This past weekend, as I was leaving the shopping mall near my apartment, I overheard a man tell his son and daughter that they needed to rush home for dinner because, "We don't want mommy to get really upset."
For the record, the guy seemed like a kind and gentle father. And I've heard men make comments like his plenty of times. In the past, I always thought, "Well at least they are respectful enough to know what their wife or girlfriend needs. At least they are making an attempt."
But as I watched him and his children run off, it occurred to me that a very small, seemingly innocuous sentence could really place an incredible amount of weight on kids.
I don't know this man and I don't know what he truly intended with his comment, but what he said to his children reminded me of a wider cultural habit: we tend to take action to placate a woman's potential unhappiness rather than taking action to show her respect and love.
When we say something like, "Mommy will get really upset," we are in danger of teaching our kids to do something respectful, like being on-time, as a way to avoid a reaction.
Think about it. How many times have you said to someone, "I have to go, she's gonna rip my head off if I'm not on time for dinner."
Can you imagine if your daughter would say that about her boyfriend or husband?
"If I'm not on time, John is going to rip my head off."
You would assume she is being emotionally or physically abused.
So why are we setting such an example for our sons?
Instead of doing things to honor the women in our lives, we are conditioning our kids to have basic, respectful behavior to avoid potential anger.
But this claim isn't simply about our kids being on time to dinner. This is about asking ourselves a serious question: what is our motivation for our actions?
When you buy an anniversary present for your wife or girlfriend, do you do it because you love her and want to honor the day she came into your life? Or do you do it so she won't "flip out?"
Do you show up to an important event for your wife or girlfriend because you're proud of her and want to stand by her side? Or, are you showing up because you told your friends "there's no way I'm getting out of this one, she'll be so pissed if I'm not there."
I'm not saying you don't love the woman in your life. I'm just asking you to assess your motivation for the things you do for them.
At the end of the day, priority lies in what your kids learn from you, how they perceive your motivations.
You'll be making a big mistake if you think that this issue is too nuanced for them to understand. You might luck out, but chances are, your kids will adopt your behavior and your reasoning.
Is it worth the risk?
I have no doubt that most men are not intentionally taking actions to placate, instead of respecting, their women. And I also know that most men wouldn't want their kids to think and act this way.
But if you're reading this story and think I am overreacting and parsing words, I want you to do one thing: take a look at your children.
Do you want your son to think that all women do is nag, complain, and flip out? Do you want them to think that normal, courteous behavior like being punctual or showing respect are only tools for appeasing a hysterical woman?
What about your daughter? Do you want her to believe she can gain respect and admiration from others because of who she is and what she does? Or do you want her to think the only way for her to ever get noticed is through anger and/or hysteria?
If you answered "no," then you just need to remember one thing.
Next time you are rushing to get home with your kids and they ask why, all you have to say is, "Because we love mommy."
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How to treat a women with respect | eHow.com
Women never do that to their husbands or boyfriends.
I find some of the comments interesting but disheartening in some cases. Does everything have to have some deeply negative, hateful, Freudian connotation for those of you interpreting this in a purely negative light? Do you go through life this suspicious of every innocuous comment?
I understand the articles point, that words matter, but c'mon people.
My (divorcing) wife has anger management issues.
My daughters experienced that for themselves and as they got older they would caution/coach me and sometimes each other -- "mommy is going to be mad".
Children figure out what is going on regardless of how you try to "spin" it.
Of course you want to be polite and model love and kindness for your children. But your children will notice if you are inauthentic/phony or don't seem to be grasping reality.
I would argue, as the disorganized and chronically late woman/mother/wife that I am, that all you have to say is "Because we promised we'd be there by a certain time, and it's rude/inconsiderate/irresponsible/bad manners not to do what we said we would do." It IS disrespectful to paint the responsible, on-time parent as the bad guy...I know, because I am guilty of this, also: "Your dad is gonna be mad that we're late again." What does Daddy, in my example, or Mommy, in the author's example, have to do with not being late? What does gender have to do with teaching basic social values such as punctuality, consideration, responsibility, time management, accountability? Kids (people of all ages, in fact) should be taught that if we're running late, then we must hurry (within reason, of course...don't drive recklessly, for example) . Why? Simply because it is rude to be late. It's rude whether the person you're late for is someone you love or someone you barely know. And rudeness will not be tolerated. End of lesson.
This issue is a two-sided coin, to use the common phrase, though really I think it is a no-sided and infinitely-surfaced sphere. Men absolutely presume women to be naggers and whiners, and therefore treat them as such. As a result, women often do act that way...but is it because of any sort of innate programming, or because of social conditioning? If that man had a son and a daughter with him when he said that, the son would certainly walk away more likely to expect hysterical behavior from a woman. The daughter, however, would come away from it EXPECTING to be pacified like upset babies.
I personally grew up with parents who were equally agressive or concessible as a situation demanded, and so I was lucky enough to escape the cycle. I will admit to occasionally being guilty of the type of behavior most often associated with women's irrationality, but only in situations in which the other person recognizes my ability to think rationally, and who realizes that I am actually just joking.
You can find examples of this in the workplace, between a boss and his/her subordinates. You can find it between a driver and a highway patrol officer with a radar gun. You can find it with children and their teachers/school administrators.
I think culturally our children are trained in this way on multiple fronts. It's built into our legal system, it's built into our educational system, and clearly it happens at home. Does it result in the disrespect of women? Certainly. Does it do so disproportionately relative to men or any other meaningful group (to a statistically significant degree)? Probably not.
I woman can slaughter her whole family and therapists and feminists will hunt high and dry for anyone else to blame for her actions except her.
There have been reports of male bosses hiring married women specifically because they think they'll have to pay them less - the husband is supposed to bring home the bacon, after all.
And why is it that, while about one in every four women will be raped in her lifetime, while only one in sixteen rapists will ever spend a day in jail, even if a victim can identify the perpetrator by name?
I could go on and on, but I'm tired and these are the first issues that come to mind.
When women do it, they are just responding to patriarchal oppression with Goddess rage against the phallocracy.
Thanks for the reminder that I should be more careful.