Trey Ellis, 02/22/12

Novelist, Screenwriter, and Associate Professor at Columbia University

What's Master doing with my crate? He looks so powerful and handsome hoisting it onto the roof, not even one raven lock out of place. Perhaps he's using my carrier as additional storage for our trip.

Evan Shapiro, 02/22/12

President, IFC

Consider what is now reality -- television is an important way to expand your talents, extend your career and rid yourself of cubas (named for the epitome of the post-Oscar slump, Cuba Gooding, Jr.). With that in mind, here are 11 Oscar Winners Who Need a TV Show, STAT.

Liz Kozak, 02/22/12

Writer, Mom

I wish I could call up every single person who told me, "Sleep while you can!" and inform them that their advice was terrible. I wish I had used all that nap time to go to the movies, because I miss it a whole lot.

Margaret Cho, 02/22/12

Comedian, actor, and recording artist

My former bullies pay extra to come backstage and meet me after shows, and I pretend not to know them in front of their friends. It is the most divine pleasure to exact the revenge of the brutalized child that resides within.

Paul Szep, 02/22/12

Two-time Pulitzer prize-winning cartoonist

Roger Smith, 02/22/12

Inventor, raconteur, star of the show that’s on after 'Family Guy'

Here is my interview with Terry Bates of Action 3 News about why I'm running for president.

John S. Wilson, 02/22/12

Key & Peele, a sketch comedy show on Comedy Central, is peddling offensive comedy. Apparently, when Key and Peele say their comedy is universal what they really mean is that blacks will be the butt of the jokes and others will be the ones universally yucking it up.

Rick Schwartz, 02/21/12

Movie producer; Biblical scholar wannabe

People I do business with every day, people who are allegedly my friends -- completely avoid me. I'm talking "see-me-and-make-a-hard-left-turn-into-the-cocktail-waitress" avoid. This fascinates me in a morbid kind of way, so I purposely begin to seek these people out.

Robert Rosenthal, 02/21/12

The 'Short Order Dad'

Doesn't the name "sweetbreads" suggest something wonderful and tasty? However, the second it's explained that you're dining on a large mammal's thymus gland, not so much. Here are 12 other foods that seem like they could be a one-way ticket to uncontrollable vomiting.

Jerry Zezima, 02/22/12

Humor columnist, The Stamford Advocate

If you were to make a list of my least favorite things to do, shoe shopping would rank right up there with spraining an ankle and making a list of my least favorite things to do.

Tamar Abrams, 02/21/12

Communications Strategist

Women of America, lay down your petitions and bumper stickers. Step into a pair of comfy sweatpants and declare your intention to deny any sexual activity until Draconian bills regulating your reproductive choices are dropped in favor of laws that create jobs and improve lives.

Todd Hartley, 02/21/12

Columnist, screenwriter, playwright, lyricist, novelist, blogger and stand-up comedian

A group calling itself Dogs Against Romney has recently ramped up its efforts to derail the Republican presidential candidate's campaign. Let's examine the charges against candidate Mitt, shall we?

Domenick Scudera, 02/21/12

Professor of Theater and Chair of the Theater and Dance department, Ursinus College

Despite all the hoopla about same-sex marriage, the truth is that we gays really do not care about all that. The real reason that we have been complaining about getting equal treatment under the law is that we wanted our very own ombudsman.

Washington Spectator, 02/21/12

Home of unflinching political reporting since 1974

Floyd Elliot, 02/19/12

Writer; Humorist; Dad; Chicagoan; Parenthetical Expression Abuser (Recovering) (Kind of)

The ancient Greeks, as they chiseled pictures of cute cats and dogs into stone, could only dream that a medium like Facebook would one day exist, allowing individuals who wished to make others involuntarily say, "Aww..." to do so on a global scale.

Jackie K. Cooper, 02/20/12

Film Critic

This Means War is a movie that exceeds expectations. You might think it will just be a run of the mill rom-com but it is more than that, primarily because of the charm of the cast.

John Blumenthal, 02/17/12

Novelist, 'Three and a Half Virgins"; screenwriter, 'Blue Streak'; curmudgeon

You're Jewish now, Mitt. Mazel Tov! Welcome to the tribe. L'Chaim! Your new name is Morris Berkowitz and you're from Queens. Your mother-in-law lives in Florida. She doesn't like you because you're not a doctor. (She voted for Ron Paul because he is a doctor.)