06/29/2013 10:56 am ET Updated Aug 29, 2013

I Have Literally Never Been Single, Not Even For A Week

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When I was in grade school, my older sister and I would talk about our future husbands, and how many children we'd have. I chose Mr.T as my life partner. I was sure we'd make a great couple, what with our shared affinity for warm milk and overalls and all.

I started dating in earnest at the precocious age of 12; my first day of 6th grade, I was "asked out" a popular boy who was cute but very quiet. We had never actually talked to one another, so after a week I broke it off by sending my best friend off to deliver the news. He and I haven't made eye contact since.

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