05/31/2012 01:18 pm ET Updated May 31, 2012

Things That Are Better Than Having Dinner With Donald Trump And Mitt Romney, According To Twitter

As you no doubt know, GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney has inexplicably decided that a continuing association with birther looney-tune Donald Trump is something that his campaign needs in order to be successful. And to that end, the Romney campaign is doing a donor raffle, where a $3 donation earns some lucky people the chance to have dinner with Donald and Mitt, possibly at some terrible New York pizzeria chain.

Well, if the jokes weren't already writing themselves, Trump himself managed to open up a deep vein of comedy yesterday when he put this question out on Twitter:

As you might imagine, Twitter had answers to that question. Many, many answers.

By far, in fact, the most popular answer involved an encounter with the Florida man who was recently shot and killed by police because he was eating another man's face off, possibly because he was psychotic, or on drugs, or was the "patient zero" of a forthcoming rage-zombie apocalypse. Now, if you are fortunate enough to have persisted this long without intimate knowledge of the face-eating man from Florida, please do not go Googling for the news, because you are likely to encounter horrifying images that you will never, ever be able to unsee. Just know that the existence of crazy face-eating cannibals is now a thing that is happening in our lives, and plan accordingly.

Also, it gives you a good sense of the "level of the room" where Twitter's responses are concerned. For a fuller picture, I have created a Terrible Index Of Things That People Would Rather Do Than Dine With Donald Trump And Mitt Romney. It is by no means complete -- many responses were omitted because they were beyond the standards of good taste. (Note well: It is a fact that my standard for "good taste" is inferior to the common standard.)

At any rate, we now know the answers to Donald Trump's question. Good luck to everyone who answered this question on Twitter, because you will now inevitably be called "losers" who "bombed at Mar-A-Lago" by the Donald.


Things That Would Be Preferable To Dinner With Donald And Mitt, According To Twitter

Access to birth control

Acid bath

Alien invasion


Answering this question


Athletes' Foot

Athletes' Foot, on armpits


Baptism, posthumous

Bathtub of maggots

Beard ripped off by force


Being eaten, by lions, by man high on bath salts, by pack of wild dogs, by pack of wolves, by rattlesnakes

Black Eyed Peas, mandatory annual Super Bowl Halftime show

Bleeding, in shark infested waters

Blunt force trauma

Body cavity search

Breakdancing, in skinny jeans



Cervical cancer


Circumcision, sans anaesthetic

Cleaning, a cat box, rest stop toilets with hands

Clubbing baby seals


Colorectal cancer

Colonoscopy, by Edward Scissorhands, by live python, sans sedation, via chainsaw



Cracked rib

Crohn's disease




Drinking, colonoscopy prep fluid, contents of WetVac, five year old milk, hemlock, Playboy Mansion grotto water





Eating, bag of thumbtacks, cat litter, cold mac and cheese whilst in underwear, dog feces, eel sushi by force, Ex-Lax brownies, ghost pepper, hot Frosted Flakes, off floor of Waffle House, Olive Garden, own vomit, rat poison, real New York City pizza, shards of glass, toenails, unrefrigerated pink slime, warm mayonnaise pie, with Dominique Strauss-Kahn, with Hannibal Lecter, with Jerry Sandusky, with Josef Stalin, with just Mitt Romney, with Justin Bieber, with Kardashians, with Westboro Baptist Church


Elevator, trapped with gassy Karl Rove

Emergency tracheotomy

Enema, with bath salts, with hot lead, with Tabasco

Erectile dysfunction


Eyeballs, forked, icepicked, knitting needled, sporked, tattooed

Expressing one's dog's anal glands

Face, punched

Falling, into hole with glass shards

Food poisoning


Gargling, razorblades

Genital mutilation, by ants, by barbed wire, by battery acid, by hammer and burning log, by hot poker, by icepick, by pickle slicer, by pitchfork, by sandblaster, by shoe, by toothpicks, by zipper, in farming accident, on L Train

Getting shot

Gingrich, Newt, in tutu whilst singing "Working In A Coal Mine"



Hands, ironed, slammed in car door


Hepatitis C


Hitting yourself, in face with hammer

Huffing, paint at family reunion

Human centipede

Hunger strike

Ingesting, Comet, fatal amount of Sweet-N-Low, propane (anally)

Jar of farts

Jogging, post-vasectomy


Kidney stone

Koala Bear, dead and lashed to backside

Lego, stepped upon


Listed, on White House "kill list"

Listening, to Ke$ha performing "Subterranean Homesick Blues," to Nickelback performing the works of Creed, to Octomom lecturing on parenting, to Rebecca Black covering "Chocolate Rain"


Losing money in Facebook IPO


Nipple, third

Nuclear winter

Papercuts, thousands (followed by lemon juice bath), millions (followed by rubbing alcohol bath)

Pelvic exam

Planking, in traffic

Poison Ivy, anal


Probe, transvaginal


Pubic lice

Rectal exam

Root canal

Santorum, Google it


Self immolation

Self-pleasuring, with buzzsaw, with cheese grater, with Icy Hot, with sword

Showering, in molten lava

Sliding, on barbed wire, on dry sandpaper

Sound engineering, with Khloe Kardashian

Sparrow, nailed to forehead

Spiders, sprung from a popped boil

Spinal tap

Staring, at 2012 Chicago Cubs, at 24-hour webinar about personal branding and Klout, at "Battlefield Earth" sequel, at "Benson," at "Cabin Boy," at complete season of "The Apprentice," at Japanese eel porn, at "Leonard Part Six," at Mitt's tax returns, at Mitt/Trump sexual encounter, at a pornographic movie starring one's parents, at "Showgirls,
at "The Time Traveler's Wife," at a "Twilight Zone" marathon, at Thomas Kinkade paintings for eternity, at Trump's actual hairline


Sucking, on ET's fingers

Swimming, with alligators



Toilet training quituplets

Toupee, Trump's on one's entire back

Trapped, in closet with Victoria Jackson

Universal health care

Unwanted sexual encounter, with buffalo, with corpse, with crocodile, with Dom Deluise in jacuzzi filled with stew, with family, with fifty dollars worth of nickels, with garden tools, with grandmother, with grandmother (dead), with in-laws, with Ravi Shankar's sitar, with Roman Polanski, with Sasquatch, with wall outlet, with wild boars

Urinary tract infection

Vas deferens, destroyed in failed gymnastic feat

Violent encounter, with cheese grater, with Chris Christie over last cupcake, with Dick Cheney, with direwolf, with lawnmower, with piranhas, with rabid bat, with tweezers, with tweezers and back hair and intoxicated chimpanzees, with wakened bear, with Zdeno Chara slap shot



Working on a chain gang

Year without toilet paper

Yeast infection

Zombies, attack, face eaten by