02/14/2012 02:19 pm ET

11 Ways Lindsay Screwed Up Christmas

Okay, Lindsay, okay, so I said, "What" on Christmas. People say "what" all the time. It's one of the more common words that PEOPLE SAY. Maybe if you were a PERSON you would KNOW that.

Anyway, here are some of the things Lindsay screwed up on Christmas:

  1. She burned the duck.
  2. She bought a duck and thought that it was a turkey.
  3. She burned the salad. Seriously, who does that? Burned. The. Salad.
  4. She nearly burned down the house. No, Lindsay, 'en papillote' does not mean wrap it in notebook paper and put it on the stove.
  5. She got me a "Seven Samurai" poster when clearly she knows my favorite Kurosawa movie is "Rashomon."
  6. When she opened her present, she looked at me, laughed, and then didn't say anything else.
  7. She ripped open her present like a starving giraffe hoovering the top of a tree. Just because you aren't into drunk Santa wrapping paper doesn't mean the rest of us aren't trying to recycle and save the rain forest.
  8. She used up all the hot water during her 2-hour-long bath.
  9. She played Celine Dion while she was in the bath and sang along.
  10. That night, as we lay in bed together, I put my arm around her. She pushed it off, still asleep.
  11. She actually burned a salad. She burned it. The salad.

A NOTE FROM HUFFPOST VALENTINE'S DAY EDITORS LINDSAY AND TODD, WHO BROKE UP THIS MORNING: We're not letting today's personal issues affect the quality content we bring you every Valentine's Day! Still, if you want to know exactly how Todd Lindsay messed up, we are keeping a liveblog.