The Colbert Report satirically mined the notion of "too big to fail" last night with a spot-on infomercial from fictitious corporate sponsor, The Prescott Group. Prescott is Colbert Nation's version of the Sheinhardt Wig Company, makers of all the sketchy pharmaceuticals that Colbert hawks that give side effects like lung shingles and molar mange and what not. One can say that the Colbert Report was a pop-culture industry leader in getting America to fear the intentions of massive corporate conglomerates, paving the way for Fringe's "Massive Dynamic" and Better Off Ted's "Veridian Dynamic." NEVER HAS CORPORATE DYNAMISM BEEN MORE SYMBOLICALLY TERRIFYING!
Anyway, dovetailing off the recent auto industry bailouts, Prescott needs $83 billion dollars, and here's why:
VOICEOVER: You see, while we at the Prescott Group made a load of cash recently, we invested all of our capital in derivative bundles, which we carved up into smaller packets and exchanged for carbon offsets. After paying off our vendors, we traded the rest for re-up aggregate default-swap futures, and then, in cooperation with our global partners, recapitalized. Somehow it all went wrong.
That doesn't sound too far from the truth, actually. The fake ad adds, "Did you know that we are responsible for maintaining water treatment plants across the country? That means we are the only thing preventing your beautiful daughter from drinking poo."
Anyway, the big takeaway is "too big to fail" doesn't preclude being "too proud to beg." And also, maybe we really should check to see who'd really in charge of keeping poo out of the water. Seriously, Lord help you if it's Wells Fargo!
WATCH: