Let Me Downgrade Ya'

I met Rajj, a beautiful, burnt-bronzed Nigerian, at an outdoor African art festival.

Rajj was a jewelry designer. He was so dark and flawless that nearly every woman on the street made a beeline to purchase something from him.

I stopped by his display as well, and I made it a point to ignore him as I knew that the lack of my attention would pique his interest. And I was right. (Author Robert Greene coined this seduction technique "shadowing" - that is, walk away from someone and he will chase after you, much like your shadow.)

I decided not to make a purchase and Rajj insisted that we exchange business cards. That's when I noticed that he was wearing a silver band on his wedding finger. Rajj glanced at his ring and quickly told me that it was a ruse; he wanted some kind of barrier to keep the women at bay while he sold his goods.

Fast forward a few months and Rajj and I have grown close. We were two single, good-looking adults who'd rather be talking to one another on the phone in the middle of the night, instead of clubbing.

I tell Rajj that he is smart and talented; Rajj tells me that my conversations are powerful and uplifting. We were platonic, but clearly, obviously, the attraction was there.

Finally, I hinted to Rajj that I'd like to take our friendship to another level.

I didn't make the first move blind, mind you, as I've been the recipient of several tender acts of kindness and gifts including the most exquisite, handcrafted silver ring that Rajj gave me for my birthday.

Rajj asked me about interracial dating; specifically, if I would be comfortable bringing him around my family. A little shocked, I told him that since we were both African descendants, I didn't foresee any problems.

Rajj told me that we could creep, but that his family wouldn't accept me.

In his culture, he says, if he dated or married someone other than a Nigerian, he'd have to date up the social chain, that is, he'd have to hook up with a White woman.

But an American sistah like me is a downgrade; strictly booty call material.

Rajj also mentioned for the first time that he was in a serious relationship with a Londoner. She dropped out of college and works in a pub. Marriage is on the horizon.

To recap: A successful African American woman who gives him "powerful and uplifting conversations" can't hold a candle to a white woman who works in a pub.

I was hurt, insulted and then just mad as hell.

I wondered if Rajj's cultural preference for anything other than Black was limited to his own family upbringing, or if it was more widespread.

In any event, I'll never know, as I have ceased all contact with Rajj.

Ironically, abruptly ending our friendship has set the shadowing seduction technique in full effect-and Rajj is chasing after this black woman and he can't help himself.

And that's just the way it should be.

 

Follow Zondra Hughes on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ZondraHughes

Comments

[FlairTV]

03:26 PM on 09/08/2008

Hello Zondra,

Its your favorite ladies at Flair TV! Sorry it took us so long to comment on this dating fiasco but we definitely wanted to stop by and leave a comment about it.

We were completely appalled by this story that we had to take a moment to marinate on it. Rajj is a trip! It seems like from your first encounter with him that he was full of games. I have never heard of a man to pretend that they are married to keep the women at bay. Most guys shy away from the notion. However, Rajj was still allotted the opportunity to be accepted into intimate parts of your life and he took that for granted. To lead you on all this time knowing that he had no intentions to take it to another level was wrong. Also, if his feelings were as deep as he portrayed them to be, it would not matter what his family felt about who he should be with.

Lastly, for him to reject an African-American sistah for a white women with no education or class says a lot about the Nigerian culture that we were completely unaware of. We are glad that Rajj is now the one panting.


Good Blog!
Sincerely
The Toffee Twins
Chundria & Nekia Nichelle

[Luvely]

05:51 AM on 08/27/2008

A great read! There are many "Rajjs" out here today wearing the masks of tradition fettering the minds and hearts of many men that would otherwise date a woman of any race. Traditions that have crippled, blinded, and continue to rob many of experiencing and appreciating creation's best- man and woman; not race. Stories like these continue to prove that those "Rajjs" of the world need to realize that true love takes risks. Martin Luther King said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." ALL tradition is not bad, but some need to be re-examined. As for a black woman's worth; it is clearly not defined by the "Rajjs" or "Rajjettes" of this world but by what one believes within their heart they are. I value people of different cultures b/c I can see the greatness of Him who made us all through them. TRUE LOVE is not color bound. When a wounded soul cries out for help; love extends a hand, not tradition or color. Color and Tradition does not define what is in one's heart. What if the "Rajjs" or "Rajjetts" of this world NEVER appreciate black women do we attack or pro-act? Yeah, I would've responded like Ms Hughes and some; but just as she moved on; so would I. Integrity in place. Esteem still high. Where one "Rajj" missed; another will find.

[TrinaB]

08:23 PM on 08/26/2008

This is one of the saddest posts I've ever read. When will black women - upon whose back this country and civilization were built - get the respect we deserve?

We simply can not let the ignorance of others define us. I agree with Zondra that we must love ourselves and teach our daughters, nieces and any young black woman within earshot of our voices to do the same. To hell with those - like Rajj and his family - who are too foolish to realize our infinite worth.

[EugeniaM]

07:43 PM on 08/26/2008

As always I am, and maybe shouldn't be, surprised that as black women we are still considered not up to par. That we are still on display and that the exploitation of Sarah Baartman is still prevalent. A black women is good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to take home. This is not something that just goes on with just Africans, but with our own brothers, those who believe they have 'arrived' once they have a caucasian woman at their side. When will we recieve the respect that is due us? When will we be considered the elite, the step up and not just the booty call? Brothers don't want us, caucasian guys are afraid to take us home, and in the minds of the Africans, we can not improve their status, the way a white woman can. I consider myself equal opportunity when it comes to dating, for I believe love doesn't have a color. But I wonder how many others truly feel that way, or feel that way about a woman of any other heritage, with the exception of black women. No, not everyone thinks this way, but there are enough to make it more the norm and not the exception. Maybe, when that eloquent, educated, sophisticated, successful, intelligent black woman, gets in the White House, the attitude towards the rest of us educated, sophisticated, intelleigent, successful, black women will become one of more respect and admiration and longing, than that of a 2AM rendezvous.

[SherryIndianapolis]

09:48 AM on 08/26/2008

Good for you and your strength!! (Make 'em work, girl!! LOL)

My mom was a victim of this mentatlity when she dated and married my father 44 years ago-she is dark-skinned, he is not-you know how that goes...

Now 44 years, 8 kids and 16 grandkids later-my dad's side of the family-the ones that were so much "better and lighter" all those years ago-want to know all of us and are having a hard time doing just that. Not because we are vengeful (my parents don't play that!), but because we are all grown and have moved on with our own families and lives.

When they could have really known us as children, they were too busy passing baseless judgements based on pigment-now it seems we (and life) has just passed them by....

Peace to you, Zondra.

[Puck342]

10:26 PM on 08/24/2008

I think that this story says volumes about the continued stink of racism that permeates Africa. It doesn't seem that surprising, giving the history of the continent, that locals would be inundated with a feeling that African-Americans were lesser or somehow "unworthy" as the elites of their societies for a long time (white Europeans), which many of the elites of their countries still model themselves after, surely would not have had kind words to say or forgiving emotions to showcase. So while it is utterly regrettable that this course of history is still causing us problems today (in bed and out), I would say that the fact that this Rajj fellow has seemed to have at least recognized his mistake is a good enough reason to give the guy another shot

[Zondra Hughes]

12:24 PM on 08/25/2008

I am so humbled by your perspective. Speechless...

[GeechieGirl]

01:14 PM on 08/23/2008

I really appreciate your refreshing perspective on this subject and although I agree that we should be our true selves at all times, there's nothing wrong with allowing the man to "chase" you a little. I WILL SAY that I do not believe in playing games at all, so when he is actively chasing, I will happily oblige. That was truly Rajj's loss Ms. Hughes. Know that you are a queen and will find what is right for YOU! Blessings!

[Zondra Hughes]

01:36 AM on 08/24/2008

Rajj has read this post. He says that he was repeating what his father has taught him.
A good woman, no matter her race, is what he desires, he says.
He says that he is ready to introduce me to his family, that the long distance relationship has crumbled.

I say that the most beautiful thing about e-mails, texts and voicemails is that I am not obligated to respond.
Thank you so very much for your kind words.

[cylindar]

11:04 PM on 08/22/2008

That is a bummer about his ways. However something caught my attention when you talked about the shadow technique. When a woman does that to me I do gt interested somewhat, but I do not pursue because I like women who can chat it up and be nice. After all that is one good trait to look for in someone you want to date. If someone avoids you it's not really sexy or appealing. It is curious and does raise interest but the method is not a cigar winner by any means. I think the technique works on guys with little or no real inner confidence. It is a dead givaway when a woman goes out of her way to avoid you and becomes just a sorry joke when carried to the extreme.

[Zondra Hughes]

01:28 AM on 08/24/2008

WOW. And yes, you are right on point. I recall shadowing a nice person for about a month and then he chased me.
And then he shadowed me. And then I chased him.
And then I shadowed him. And long story short, I received an Evite, and I thought it was a dinner invitation because he missed me, but it was an invite to his engagement party.

Where was your wisdom when I needed you? ;0(

[gman1232]

08:52 PM on 08/22/2008

Ms. Hughes:
Feel free to call or text me. I'm a Biracial (Black Man) in sunny san diego. 6 foot, Athletic, College Educated, and have blue eyes. No joke...get at me girl (no shadowing needed).-g

[Zondra Hughes]

01:24 AM on 08/24/2008

No shadowing required? You PROMISE? :0) Oh, you lie!

[KDDavis]

06:30 PM on 08/22/2008

In my view, it's not that Ms. Hughes is lamenting the fact that the London fiancee is white; it's the fact, too, that this guy, who is pursuing HER, is playing such games and blaming it on his culture. What does a sistah have to do to find someone to be in a relationship with these days? With his shenanigans, he also continues to perpetuate the idea that black women are not good for marriage, just sex. That idea only serves to further denigrate black women who are successful, focuses, beautiful, and good at "powerful and uplifting conversations" but just aren't white or bright enough. That was the only reason this man said what he said.

[Zondra Hughes]

01:22 AM on 08/24/2008

KDDavis,
You asked:
"What does a sistah have to do to find someone to be in a relationship with these days?"

My response:
Love thyself first. BATTERY OPERATED BOYFRIENDS. Name him, then train him, and be happy.

[formlessness]

03:59 PM on 08/22/2008

I understand the idea or concept held by many jewish, greek, indian, nigerian.... different ethnic and religious people's about marrying within their group exclusivley. But I couldn't be more opposed to those ideas. My sister married a latino american, my brother married a japanese woman and I'm very much in love with my spanish girlfriend. It seems to me that if you wish to find happiness you should stop leading with your lust and start listening to your heart. Judging from your writing it's clearly important to you, that you find a black man to settle down with, but have you ever considered that the secret to your happiness lies with a person of different ethnicity. Just because you marry outside your group doesn't take away your ability to pass your heritage and culture on to your children. Love is more important than family traditions or geographical similarities, when it all comes down to it we humans are a same specie and the differences that often seperate us are very small in comparrison to the things that make us all alike. You were right to end your relationship with that man, but only because he betrayed your trust and was not honest with you about his girlfriend in the UK. The fact that he was dating a white woman who dropped out of college and worked in a pub shouldn't make any difference. Would you have been any less hurt had he been dating a black woman from london?

[Zondra Hughes]

01:18 AM on 08/24/2008

You are so correct and it is refreshing, truly.
To answer your question, I'm not concerned about his choice to marry outside of his race. Everyone who knows me, knows that I have been in love with Nicolas Cage for decades now. (But I digress).
I am more appalled with a Nigerian perceiving an African American to be beneath him.
That was outrageous to me.