07/01/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Fastfood Meals For Failures

If you're anything like me, absolutely everything that you see, smell and feel is a chilling reminder that this Earth is a cold, unfeeling timebomb that will go off at any moment. A breeze is a tribute to the chaos and unfairness of a world that has forgotten you, birds chirp a tune in the key of If God Ever Existed He Is Dead Now, and the bright sun is a glowing beacon of We're-All-Going-to-Die-Alone-in-the-End. No one will mourn you, because no one will be left.

Understanding that, I present to you 5 Meals for Hungry Failures, because we are all both of those things. These are very specific meals for a very specific kind of miserable. You'll notice that they're all hybrid meals, because they're for people who aren't satisfied by standard food law. These are terrible meals invented by awful people who hate you, and they're perfect for anytime it dawns on you that the entirety of human existence is just an insignificant sneeze on the spectrum of time. And I have had every one of them.