Men as Allies

I will never forget the day that two turbaned, bearded strangers approached me as I stood in the midst of a camp for internally displaced people on the outskirts of Kabul, Afghanistan. My mind instantly flooded with stereotypes of the Taliban -- whose misogynist interpretations of Islam resulted in the brutal oppression of Afghan women -- and I braced myself for the ways they could express their disapproval for the women that were gathering to enroll in Women for Women International's program. But, to my absolute surprise, the men had come to thank me for the opportunities that our organization had brought to the women, their families, and their community.

As evidenced by our name, Women for Women International is a women-led organization that serves to empower socially-excluded women in conflict-affected parts of the world. Thus, perhaps like so many other women-oriented organizations, we are constantly discussing the issue of reaching or not reaching out to men, involving or not involving men, and discussing or not discussing with men the work we do for women. During the last 14 years of working in conflict and post-conflict areas, I have come to realize that just as the images of women in war that are shown in the mainstream media overwhelmingly show downtrodden victims, the images of men in war are equally confined to that of the violent aggressors, rapists and warmongers. Neither stereotype is fair.

While women do bare the brunt of the aggression during war -- from mass rape to deportation to other acts of violence -- what is not discussed is women's incredible strength and resilience to continue despite all odds. In many ways, women are the glue that holds society together during war. Women are the ones who keep life going by sending their kids to school and keeping the meals on the table in the midst of soul-shattering violence and inhumanity.

But, what happens to men is complex as well. While it is true that men lead violent actions in war, including the majority of the killing, raping and pillaging that occurs, not all men are part of that reality. In truth, many men are drawn into the stereotypes of the male aggressor regardless of their own beliefs, values and actions. For example, when rape and other forms of gender-based violence are used as weapons during war, afterwards many men are left struggling with the very essence of their manhood and masculinity after they witness the rape of their wife and daughters.

As we work on building peace and stability in different war torn regions, it is important that we understand the complexities of gender and recognize the struggles not only faced by women but by men as well. This complexity and struggle can be seen all over the world. An Afghan woman once told me how her father-in-law, an older man with weak hearing who worked as a hospital guard during the Taliban control of Afghanistan was slapped by a member of the Taliban when he didn't open the door immediately to the knocks he couldn't hear. When her father-in-law returned home, he complained of being sick and remained in bed for three days. On the fourth day, he left his bed, knelt in front of the women in his family, and apologized for the times he had slapped them in the past, saying that, until his encounter with the Taliban, he had never thought of the humiliation it caused. From then on in that household, women were safe from physical abuse.

In the Democratic Republic of Congo, where rape and other forms of sexual violence have shredded the country's social fabric I had the opportunity to speak with Congolese men who had abandoned their wives after witnessing their rapes. As the men spoke, I was struck by their inner turmoil. Many of the men's stories focused on their own feelings of failure and inadequacy for having been unable to protect their wives from being raped and not knowing how to deal with themselves or their wives after the atrocities they faced.

What these stories teach us is not about heroic acts during war, but about the struggle that men go through in the midst of war and in living in peace. As I listen to the women we serve at Women for Women International and how they want us to reach out to their husbands, their fathers and brothers, I realized how little we know about the complex social pressures and circumstances that men face, and how their attitudes and behaviors affect our ability to empower the women in their societies.

To help women become active citizens, we must engage the men in their lives. This is the exact reason why Women for Women International launched the Men's Leadership Program, where we reach out to male leaders in Congolese, Nigerian and Iraqi communities to use their influence within their communities to change the thinking and behaviors of other men.

In 2006, we conducted a study of men who have graduated from the Men's Leadership Program (MLP) in DR Congo. Before the men went through our program, 56.2 percent of the respondents strongly agreed/agreed with the statement "There is little that women have to contribute to community reconstruction and development"; and 86.3 percent of respondents agreed with the statement that "Men are the heads of households and the wives must obey and submit to them." Just as disturbingly, the men knew almost nothing about the impact of rape and how it affects communities and causes the spread of HIV and AIDS.

I was in DR Congo shortly after the first group of men completed the MLP. I met an army officer who had graduated from the program and was moved by his speech of transformation. "I never thought twice when I entered a man's house and if he didn't have a gun in his hand I raped his wife... I had a gun, he didn't, I never thought whether or not I have a right to rape his wife... I always raped her." Not until he went through the training program did realize that he was destroying himself, his family, his victims, and their families. Today he teaches his soldiers not to rape women and about the devastating affect of rape on the entire community.

For many of the men who went through the program the moment of truth or the "aha" moment for them was when they acknowledged women's economic power, both through the value of the work they do in the home and in their potential to earn an income outside of the home. Men's attitudes transformed when they realized that their wives' economic empowerment can benefit them and the family as a whole. During that same trip, I met one man who never spoke with his wife about money before participating in the MLP. One day, after attending his class he returned home and told his wife how much money he earned and asked her how much she earned. Once he understood the real value of her economic participation, he engaged her more in household decision-making. By improving basic communication, the couple realized that they could afford to build a better house and improve their daily lives.

It may be unfortunate that the way to engage men in supporting women's equality is to address their own economic needs, but this is the reality for many people as they struggle to rebuild their lives after war. Equality starts in the economy and it must be understood that women should not be counted for women's sake, but for the sake of the family, community and nation.

Comments

[Balzac]

This is some fresh thinking from outside the box. I'm impressed.

[blueraven]

Why does it figure that when you post an article speaking so eloquently about the need to reach out to both genders to elevate the human race, people have to come out and trot out misandrist comments? Is it really so bad to think that men are just as intelligent and caring as women? If it is, then I am truly a sad case of a woman, as I expect the men in my life to act with dignity and respect toward all people. And they do, which must surprise a few commenters here based on how they are talking.

[thesimulacra]

I should specify that I said women "can" be greedy and self centered and violently aggressive, and by that I mean that a culture which teaches success through power aggregation will make anyone, regardless of gender, susceptible to the worst parts of human nature.

[thesimulacra]

This is a fantastic article and I think your organization's outreach program is one of the best ideas I have ever heard. It always baffles me that so much of the Feminism/Women's Rights movement is focused on making women more powerful, while the solution should be instead the de-emphasis on power for male culture. Women can be greedy and self-centered and yes, even violently aggressive. We should look at the gender problem as having two fronts of equal importance, not one side over another, and that sounds like the kind of approach your organization is taking. Thank you so much!

[avergejoe]

I hope you have not prepaid your NOW membership.
You might not be welcome anymore.

[protagonia]

The reason that "Hippies" were so successful was because they were friendly for the most part. Women and men were together in a cause. We didn't resent each other. We made love - ALOT. We took better care of each other. For all the problems that can be listed about that time, there were no better people since, to my eye.

The ones who judge the movement harshly are not equipped to do so, no matter what they say or type.

Today's liberal movement is in a shambles compared to the 60's because of the separation caused by the 70's, 80's and 90's. All decades devoted to greed and sexism. It worked well and devotees to the Rand-ian mindset have their own little logic to accompany their continued destruction of America.

Bad people are made, not born.

A united people, beyond gender, color, social status are powerful. Why else would there be so concerted an effort to undo that, ever since it worked so well 40 years ago? Divided = Weak.
United = Strong.

[avergejoe]

Good post, pro.

[Qbear]

Hippies were just as likely to ignore women's ideas, hence the feminist movement. Many feminists came from Jewish groups,Gay groups, Civil Rights groups, Anti War groups....because their voices weren't listened to in the previous organizations, they were told to make the coffee.

[oafishcad]

Women bare the brunt of aggression in war? Gee it seems to me dying and being maimed as a soldier is bearing some of the brunt. Yes, women are subjugated and abused in many societies, probably all societies. The assumption that men are not is just sexist bigotry.

[thesimulacra]

Soldiers sign up for the chance that they will be killed or injured. Women do not sign up for the chance to be gang-raped or murdered.

You should stop trying so hard to expose someone else as a hypocrite and instead try listening to what they say first. Your accusation of "sexist bigotry" belies your impatient inability to understand the point of the entire article.

[protagonia]

We often defend our upbringing as "Truth", even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Pride is a cancer in our soul. It attaches, grows and dominates, eventually destroying the host body.

We suffer for it greatly. A poison. Pride should be used like salt. A little bit upon a meal over which we have toiled and shared.

Too much stops the heart altogether.

[Kansas Evans]

Wow! Really great article!

In the back of my mind, I always wonder about the men who weren't engaged in violence, and how to affect change among the men who may only be engaged in domestic violence.

You represent men as being able not only to gain a new perspective on women, but also for being able to sympathize with women. I was actually beginning to wonder if that was even possible.

So, great article, thanks.

[mommadona]

Men are ego-centric.
Unless it effects them at that singular, individual level, they just don't "get it".

Everything evolves from the ME.
Women evolve from the WE.

I'm glad a few male individuals in such dire environments have finally "gotten it", but that's a very small constiuency.

[thesimulacra]

And women are irrational and want to spend all of their time shoe-shopping. See? I can play the stereotype game too!

Attitudes like this are useless and all they do is discourage men from even bothering to try and change themselves or to consider anything Feminism has to say. Here's the thing: if you insult the people you're trying to change, they're probably not going to want to listen to you.

[slim]

Yeah, truth is a great thing. And the truth is, when it comes to men, it's all about "me"

[babylonandon]

Gosh, with so much realizations going on is it too much to hope that folks here might realize that Christians aren't evil?

[DickTater]

Christians have far more role to play in proving they aren't evil. It is not a perception problem...it is an Actions problem.

Christianity...if it is about ANYTHING...is about living a Godly/Christlike life. Rolling in money, constantly hounding around for money, a life built on money - is all antithetical to christianity. Yet Sunday after Sunday, money-based people crowd into a church and hypocritically swear-off living like that. Then they all go out and live like that. And M-Sat, many of them spend their time denouncing and actively working against the whole rest of the world (non-christians). A hypocrite has no business selling that stuff on Sundays or any other day. Perfect yerself.

[politicky]

Okay Ms. Salbi,

Let's go one step further and have open discussions with men about family PLANNING.

The survival of the human race depends upon it.

[Qbear]

It might be useful for lesbians in Afghanistan's women's organizations to enlist help of the gay men there, since men can move more freely withing their country, and beyond.
Neither lesbians or gay men will be open within their society, but there are international networks online which might facilitate these groups reaching out to one another. Gay men will be as endangered in Taliban hands as any woman, so they would seem natural allies. Also mothers will know which of their sons are very likely gay, even if no one else does.

[FlowerGirl]

Truth is a great thing. But the truth is more often hidden by half truths than by outright lies.
For example, we are conditioned to knee jerk reactions because we fail to see the whole picture. How many readers know that the three Muslim nations with the largest populations (Indonesis, Pakistan, and BanglaDesh) have all been led by women? How many European nations have been?
But that is only an example of how uninformed (and sometimes misinformed) we are. Truth is a mighty weapon when we have it.
I am not advocating here that we must vote for a woman president. I have no objection to getting one -- if she is the right kind of human being. But I will not vote for a woman merely because she is female. There is a leading candidate now that I cannot support. Much as I might like to see a woman president, she must not be one who supports Bushlike wars, must not be a supporter of continuing our corporate state, and must be one who will put the American people and our traditional values at the top of her agenda.
There are a few male candidates who better represent woman's real concerns.
It is unwomanly to focus on a single issue to the exclusion of the totality. Women are whole human beings with the concerns of all humanity. Barbara Jordan was a great politician because she never forgot that. She knew what was important and stood up for it. It is easier to advance by selling out to the existing powers, but those who do will not help women, because they will harm all humanity.