01/09/2013 05:09 pm ET Updated Jan 09, 2013

United Way Finally Admits That They Do Not Possess A Time Machine

The statement "went out the late evening hours of the 14th, probably between the hours of 10 p.m. and 11 p.m.," [United Way executive vice president Isabel] Almeida told [The Daily Caller].

Asked if the statement existed in any form prior to Dec. 14, she replied that it was "obviously impossible."

Yes, the Daily Caller -- eternally keeping watch over the threat posed by the Time Lords of Gaillifrey -- actually called up the United Way to ask them how they could have possibly offered the people of Newtown, Conn., condolences for the recent school shooting tragedy three days before the tragedy happened. Did they do this?

The whole notion that they did comes from a Google search, which does stick the date "Dec. 11, 2012" on the listing for the condolence statement.

Look, at this point you have a choice to make. This is either some sort of malformed Google search, or somehow the people of the United Way transported themselves interdimensionally through time and space to write a condolence letter three days in advance of the shootings.

Of course, anyone who's been around the block knows that malformed Google searches have been known to happen. Heck, sometimes they even cause United Airlines' stock price to fall 11 percent in one day (in just one widely known example of Google date-stamping a search result incorrectly). And, hey, look, the same Daily Caller report eventually reveals that they obtained an email sent by a Google engineer to a "public relations firm contracted by the United Way" in which the engineer flat out says, "This is a technical glitch on our end."

But, sure, time travel -- or, you know ... 'United Way was involved in a false flag operation' -- those are definitely some totally plausible possibilities that journalists should absolutely be exploring.

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