I try to be deeply thankful to not be disfigured, lost, or forlorn. To be sitting on a hill in California eating organic chocolate and laughing with friends. But mostly I just feel guilty for being such a spoiled neurotic shithead that a day of contemplation is a kind of torture.
They say the sky is bright and clear, They say it's nice -- just beautiful, I wouldn't know if that is true, Since I'm stuck inside my cubicle. I bet the birds are belting out, Tunes so bright and musical, But noise and joy are not allowed, Here in my dang cubicle.
I've just been invited to an exclusive club. It's not the Soho House. It's not the Illuminati. It's not even Costco. For $250, I can get a membership into the hottest club in Los Angeles - my primary care physician's patient roster.
At my local library, in the parking lot, by two of the spots near the door, there are signs that read, "Hybrid Low-Emission Parking Only." Excuse me while I go puke, would you?
Instead of rolling into the beauty parlor for a blue rinse and a wash and set, will there be a dread specialist at our salon? Will we still be getting blow outs when our hair is white?
When asked why he decided to make such a bold, permanent statement on his body, Pence replied, "I want all Hoosiers to know that the governor they elected always makes solid and rational decisions on behalf of the great citizens of this state."
When I was a kid my father took special glee in mocking me for watching professional wrestling -- "It's fake! It's not real! How dumb can you be?"
To further this exploration of human emotion, I am going to follow up with Hashtag Angry Elephants, the story of a girl and her discussion of anger. It will have nothing to do with Twitter and even less to do with angry elephants.
Deep space. The Nostromo. Ripley encounters the Alien in her private quarters:
So little credence is given to terminally inane events, those phenomena that evince a tawdry indifference to meaningfulness, the ones that cause you to yawn right in the face of a speaker.
Since the Internet provides very few ways to trick you into thinking that your shoelace is untied, I thought it far more convenient to trick you into thinking the following ten headlines somehow represented reality.
Breaking News: Congress' revolutionary decision to return to Washington after its seven-and-a-half month vacation. My guest tonight is Speaker of the House Congressman John Boner. He sits on my right.
Yahoo recently issued a warning for all us users to change our passwords due to compromised email accounts by Hackers. There's just one problem. I forgot my password three months ago and the answer to my security question as well.
While my husband and I have a million things in common, how we deal with customer service is not one of them. Like most people, I don't enjoy interacting with them (thanks, Comcast), but he does!
Floridians, I've had just about enough of the "sucks to be you" jokes and memes plastered all over Facebook. I get that it's warm where you are and that there are luscious beaches in all directions.