definitely more on the physical side than anything else. Initially I would become emotionally invested in every single guy that I slept with, and I was always looking for something more. But I pulled myself out of that and enjoyed meaningless sex for what it was. It sometimes feels liberating to play the role of a seductress!
Four years later I am still single, but it’s because I know exactly what type of man I want to be with, and there’s no need to settle for anything less. I’m happy Netflixing and chilling solo on Friday nights! Sure, I still love to flirt and bat my lashes randomly, but until the right man comes along, it’s just me!
The best part about all of this is that I really was able to find myself. I achieved my personal and professional dreams because I let go of a shitty safety rope. I can do so many fun things by myself without getting anyone else’s permission. And I also finally learned what it means to have self-respect and to love myself."
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Joelle Caputa, author of Trash the Dress: Stories of Celebrating Divorce in Your 20s
"My ex-husband and I met when I was 25 and working at Starbucks. He wanted to eventually get married, but I really pushed things along. I wanted to be married and have kids. Whereas I had clearly defined career and life goals I was working towards, my ex-husband was still figuring out what he wanted in life. I thought marriage would change things and once we were settled, everything would fall into place, so we got married when I was 27. He was very unhappy and quit a lot of jobs, which left me with the financial pressure. Then, he decided that he never wanted to have kids (it was a mistake on my part to think I could change his on-the-fence mind). My goal in life has always been to become a mom. I knew it was over, and there was nothing else worth working on. We got divorced when I was 28, and I’m now happily remarried and have a one-year-old daughter.
I felt like I was the only 20-something divorced person on the planet. It’s so embarrassing at first. I had faith about love and that I would meet someone else, but I worried that I would be too old to have kids by the time that happened.
"I knew it was over, and there was nothing else worth working on."
My marriage was long over before I even moved out, so I began dating again fairly quickly. At first, I had to adjust to the new ways of dating (texting wasn’t really a thing when I was dating my ex-husband), getting used to meeting new people, and the crush when things didn’t work out. I learned that in relationships, a couple needs to address issues head-on, as they happen. Also, that a relationship involves two people. There shouldn’t be one person calling all the shots or pulling all the weight.
For any 20-something going through divorce, consider it your new lease on life. It’s not the end of your life, it’s just the end of life as you know it. And that can be an amazing thing! Fate has a bigger plan in store for you. Sometimes things fall apart so everything can fall into place. It sounds like a Pinterest quote, but it’s true. I believe that the universe will create change if things are not benefiting your world. It will ultimately lead you to where you’re supposed to be. The journey may be difficult, but you’ll get through it.
"I learned that in relationships, a couple needs to address issues head-on, as they happen."
Reach out to support groups, like the Trash the Dress private Facebook group. You’ll be united with hundreds of other women around the world facing the same issues—whether you had to move back home with your parents, faced domestic violence, found out your husband cheated on you, or simply chose to leave your marriage. You’re not alone, and you’ll get through it with a little help from others who have been there and conquered the situation.
Use this time to reconnect with yourself. Dive into your passions, explore new hobbies, chase your dreams, and make a plan to accomplish your goals. Everything else will fall into place. Also, don’t put so much pressure on yourself to jump into another relationship and settle for something just because you want to get back to your previous status.
"You’re not alone, and you’ll get through it with a little help from others who have been there and conquered the situation."
You’re divorced, not broken. Take pride in your status. There are many people who are stuck in unhappy marriages because they don’t have the courage to uproot their lives and start over. If you did it, you are an inspiring force! You should celebrate your strength and all that you have to offer the world. Have a divorce party, go traveling with your best girlfriends, trash your wedding dress in a glamorous photo shoot, change your hairstyle. Do something that makes you feel alive. And live your life to its fullest!”
By: Zahra Barnes
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