funniest tweets
"For my next trick, I will spend 4 hours cooking a meal that the recipe says should only take me 30 minutes."
"My kid is shopping for a winter coat that will match his shorts and flip flops."
"Thinking about how many times my dating life has been used as a storytime to my friends’ significant others."
"I love when my husband says, 'correct me if I’m wrong,' like I would pass up that opportunity."
WHAT'S HAPPENING
"A child brings so much joy to a parent’s life: their laughter, their smile, their Halloween candy."
"My favorite part about dating apps is being rejected by men who I would run away from if I ever saw them on the street."
"Overnight Oats sounds like the name of a racehorse who sucks"
"The teachers and other parents on this field trip are looking at me like they’ve never seen a chaperone order a beer at lunch before."
"A group of hippopotamuses is called a bloat. I think I’ve found my people."
"I believe in salary transparency in the workplace and also at the top of your wedding registry."