I know what you're thinking. "Great. Another woodchuck with a blog."
To be honest, when I was presented with this opportunity I was a bit on the cynical side myself. "Let's just say," I said to my coworkers one evening, "hypothetically speaking, that I didn't know what a blog is. How would you describe it to me?" Jerry, the skunk who directs my nightly broadcast, said blogs are like transcripts of divorce court proceedings with more bile and fewer happy endings. I can understand the appeal, but it's not really my thing.
Still, it's always nice to conquer new media, and it will probably pay to get in on the ground floor of this internet thing before it really takes off. So here I am. And really, who better? Sure, there are other woodchucks out there on the net, jacking into the matrix and whatnot, but most of them get their info from my show. Why settle for secondhand news? Do any of them have my connections? My command of the language? My mellifluous speaking voice? You'll have to imagine that last one, but it gives me an edge. A blog is just a TelePrompTer script that I don't have to bother reading out loud.
Unlike most of these "bloggers," to coin a phrase, I don't own a computer. I do all my "blogging" the old-fashioned way: on a manual typewriter from the comfort of my home office. I think it will lend the whole process an air of authenticity. It puts me in the mindset of the glory days of journalism: one woodchuck in a smoky room, pounding uncomfortable truths into endless sheets of onionskin. I wasn't actually around for that era, but I admire it greatly.
There's another aspect of this blog that gets my tail thumping. When I'm on the air, I'm at the mercy of the director, the copywriters, the advertisers, and the other animals on the show. We cover global news for a global audience. There's no way I can do justice to the news in the time we have. I'm expected to present the facts as sonorously as I can and move on to the next story. I don't have time to give important stories the coverage they deserve. But in a blog, I can spend thousands and thousands of words talking about Warthog Estrus Weekend. For instance. And I very well may! Rather than charging straight at the story, I can dance around it. Not to toot my own horn, but I think that will be a rather unexpected and innovative approach from a broadcast news professional.
Obviously my job brings me into contact with many luminaries and public figures, including several from the world of politics. As we approach election year, I feel it's only appropriate to step outside the usual role of ambivalent newscaster and tell you not only what I know about the candidates and their platforms, but what I feel about them as well. Perhaps some of you will complain that journalists ought to keep their opinions to themselves and strive to remain unbiased. If you don't like it, go back to your feed bag and keep swallowing what the rest of the media is spoon-feeding you. Because they're doing the same thing. They're just not as honest about it.
Whoops! Did I say that? That's the kind of no-holds-barred candor you can expect from the blog of Woodchuck Chumley. I suppose the one exception would be public figures who are big and strong enough to actually maul and/or eat me. In those cases I may opt for a more between-the-lines approach. When you read about the poodle running a cockfighting ring, you know exactly who I'm talking about even if I don't say "BonBon the poodle." I only feel comfortable saying it now because I know that poodle's going down for a long time. I'm not going to another catty flibbertigibbet. I'm not going to ask whether a polar bear really is "too white." If you want that stuff, there's a springbok with a gossip blog you should check out. I'm sticking to the important stuff. Like Warthog Estrus Weekend. Gonna be a dilly this year. Hoo boy.
In summary: welcome to my blog. This is Woodchuck Chumley, signing off.
