WOMEN
03/18/2011 09:46 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Wit, Wisdom, and Woody Allen

A few weeks ago we gave you a laugh from Woody Allen - and you've asked for more. So here are some of my favorite Woodyisms! -MT

"A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken.' The doctor says, 'Why don't you turn him in?' The guy says, 'We would. But we need the eggs.'"

"I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold it to me."

"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows."

"My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker."

"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."

"When I was a kid, we played softball. I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back."

"Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen."

"Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime."

"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."

"I'm astounded by people who want to know the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."

"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."

"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies."

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