Here's the 2-week-old headline from the Trenton, New Jersey, Trentonian, just so you know what we're dealing with: "Weapon charge dismissed for man with no muscle control in arms."
Listen, I totally get it. Trying to buy your kid a toy without knowing if that toy is for girls or boys is a truly terrifying proposition. What if you accidentally buy your precious little girl a toy that makes her feel smart and brave and curious?
Something strange is happening at America's colleges and universities. A movement is arising, undirected and driven largely by students, to scrub dining halls clear of any foods and beverages which might cause physical discomfort or illness.
Familiarity breeds contempt, but is that really true? Familiarity can become a wonderfully reticulated universe where you have the opportunity of making in depth explorations of both the physical and mental topography of the human being that is most proximate to you.
Staring at the Gap Kids-clad child, I pondered what will be his shopping community. Will it be valley, or carny, or some new society? Perhaps it will be a hub of vending machines devoid of all human contact. A wave of chocolate-chip.
Oy vay! Does the Republican party have a problem? They've got a large and unwieldy field of aspiring presidential nominees, all of whom want to appear in upcoming debates. But space is limited. Who should be left out?
So, your guy friends want to go on a road trip -- and elect you to be the driver. Here are the types of guys that you can get stuck with on a road trip. And we've got the video to show it!
Because men have been trashboys throughout time.
The social media Guru who said "Twitter should be used in moderation" could also probably stop at eating one Cheeto, or even open their eyes while sneezing. It's a mindless addiction that screams "try and stop me!".
Woody's Allen's next film should be a sequel to Irrational Man, Irrational Men which shows the human side of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and his crew. Somewhere in Raqqa, the reputed ISIS stronghold Baghdadi will be wandering around a former prison which has been turned into a palace.
Ransom House announced a $20 million dollar advance for Donald Trump's newest book, Apologizing Is for Losers.
Truth: You never need to tell a woman that she has gained weight. She knows it. She avoids mirrors, hates photographs of herself, and loses the urge to shop for clothes.
With so many interviews, press conferences, tweets, Instagrams and Facebooks, it's hard to keep track of where presidential candidate Donald Trump stands on the issues. And even if you could keep track, a lot of what he says doesn't quite make sense.
The worst is when the doctor is elbow deep in uterus and they continue the conversation. My biggest fear is that the doctor will point out my imperfections while buck naked on the examination table, shooting a V in the stirrups.
Traditionally number #1 has been short hand for urination and number #2 for defecation. But whatever regulatory authority is responsible for these designations must reconsider their logic.
We live in a "participation trophy" world now, unfortunately. But the real issue isn't the praise children are given without accomplishment. Rather, the bigger problem is what society considers an "accomplishment."
So I guess it's time for me to send a few questions and suggestions Bezos' way. Maybe it will improve his reputation and force the New York Times to eat its words. I'll send them from my Gmail account proving my intentions to be friends with Bezos.