Few cities have inspired as much comedy as New York, and it's no coincidence that it's where many of the best comedians in America have cut their teeth. From Woody Allen to Louis C.K., New York has consistently served as an urban backdrop to comedy that couldn't exist anywhere else.
Time Out New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City from some of the best New York comedians. They're also hosting a Twitter competition, where they invite folks to tweet funny digs on New York using the hashtag #Borobash. Today's borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it. (Brooklyn will have its day on Thursday, and Manhattan will be on Friday.)
Here are some of our favorite jokes that Time Out compiled, but not all of them -- for that, you can click over to their site to read the full list from the likes of Woody Allen, John Oliver, David Cross and more. After the jokes Time Out compiled, we've added some of our favorite jokes about the city.
Louis C.K.: “I’ve been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Like mid-ride, they decide, Let’s not stop. Why are we stoppin’? Let’s just go. And let’s not tell them either. Or let’s tell them as the doors are closing. [Closing doors sound] ‘Next stop 205th Street.’ The worst thing is you can’t really react, you know? I can’t go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! I don’t belong on this train! That’s not my area up there!' You can’t do that. When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, I’m home. Yeah. Good to be back on 6 trillionth street.”
Jim Gaffigan: “I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic; I’m nothing. ’Cause if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, He’s got a Latin temper. But if you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guy’s a jerk. Stay away from him. He’s a turd.”
Mike Lawrence: “I live in New York. I love this city; it’s a great city. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. There’s three New York stories, alright: There’s ‘I moved here,’ ‘I lived here all my life’ and Ghostbusters.”
Steven Wright: “I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.”
Joe Mande: “I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. And really all that means is that I'm constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they're about to go operate a steam engine.”
D.L. Hughley: “In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. In New York, that’s from building to building. Like I asked my friend, I said, 'Man, what’s a good building?' He said, ‘A good building, you got a door man. A bad building, you just got a man in a door.’”
Marc Maron: "It’s a thrill to be in New York. But I’m frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. I didn’t get much sleep. I’d flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. There was a guy on the elevator with me. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. It was like, You pulled it off. My lips are sealed, bro. Looking forward to the show.”
Emo Philips: “New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, ‘I’d like a card.’ He said, ‘You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.’ So I stabbed him.”
In addition to Time Out's favorite jokes, here are a few of our own faves.
Jimmy Pardo: "I've got to tell you, that's a gorgeous four-and-a-half hour drive in from the airport."
Pete Holmes: "There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it's impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that's true. 'Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- there's always something to blame it on."
Jonathan Katz: "Even if you like New York, you'll admit it's not a nice place. It does things to a person. My uncle -- 10 years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now, he's a wino living in Central Park. But out of respect people still say, 'May I approach the bench?' And that's sweet."
Patton Oswalt: "I live in Los Angeles. For a long time I was very ambivalent about living in LA. I realized it was because of all of my New York friends; they are the ones who put it in my head, 'You live in this shallow, plastic, sell-out town. You got to move to New York, that's where it really happens, man.' So last year I moved to New York; I lived in New York for a month. And now I know why all of my New York friends want me to move there. They want another warm body between them and the constant spray of sh*t and horror that you are subjected to."
Jerry Seinfeld: "When you're in Manhattan, you don't get scared no matter how fast the cab goes. 'He's driving fast and recklessly, but he's a professional. He's got a cab drivers' license, I can see it right there. I don't know what you need to get a cab drivers' license. I think all you need is a face. This seems to be their big qualification. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town."