07/31/2013 03:38 pm ET

What Not to Do on An OkCupid Date: Stop Talking About Your Cats


Do Not Get Too Drunk On The First Date

You will want to because of how awkward you feel and probably because of how different they look in real life. Or, because of how different you know you look in real life. Regardless avoid the shots they’re probably going to offer to buy you because you may very well get too drunk and emotional over education reform, Catcher In The Rye or end up showing them photographs of your mother.

Do Not Lie About Your Interests

As cool as it is to make ironic literature references, talk about Kafka or even how much Bukowski changed your opinions of feminism, if you don’t know what you’re saying, seriously stop. Stick to the truth and tell them your favorite movie is Mean Girls and/or Anchorman, because the second you start getting questioned about Antonioni’s other films you’re not going to know what to say. You may end up having to make up fake Swedish playwrights in an attempt to make them feel inferior for not knowing the Swedish playwrights. Sometimes this works though.

Do Not Inquire About Their OkCupid History

Do not ask how long they’ve had the account, do not ask how many people they’ve met, and do not ask “how it’s working out.” You won’t want to know the truth, whether it’s a lot of lovers or none at all. This also ends in them asking you. Do you want them to know the truth? That it’s been since 2011 and everyone dumps you anyway? (Or, that everything works out, and this is a huge set up for the most tumultuous relationship ever?)

Do Not Ask “How Many Others Do You Do This With”

Again, you don’t want to know. Usually, people will brag and say they cancelled another date for this one or how they met someone the other day or how plans keep falling through with a French model. They’re either telling the truth, which sucks and makes you sulk, or are lying to make you jealous, which still sucks and makes you sulk but you don’t know how lame they are for lying. Just don’t ask. Also if you really do talk to a bunch of people from OkCupid, you don’t want them asking either. No one can know your secret way of getting people to like how quirky you are on the first date: by performing karaoke and ~being free spirited~ . You know everyone falls for it.

Don’t Bring Up Your Ex

I don’t know why this one ever needs to be explained but seriously stop talking about your exes. No one cares that you ran into them last week. Haven’t you ever read Cosmo? Or at least seen the front cover in line at the grocery store? Check next to the “1700 Sex Positions That Will Make Him Question Humanity” headline.

Don’t Talk About Astrology

I know we all want to, (at least I do) And it really is troublesome that they are a Taurus and you are a Libra… but they don’t need to know this. In a few dates they may reveal that they also believe in astrology and/or will be tolerant of your embarrassing enthusiasm for astrology, but for now, stay silent. Sometimes it makes you look really weird and people judge people who believe in astrology. It’s really mean, because we all know it’s accurate. It’s probably just because they’re a Scorpio.

Don’t NOT Tell Everyone Where You Are

Either get the 'Find My Friends' App or give your friends the exact date, time and address of where you will be. We all watch SVU. You know what can happen. Or you can just have your roommate sit across the bar and have a secret signal showing if it’s going well or if they should intervene and say their cat is dying and you need to go.

Stop Talking About Your Cat(s)

People think it’s endearing and quirky to have cats for some reason. Actually, it’s not. Sometimes people hate cats, unless they have their own cats, and in that case the relationship won’t work because you’ll both always be putting your cats first. Just bring them up on the second date or something.

Don't Ignore The Red Flags

Cats, exes, excessive OkCupid use, pretentious interests, lying about pretentious interests, they’re wearing a fedora, they legitimately like John Mayer, they ordered for you, they joke about how you’re going to rape and kill them, they joke about how they’re going to rape and kill you, they are an Earth sign, etc. Just lie and say your roommate is choking to death and you have to go home. Then run home.

And most importantly...

Don’t Write Articles On The Internet About Real Life OkCupid Experiences You’ve Had




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