Dear cable news hosts (and pundits, and reporters, and politicians):
Can we talk? We've been noticing over the last couple of days how several of you have been, shall we say, "trying your hand" at rapping. This has been prompted by Jay-Z's recent track "Open Letter," in which he mentions President Obama by name. Apparently, many of you thought that, since a politician was in a song, this was an invitation for you to get into the rap game. It was not. So we're issuing a public request: please, please, please stop with all the rhymes. Nobody comes out of it looking good.
Let's name names, shall we? Jake Tapper: your one-liner "Got cleared by Treasury/We can travel at your leisure, B" was clever enough, but what was with that random accent you slipped into as you did it? That took things from merely "chuckle at journalist rapping" to "no no no please don't."
Dana Perino: why, just why? Perhaps if you explained the thought process and actual conversations that led you to standing under a spotlight on some stage with a mic in hand, we might be able to at least understand the devastating group think that caused this horror. Let's move past that for a moment, though, and discuss what you actually said. "My name's Tiny D and I'm here to say, I bust funky-fresh rhymes in a major way."
Obviously the joke is that you're a straitlaced woman who's rapping in a sort of deliberately bad manner. But really, it's just unnecessary for all involved. We don't need the humor! We don't need the random stunts! Just be yourself, Dana. PLEASE just be yourself. Unless that self is someone who pretends to rap, in which case, change everything.
Of course, all of you can breathe easy, because you'll never top the most embarrassing collision of TV journalist and rap in human history. That honor goes to none other than David Gregory, who will always be remembered as the man who danced behind a rapping Karl Rove.
Concerned citizens at HuffPost Media
PS: And yes, we understand the irony of penning an open letter about your rapping about "Open Letter."
Watch Perino in the video above and Tapper in the clip below: