Funny Tweets

"When I leave for more than four hours my cat gets so upset she throws up so sometimes I look at my boyfriend and I'm like do you even love me"
"when i say i got that dog in me i mean im insecure confused and really scared right now"
"The most unrealistic thing I've ever seen in a movie is when an entire family sits down to eat breakfast together on a weekday."
"Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice"
"So excited for my kids to return to school so I can spend my free time reading the 50 emails their school sends each day"
"it's really unfair that my dog and me can't sit down and share a cup of joe"
"At the beach and my husband has made friends with the family next to us so now I have to file for divorce."
"'I'll see you later today' I whisper, as I pack a sandwich in my kid's lunchbox."
"my pug has 4 beds and takes medicine for his seasonal allergies just like his wolf ancestors"