01/03/2013 04:10 pm ET Updated Mar 05, 2013

5 Excuses That Prevent Us From Growing Up

How many of you have friends who logged more hours on Black Ops 2 last week than they did at their job? Or maybe they constantly complain that they're never going to find someone, but the last person they asked out was over a conversation about how they heard that the new Star Wars films were going to be all about Darth Vader and how it was going to be the best thing in the history of cinema? They just sit around in a funk, and it takes every ounce of willpower to stop yourself from grabbing them by the ankles and screaming at their crotch until balls appear.

It's those goddamn excuses. Every time you try to help, they have a retort that makes so much sense to them -- but to anyone who has lived through even five minutes of adulthood, it's just bullshit. And believe me, I know these quite well. I was a master at saying and believing things like ...