"H" is a married mother of two in her late 30s living in New York City.
Monday: I have only slept one hour, on account of the annual stomach bug that came to visit my younger child. In a sea of vomit, you can't really think about sex, however horny you might have been just minutes before. I scrub clean the bathroom, do loads of laundry and pray to God that my kid won't pass the bug on to the rest of us.
As I walk my older child to school, I look at the people we pass and can't help but sneak a thought: Who had sex last night? Did the slightly overweight middle-aged mom? How about the dad who doesn’t seem to change his clothes? I am very interested in other people's sex life. Unfortunately, I don't have much time to be interested now. My younger child is throwing up again.
Tuesday: I wake up at 5:45 am, turned on. I must have had a dream, but I really don’t remember what it was about. My husband is sound asleep. I grab my pillow, turn on my tummy and push it in between my legs.
I fantasize about this mom I know. I don't like her one bit, but I am very curious about what she looks like naked. The thought of her body makes me come fast. Having an orgasm first thing in the morning is awesome -- am I the only mom who wakes up that way?
I get a cup of coffee and jump on the subway. It is a busy day, so no more sex thoughts -- at least non stirring enough for me to remember and write down.
Wednesday: I get up. It is still dark outside. I make some coffee and look out the window. Taxis are passing by. I think about the man I love, who is not the man I wake up next to every morning, is a married dad I met at my children's school a few years ago. What began as a playground friendship slowly developed into more, often to my chagrin. There is something about him, still to be determined, that I simply cannot resist.
Is he in one of those cabs? I wonder. For a few minutes I allow myself to daydream about him. I think about the good times we've had together. Then I start fantasizing, and the fantasies are elaborate, to the point that I make myself laugh. I toy with all kinds of ideas before I tell myself to stop thinking about him. Today it works. In my mind, I shrink his image, fold it neatly and place it in a special drawer, until next time.
My husband wakes up, and as I get the kids ready for school, he tells me that he wants to have sex tonight. I agree. Later that day, we meet in bed. Sex is always pleasurable with him, although I can predict every last second of it. For a moment, we totally connect, leaving aside our differences. A voice in my head goes off: "He is a good person, you should love him more." I wish I could love him the way I love that other man. I can't though, and I don't fight it. As I get in the shower I acknowledge how lucky I am in so many ways. I wash my husband off my body. With a clean body I slide back into bed and fall asleep.
Thursday: After school I walk my kids to religion school. On the way we pass a local high school, and I see a teenage couple kissing. The boy, about 17, is pressing against the girl, who looks slightly younger. He is wearing pants made out of a thin fabric, and from where I am standing I can see how hard he is. The girl is equally eager, pushing against him and rocking gently; no one else can see her movement, but I can and am extremely turned on.
At the door of the religion school one of the other moms greets me. It is 4:15 pm, yet she is still in her workout clothes. She tells me she worked out for 3 hours earlier this morning and could not find the time to change. The fabric of her clothes clings to her private parts. I get closer to her. She smells of sweat. Does her husband find her sexy? Because it is a religious house, I feel ashamed of my thoughts. I say goodbye to her and leave.
Friday: I am meeting a friend for lunch. She tells me she has made up her mind to leave her husband. I think about how nearly all the marriages I know stop working after 10 years. Marriage is a contract, and other legal contracts have a term; why not have a term for marriage? Why shouldn't couples be able to review after 10 years and decide whether they want to stay in or leave? I share the thought with my friend, who agrees but tells me that society is not ready for that. Will it ever be?
I get back home feeling depressed. It is 1:45 pm but I need a drink. I pour myself some whiskey and get on my 2 o'clock call.
At night, in bed, all alone (my husband is out with clients), I try to bring up the image of the teenage couple. The house is quiet, the kids are asleep, and traffic out on the street is pretty light. Nothing happens. I try again, visualizing their movements. I am still dry. I call it a night and go to sleep.
Saturday: I run around with the kids all day. I like it and so do they.
At night, my husband and I go out with another couple. I want to have sex with them. I once suggested it to my husband, who nearly choked on his fish. Needless to say I never brought it up again. They bore me so in my head I start undressing the husband. He is okay looking. I like how he is a little chubby and has lots of hair on his head but not too much on his body. He looks at me, and I am sure he knows what I am doing. I smile. He smiles back. Although the thought is entertaining, I will not follow through with this. Too close to home.
My husband and I leave the restaurant. In the car, I ask him to make me come. He does, then we drive back home in complete silence.
Sunday: I wake up to a very gray day. Rain keeps coming down hard. I am still wearing my underwear from yesterday, and I am slightly dizzy from having too much to drink last night. I smell like seafood, wine and sex. That combination is rancid. I take a shower but cannot get rid of that smell. I feel like everyone can smell me from a mile away. That is a problem because I am headed to church. I feel dirty. I immediately shut down the sex part of my brain. No sex thoughts today.
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