Even though the oral arguments for and against the Defense of Marriage Act have ended, Stephen Colbert is on pins and needles waiting for a decision. On last night's "Colbert Report," he tackled how the individual justices have responded to the case.
He addressed Justice Ginsburg's reference to traditional marriage with full benefits, as opposed to "skim milk marriage."
"I have always suspected that skim milk was gay. I mean, it's got homogenized right there on the carton. And Sean Penn won an Oscar for it!"
He also looked at the specific benefits denied gay couples, fixating on a law that allows straight couples to turn over their guano islands to their partner. (Guano islands are islands primarily composed of bat and seagull droppings.)
"It was in my vows!" Stephen said. "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, and leave her a turd-splattered rock in the middle of the sea? And I said, I do-do."
He also envisioned an awkward Thanksgiving between the conservative Chief Justice John Roberts and his lesbian cousin, who is attending the hearings.
"'John, may I have some mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes?'" Stephen imagined their conversation. "'Or are those two things too similar to share a plate and offend your traditional Thanksgiving values, even though they taste great together and are perfect for one another? If anyone needs me I'll be in the car."
Realistically, though, the conservative wing of the court and the liberal wing nearly always side together, leaving one swing vote: Anthony Kennedy.
"The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights," Stephen said. "I just hope he doesn't do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights."