07/19/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Gorilla Waves Knife Around In Canadian Zoo-Terror Incident

Holy moley! Why hasn't this story gotten top placement on the Drudge Report, with a kabillion flashing sirens and a animated .gif of Charton Heston spasming in existential frustration at his simian tormentors?* According to the Calgary Herald, the rise of the gorillas is underway!

Onlookers at the Calgary Zoo were shocked Tuesday when a western lowland gorilla picked up a knife and pointed it at a troop mate, then placed it on a chair for the keepers to remove.

None of the gorillas was hurt in the incident, but it startled the 20 or so visitors--including children--who watched the scene unfold around 10:40 a. m. at the outdoor exhibit.

Gorillas, no longer in the mist, straight up waving knives around? This is how it begins, people. In Canada. And children had to witness this terrifying turning point in the epic battle between mankind and nature? Horrors! Just look at this image and ask yourself if that wouldn't haunt your innocent dreams forever!

Just how did this gorilla get this knife?

Laurie Herron, spokeswoman for the Calgary Zoo, said the knife was accidentally left by one of the gorilla keepers who was cleaning out the exhibit earlier Tuesday morning.

"He dropped it," Herron explained. "One of the other keepers or a volunteer came and told him that the gorillas had a knife and he was like, 'Oh, crap.' "

This is how the world ends: not with a bang, but with a zookeeper, murmurring, "Oh, crap."

[Hat tip to Chris Lehmann, who tweets: "S**t, where's Stanley Kubrick when you need him?"

*Don't worry. I did check the Drudge Report, because you never know.

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