The news that scientists have found a workaround and may still be able to capitalize on the promise of stem cell research without getting caught up in the stagnation of moral ambiguity has come as great news to millions of people all over the world. Everyone can celebrate in his or her own way, but for my part, I will be toasting with a nice big chocolate milkshake (maybe strawberry). The news is especially exciting for me, because it has allowed me to give myself the go ahead on living the life of true over-indulgent decadence I have always dreamed of. I've been a decadent person for quite some time, but now the gloves are off. This is because like many of the candidates currently running for office, I am extremely optimistic about the future of this country, and of stem cell research in particular, so much so that I am figuring whatever organ failures, diseases or syndromes I encounter as a result of my uninhibited excessiveness will be fixable by the time they become truly life threatening.
What does this mean in actual practice? First, the running shoes have found a new home in the garbage can and will not be showing their smelly faces around the house any time soon. My alcoholic beverage intake will no longer be constrained by that nagging "this will make you die" vibe that has kept me down for so long. I'm immediately switching from "Nicorette" to "Bubble Yum," canceling any plans to visit the doctor for an expensive "check up" that I currently have or will have in the next 20 years, and as far as safe sex goes... well, you get the idea.
Then there is the big one: junk food. Every night from this day forth will feature a new flavor of ice cream and quantity of consumption will not be an issue. The pain and suffering of trying to consume vegetables once a week will no longer obstruct me on my path to happiness and an industrial strength deep fryer is scheduled to be installed in my kitchen by the end of the week!
So thank you, you genius science people! This Bud's for you!