Hello My Darlings,
The holiday shopping season is upon us and, if you're unsure that your relationship will see the New Year, your best bet is to disengage before it's time to exchange gifts. Now, there's a special VIP section in hell for those who dump their lovers during the holiday season, so you can't dump him, per se; you must allow your victim to make the move.
Here, then, are ten fail-proof ways to dump a lover without the guilt or the expensive gift exchange. Note: You know your soon-to-be ex better than I do, so skip any step that may result in a crime of passion.
1. Passionless sex. Remember those Flirty Girl Fitness routines you aced just to blow his mind? Forget about it. Starting today, just lie there like a mummy. If you're a bold one, you can also whip out your phone and text your best friend: "In the sack with studmuffin, will call you in two minutes, tops! LOL."
2. Ogle a stranger, and no, don't be sly about it, take your time and make love to the stranger with your eyes. Start with that person's shoes and work your way up to the naughty bits. If you're soon-to-be-ex is in the vicinity, sigh wistfully as you do it.
3. Teach your puppy to frown at him.
4. Use his credit card to purchase a toy. The seedier the toy store, the better. The more descriptive the receipt, the better. And the more outrageous the toy, the better!
5. Bring your new toy to bed. Rev up the motor as he sleeps. Reenact that Meg Ryan moment and wake him up.
6. Talk about your dreams non-stop. However, if your lover mentions a lifelong passion, nip that creativity and hope in the bud with biting discouragement and condescension: "What's so unique about that idea? There's no future in that. I see your vision -- I just don't see you carrying it out..." and so on.
7. Photoshop Sad Keanu into his favorite pic of the two of you.
8. Attend a mutual friend's holiday party together, leave together, and then return an hour later to continue partying solo. Tell anyone within earshot, "I'm back. Just had to get rid of the old ball and chain, ya know." You should also Tweet this, with your Geotag enabled.
9. Take him to see that hit male-basher, For Colored Girls, and glare at him during the entire movie. Afterward, proclaim how realistic the negative male portrayals are, and how you hope there's a sequel in the works.
10. Update your Facebook relationship status to: "It's complicated," or, if you're a bold one, "single."
By step #10, you can expect the we-need-to-talk conversation (if you're dating a gentleman), or, he may send a text: "Goodbye crazy Arse!" In any event, you'll have some extra holiday cash to spend on yourself.
Warning: If you happen to like your current lover, and he's doing these things to you, then you are in danger of being dumped. Don't expect a gift exchange because the only shopping he's been doing is for your replacement.