Funny Tweets
"Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game."
“No matter how much my wife likes her Christmas gifts from me she will like the gift our dog ‘bought her’ more.”
"Since they're scanning me anyway, sometimes I wish airport security would just tell me how my bone density is doing."
“i dont have a golden retriever husband, i have a yorkie husband. he is small and barks and lashes out at everyone and everything because he is terrified all the time.”
WHAT'S HAPPENING
“People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says ‘must be picked up, won’t walk’.”
"My cats are pretty cute and cuddly but if we were all the same size they'd eat me for dinner"
"You want me to cite my sources? Feminine intuition."
The Kansas City Chiefs tight end hilariously posted about squirrels, Chipotle and the moon — with rampant misspellings.
"Didn’t realise you could ruin a cat’s entire day by giving him the wrong brand of cat food."
"When my cat and I take a nap at the same time very close to each other that’s just parallel play 😌"