03/27/2012 02:52 pm ET Updated Mar 27, 2012

8 Things You Should Never Say To A Woman

We're not picky, and we're not hard to get along with, no matter what your men's magazine research told you. Professors at the Institute Of Turn Off The Blow Dryer While Sports Center Is On are known for their bias, and I contest that we as a gender are pretty chill, overall. There are just a few things that should never, under any circumstances, be said to us - no matter how much you may want to. Trust me.

1. "Calm down about [insert flawless male celebrity here]."

Look. I know that, for many men, opening up a tab and hopping over to RedTube for a few minutes of extreme close-up thrusting is all one requires to fulfill the "imaginary love life I have with strangers" quota for the day. Unfortunately for many women, just the act itself is not going to make our day end on a high note. If I could just look at a picture of a penis and be like, "Okay, that's it, I'm good for the day," do you think I wouldn�t do just that?!?! Of course I would! Do you think watching hours of interviews with Benedict Cumberbatch, Ryan Gosling, Robert Sheehan, or Anderson Cooper and creating entire imaginary relationships based on what we think this person is like in real life is our first choice? No. But if we love a male celebrity, and I mean really love him to the point just under "5-year restraining order," just looking at an out-of-context picture of the man's crotch outline is not going to cut it. We need to learn all about him, and find every last picture, video clip, and GIF that Tumblr has to offer to satisfy that need. Why? Because if God didn't intend for us to do this, he would not have made David Tennant look like a golden unicorn.

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