The past year has been a well documented shit show. We lost an incredible amount of celebrities, civilians, and ultimately, hope for the future. The world is still reeling from the effects of isolationism with Brexit, and the apparent rise of Fascism under Donald Trump. If we're being honest, we're worried. Like really worried. So, heading into the new year, we decided it would be best to embrace the chaos by making a bucket list of things to do before the impending apocalypse.
Get an IUD: Seriously. Women are rushing to get IUDs implanted because there are legitimate fears that Trump's administration will limit access to reproductive health services. We've already seen Ohio limit the amount of time a woman can be pregnant before an abortion becomes "inappropriate". IUDs tend to last 6 to 12 years, meaning it can cover you for the duration of Trump's presidency, assuming he's not impeached before his first term ends. Once it's in, even Trump can't take it out.
Take advantage of Obamacare: Over the past few weeks the Republican plan to repeal Obamacare is coming closer to reality. This means many Americans are in danger of losing their health insurance, and probably won't be able to afford big hospital bills anytime soon. You should probably cash in on affordable health care while you can. So this Christmas would be the best time to send that racist uncle of yours to suplex city.
Register as a Muslim: We're at the height of islamophobia in America, with threats to register, profile and possibly deport all Muslim immigrants. It's a terrifying time to exist as an immigrant of any sort in America, and now is the time to stand in solidarity, to prove not everyone is a racist asshole. Take the advice from Trevor Noah, and if they start registering Muslims in America, we all register as Muslims. Makes sense, doesn't it? They can't deport all of us. And if they do, just head on up to Canada.
Get gay married: Mike Pence, a man who believes in gay conversion therapy (sigh), is the Vice President. Gay rights are likely to move backward in 2017 despite huge steps forward in recent years on a wide range of LGBTQ+ related issues. Even if you're not gay, you should take this chance to get gay married before you can't. There's no real risk involved because divorce will always be legal. How else would Trump get his next wife?
Pet a Polar Bear: Trump recently appointed climate change denier, Scott Pruitt, to lead the Environmental Protection Agency. Yeah, that's for real. That's like electing a man who hates all the people in the country, but pretends to only hate half the people in the country, to lead all of the people in the country...Fuck. Whatever. Get out there and pet a polar bear before it's too late.